Flight Towards Freedom

This is... really good. It shows what we all try to be, perfect, and the same as everyone else. We don't want to be ourselves anymore, we want to be 'cool.' But the character you show, the one that would be said to be 'different', is what I personally would like to be. The one that isn't the same. I say kudos to you on your way of wording this, and showing the facade that many put on.

Mask, diamonds and fancy dress;
their soul chokes under the glittery mess.
I think that it would be better if you made Mask, fancy, and mess plural. It would just sound so much better, as diamonds is plural.

Joy, happiness, for them they beg;
they all are slaves with chained legs.
This sounds so.... true. Everyone wants to be happy. That's what we look for when we do things. And, if I'm comprehending right, you're saying they're slaves of society. They're just like everybody else, and always wearing what everyone else is. Great job!

Kudos to you big time on this wonderful piece of very raw, true and amazing poetry. Great job.

As a poem in general this is good, but there's one massive thing I think ruins it. The end. I will apologise. That little rant at the end kind of ruined it for me.

A poem, when a person puts their heart into it, is often a personal thing. When you put it out for others to read you have to be prepared to accept their opinions, even though they'll bug you.

Also, this poem and the things you have talked about are the kinds of things that young people write and relate to. To say that it may require more maturity to understand contradicts that.

Having to explain things is one thing, but to write a paragraph at the end of a poem that seems to be having a stab at your reviewers, it's not good.

Even if you don't use the criticism to improve this particular piece of work, you should still listen and try hard to understand the point of view of your audience. Otherwise, instead of thinking and improving, you'll only be certifying what you already know and rejecting the rest. In this way you can't grow as a writer.

I don't mean to be so critical, but I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

Heya

Like you asked, I've popped in to say what I think of this now you've edited it. This sin't going to be a proper review or anything because I don't want to repeat anything already said, just an overall kind of thing. Compared to when I first read this, I'm happy to say that I certainly see an improvement!

There are still some things that I can see that could be worked on, but they've already been mentioned in the past few reviews. As a whole though, there's nothing major, so I won't concentrate on telling you to improve one certain thing in particular. Don't worry about getting this perfect though because perfection is impossible. Anything that's perfect isn't real, if you ask me. Something I like about this poem is the kind of raw feeling it has. It's not perfect, but it works well.

I'm glad to see an improvement!

xoxo Skins