A quick snack

The bar was nearly empty, close to being deserted in fact. Those who had stayed were the ones as empty inside as the bar was to leave until told or were waiting on the chance of someone walking in and thereby giving them a chance of some action. They all had a drink in front of them and although many of them had that one drink in their hands they hadn't gotten very far with it, the bartender, a middle-aged man who talked little but said much, was in the corner cleaning the last of the used glasses.

Outside was pitch black with very few street lights visible from the window. The nearby streets were quiet and still, as if nothing but the bar existed this night.

The sound of squeaking from rusty door hinges filled the bar as the front door steadily opened, all eyes turned as a young woman walked in, closing the door behind her. She had long red hair and bright green eyes, she was wearing black jeans that were slightly faded around the knee area, an open jean jacket and a white t-shirt. Her face portrayed innocence and youth but her eyes said different. They portrayed age and experience, but it was hidden almost perfectly. Most of the other patrons turned back to their drinks after a few seconds, they had their fill of her, but there were some who kept watch as she moved to one of the bar stools and sat down, their eyes never moved from her. They were mentally undressing her. The bartender was one of those who kept his eyes on her, but was for different reasons; he wanted to know why she was in the bar, not what he could do to her.

The bartender waited for a few moments that seemed longer than they actually were. Waited, staring. The woman didn't seem to notice, either that or she didn't care. She just sat on the stool staring ahead at nothing and waited patiently. When the bartender finally decided to go to her he went at a quicker pace that he liked and met her sooner than he wanted, when he stood in front of her she looks up at him and smiles. It was a nice closed mouth smile, giving away kindness and her eyes matched it. The bartender believed the smile and the eyes almost instantly and his tension and curiosity towards her was lifted but only slightly.
"Hi" she said, sounding as innocent as her looks.
"What can I get you?" replied the bartender, trying his best to not sound curios. If he did sound curios the woman didn't hear it.
"I'll just have a coke with ice" she told him. The bartender nods and walks away to get a glass and fill it, although no one noticed he was relieved to create a distance between himself and the woman.

Almost all the patrons now had looked away from her, tired of her looks and her innocence. Almost all, except one. This patron had not looked away from her since he looked at the sound of the door. To a person who did not know him they would say he had what is called a simple boyhood crush, but it was more than that. He burned for her, he wanted and desired her. He watched as the bartender moved away from her to get her drink, once the bartender was a safe distance the patron got to his feet and slowly walked towards her, others noticed him and watched with a keen interest. The patron sat on a stool beside her, she noticed but did not seem to mind.
"Well hey there pretty lady" said the patron, his voice was old and gruff. She looks at him, he perfect innocence very slightly dissipated for a short second but then returned.
"Hello" her voice the same except this time given a sense of trepidation. The patron seemed to smile at that, he was enjoying this.

The bartender came back with her coke almost filled to the top of the glass, the woman then quickly turns from the patron and takes her glass, the patron's smile widens. She takes a short sip of the coke then wipes her mouth with her sleeve, she gives a quick glance back to the patron sitting next to her and notices his wide smile before quickly turning away again.
"So" said the patron, "what's a pretty young lady like yourself doing in a place like this?"
"I'm just trying to relax a little" answers the woman, she drinks more of her coke, this time taking a longer sip.
"Relax huh?" said the patron. At this the woman nods still drinking her coke. The patron's smile becomes an open toothy smile. "Well I know a perfect way to relax."
The woman finishes drinking and looks at the patron, "you do?" she asked, sounding interested but also a little desperate. The patron nods, still with his open toothy smile.

