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This is a dream I had a couple of weeks ago, I'm in the process of writing it down and still haven't finished. But this is The Immortal Heart so far.

The Immortal Heart



Chapter One
It was shortly after sundown, but it was darker than usual, it was a new moon and I was sat at my dressing table. I stared into the eyes of the girl looking back at me from inside the mirror, she had rich brown hair that glinted red in the candle light, and pointed elvin ears. Delicate red lips, and pale skin. In contrast with her dark hair, her skin seemed paler still. But looking into the forest green eyes-eyes brighter than most, the eyes of a hypnotist-they still scared me a little. I rose from my chair, walked over to my bed and pulled back the quilts. I sat down and blew out the candle. I didn’t hear the door open, they came like shadows. Seven of them in blood red cloaks, I couldn’t see their faces but I knew they meant me harm. I kept my Quiver and my hunting horn under my bed, so I drew them from their hiding place, leapt from my bed and went to put the horn to my lips. But they were as fast as I was; they had it out of my hand the very same second it was at my lips. I didn’t want to lose my bow and arrows too, possibly my only chance of escape, so I kept them hidden. They threw a cloak, the same as theirs around me and bound my hands behind my back. I tried to scream, but they gagged me. But then I remembered the small leather book on my night stand. My journal. The one book with every answer, I went to grab it, but forgot how fast they were. At that moment I thought I hadn’t a hope in the world.

I remember them lifting me onto a horse, and leading me into the woods away from Lyndingon. I must have fallen asleep then; I honestly don’t know how I managed it. It was so uncomfortable. It was then I had one of those strange dreams again, almost a nightmare, but not quite. I’d been having a lot of those strange dreams lately, it would always be one or two days before, and then I’d wake up and it would happen again. Just not in my dream, it would be real the second time. I was so afraid of something going wrong, and having to live in my nightmare. It was then I realised that the men that had kidnapped me were the king of Aelwan’s men. Aelwan lies beyond the western woods, and was ruled by the most terrifying king. But he didn’t scare me in the slightest.

I awoke in a cell of dull grey stone, the most depressing place I’d ever seen. The morning light pouring through the window, casting the shadows of the metal bars onto the cold, hard floor. I still had my quiver on my back, hidden by the cloak, and there were only two guards. They both looked rather tired; if I was quick I could get just one of them close enough to compel him and get the key, then fire an arrow at the other I could escape. But even if I did, my journal had probably made it into the hands of the king by now. With that book, my people had no hope. The king of Aelwan had always wanted Lyndingon, he saw my people as a liability. But with my journal at his hand, and me in here, it would be only a matter of time before he declared a war.

Just as I was about to put my plan into action, a tall man glided in rousing the sleeping guards. But this man wore not only a red cloak, but the crown of Aelwan. I’d seen it only once before, but I’d know it anywhere. The king and his men had tried to reach Lyndingon before when I was 10, but were turned away when he reached the western woods. The spirits of the trees, or as my people call them Dryads, chased them away after my father, his men and I had rode out to see what the problem was. One of the Dryads had come in the night to warn us, so we turned them away knowing only bad things would come of letting them pass. But I had maps in my journal with routes winding around the western woods to Lyndingon. Which is why I remained sat in the corner, silent.

The king strode over to the wooden door, and beckoned the guard with the key to unlock the door. I knew if I tried to escape, they’d just have me locked up in this god forsaken cell at the snap of his fingers.

“The Elvin Princess, Rhoslyn is it?” He said this with a smug smile spread across his face. If he knew I had my bow and arrows under the cloak it would be a completely different story.

“You know full well who I am; otherwise you wouldn’t have sent your men to kidnap me in my sleep would you? Speaking of which, how did you get past the forest?”. He rested his hand on his sword hilt, and I suddenly realised what he meant. “You didn’t? You monster! You can’t just ride in on your high horse, cutting down the most beautiful forest known to this world! Your despicable, you obnoxious beast!”

“You will learn to hold your toung, or lose it!” the king roared, I rose from the floor and took a step towards him,

“And you will learn that I will NOT take orders from a cold hearted coward of a man!” He nodded at the guard again, and he slammed the door in my face and locked it again. I watched him walk away, with a stare that could have given him a headache, and I returned to the corner and slid down in defeat.


Chapter Two
My eyes were growing heavy, but I knew I could not fall asleep. Not even or a second. But then I remembered, the dagger I kept tied to my leg. I checked to see if the guards were watching, but they were both mumbling in their sleep, I smiled to myself and lifted my skirts. I pulled my hands apart as far as the bonds would stretch, and started cutting at the rope. I’d got them lose, but not lose enough that I could pull them apart, or slip tem over my hands. When I heard the door creek open, muffled footsteps crept down the short path leading to my cell, and the shadow of a man came closer and closer. At first I thought it must be the king or one of his men, so I hid my knife and asked myself why he would go to such an effort to stay unnoticed. He had come to kill me. I clasped my hand around my bow, and the other pulled on the arrow. I slowed my breathing hoping that it would seem I was asleep, but then the shadow stopped moving and he turned his head. Its pace quickened and it ran towards me, I got ready to fire when the hood of the cloak the figure was wearing fell. Revealing the face of a handsome young boy. Red-brown hair fell to his shoulders in lose curls. His eyes were a deep, rich brown. He stood almost as high as the door, his face was kind. Warm even, and he looked maybe 14, no older than 15.
“Princess Rhoslyn, you must come with me. Quickly”. His voice portrayed the same kindness and warmth of his face. It was rich with understanding, it sounded almost as if he cared.

“Who are you?”, I drew my arrow, I didn’t know what to think. He may have looked and sounded kind, but this was Aelwan, and in Aelwan trust is hard to come by.

“my name is Orin, son of king Aldaren. I’ve come not to harm you, but to help you. We must go, now!”

“So, youv'e come to rescue me? I hate to tell you this, but I am in no need of rescuing. Esspecially by the king of Aelwan's son! And anyway, how do I know I can trust you?”
prince Orin reached into his pocket and pulled out a scruffy, old leather book the size of his hand. My journal! “Where did you get that?”

“Princess you must come with me, now! I assure you, I am nothing like my father. I believe this belongs to you,” he handed my journal to me and smiled. When he smiled, his face lit up. He was perfect.

“What will you do? Your