The patron gets off his stool and walks to the back towards the toilets, the woman watches him for a short time then turns to face forward, all the other patrons as well as the bartender were watching her intently, waiting to see what she would do. After a short time she got off her stool and walked to the toilets, all other watching her. As she enters the toilets a strong hand grabs her by the back of the head, she squeaks as she is pulled face to face with the patron. There is a short moment of silence then they are all over each other, their hands moving roughly from one place to another without stopping, their mouths one each other's as if sown together, not letting the other stop to breathe. Together they move until the man is against the white tiled wall. The Woman moves her kisses slowly from the patron's mouth down to his neck, he closes his eyes in pleasure as she does. He suddenly feels a sharp pain on his neck, his look of pleasure is change to a look of pain and fear. The sharp pain grows and he feels some sort of fluid running down his neck where her mouth is. With his hand still on the back of her head his tries forcing her off him, at first it doesn't work but after a few tries she finally lets go. To the patron's horror the area around the woman's mouth was covered in blood, his blood, it was running freely down his neck. All notion of innocence from her was gone, she was licking around her mouth, enjoying the taste of his blood. He was now breathing heavy, trying to get away from her but he wasn't getting very far. He raises both his hands, one to try stopping the blood from flowing, the other to put in front of himself to keep her away.
"You know you were right, this is relaxing" she said, she looked hungry for him, his blood at least. She runs to him at bites his neck again, he yells out but not loud. She drinks up the blood as it continues to flow.

When he was finally dead she stopped drinking his blood and let him fall to the floor, he was a ghostly white with his face frozen in fear. The woman smiles and sighs then goes to the nearest sink, turns on the hot water and begins washing the blood from her face and hands. When that was done she leaves the toilets and walks back to her stool at the bar, instead of sitting down she takes some money from her pocket and lays it down next to her coke glass and walks out. The eyes of everyone else on her the whole time.

Hiya,

I really liked this. The ending was certainly unexpected and sent a chill up my spine. At first, while I was reading through this, I was thinking, "Why is this in Fantasy? Did you post it in the wrong forum?" But now I get it. I think you had really lovely sentence structure, even though you had a few run on sentences and parts of it were iffy. S'okay, though. No first draft can be perfect, right?

Those who had stayed were the ones as empty inside as the bar was to leave until told or were waiting on the chance of someone walking in and thereby giving them a chance of some action.

When I read this sentence, I thought, 'whoa, slow down!' You move along too quickly that we don't really get what you're trying to say. Your first part is fine, but I think your second part could be re-worded and the two cut up into separate sentences. I this bit twice or three times to understand what you were saying. Going back to your first part--I like the analogy, but it's very tell-y. What makes them empty? It can't all be for the same reason, can it? Each person is an individual.

Another tiny thing I noticed was that you switched tenses a lot. The switching doesn't really make sense within the context of the story. In the Hunger Games, the narrative is told in the present-tense, but when Katniss has flashbacks, they're told in past-tense. Makes sense, right? Here I'm assuming it's just an error. If you pick one and stick with it, it'll make your writing seem a lot more organized and clean and tell the reader that you care.

When it came down to the story and the pacing, I thought everything was fine up until the last bit where the reader learns her true identity. For the story that you're telling, the setting of a bar just doesn't seem convincing. We know the bar is close to empty but we know that there are other people there. She doesn't even attack them, so she knows that they will report the incident to the police. Also, the man would have other people witness his murder, and believe me, they would start going at the girl and trying to pull her off him. You've demonstrated within the story that she isn't a complete savage, so I at least think that she would be a little smart and attack her victims where no one could see-where they were all alone and helpless.

But say that you *were* to set this in a bar. It would make a lot more sense for her to attack and kill everyone in the bar. She's obviously hungry, otherwise she wouldnt be going out for a feed. To her, humans are food and nothing else, so there should be nothing that makes the man she kills so special. Also, by killing the others she would be erasing any possible witnesses to the murder. All in all, I think that you really did a good job at creating a chilling story. PM me if you need anything!

-Elinor x

Thanks for the review I'll try to keep these things in mind when i post another story. To answer why she didn't kill everyone is that she is so sure of herself that she believes it to be more fun to imagine the look on all their faces when they find the dead body.

Hey Rygel! I just welcomed you, and imagine my surprise when you had posted something in the lovely Fantasy forum. Fantasy is sort of my thing.

Anyways. On to the review.

Wow, this was rather creepy! I love the act the woman puts on, and that you didn't give names to any of the characters. While there was emotion connected to the killings, it shows the lack of emotional connection of the girl to the patron and that she was just looking for a snack. Great job! Now I have a few nitpciks.

Those who had stayed were the ones as empty inside as the bar was to leave until told or were waiting on the chance of someone walking in and thereby giving them a chance of some action.

This sentence is a bit of a run-on, which makes it somewhat confusing. I would break it into two sentences (as Elinor also suggested).

Those who had stayed were the ones as empty inside as the bar.
By ending the sentence there, it keeps the intended emotion in the sentence without the confusion. As it was, the emotion of the emptyness inside these people was lost when the reader had to try to slog through the second half of the sentence.

The second half is very hard to read. Just take that part and read it out loud to yourself. Does it make sense? Try re-wording it and reading it out loud again until it makes sense.

They all had a drink in front of them and although many of them had that one drink in their hands they hadn't gotten very far with it, the bartender, a middle-aged man who talked little but said much, was in the corner cleaning the last of the used glasses.

This is another run-on, but very easy to correct.

They all had a drink in front of them and although many of them had that one drink in their hands they hadn't gotten very far with it. The bartender, a middle-aged man who talked little but said much, was in the corner cleaning the last of the used glasses.
When it switches to talking about the bartender, another sentence is required. Since it doesn't directly follow the subject of the last sentence, a comma or a semicolon wouldn't work. A period and a new sentence is what you want.

She had long red hair and bright green eyes, she was wearing black jeans that were slightly faded around the knee area, an open jean jacket and a white t-shirt.

This is a lot of info, in a very telling manner. It's what we like to call an info-dump. Right now, it is being told to the reader exactly what she looks like and that can get a little dull to read. Try to show her appearance. Be descriptive and use subtle manners of giving the most important appearance details of her.

Here is a great article on Showing v. Telling that should help you understand it more: Show and Tell (By: CastlesInTheSky)

The Bathroom Scene
This seemed a little rushed, and a little strange to me. Yeah, it was already strange in that she killed him, but there has to be a bit of realism to them going to the bathroom together that I don't feel was best portrayed here. The motive was pretty good; the guy's drunk, the girl is looking for a good time, no strings attached one night stand sort of thing. But that could be better explained to the reader, I think, in the dialogue between the two. Plus, I had no idea what the guy was doing when he up and left for the bathroom. It seems like there should have been some more noticeable communication between the two on the whole bathroom thing.

Dialogue
The punctuation in the dialogue isn't exactly right. It's something I personally had no idea about when I first joined YWS. Here is a great article about puntuating dialogue that you should check out: Dialogue Punctuation (By: JFW1415)

Well that's all I have to say. Wow, that was a bit long! I hope it helps, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions at all.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Those who had stayed were the ones as empty inside as the bar was to leave until told or were waiting on the chance of someone walking in and thereby giving them a chance of some action.

This sentance is a run on that starts out good but then starts to get jumbled. "was to leave until told " doesn't make sense. Before that part it's very good. So they were waiting until they were told to leave or some action? Make a new sentance and try to clear it up a bit.

many of them had that one drink in their hands they hadn't gotten very far with it

Once again, a bit unclear. Say they had the same drink in their hands the entire time but they hadn't gotten very far with it.

Very good description of the woman.

The bartender waited for a few moments that seemed longer than they actually were

to who did they seem long? and why?

When the bartender finally decided to go to her he went at a quicker pace that he liked and met her sooner than he wanted, when he stood in front of her she looks up at him and smiles.

I think you mean "than he liked" and I would have said why did he meet her sooner than he wanted to, except I really like how that sounds so I would keep it, I think it gives character to the bartender in a way.
Also pay attention to tense "looks" and "smiles" switch tense.

I really like your writing and the way it sets the tone of the story so well. (Pay attention to tense)

As she enters the toilets a strong hand grabs her by the back of the head, she squeaks as she is pulled face to face with the patron

It sounds a bit like she is being attacked at first, maybe add some more passion, you know?

The ending was so surprising and it was a great twist. Very good ^_^
My biggest suggestion is to watch the tenses, personally I prefer past but whatever you want make sure it is consistant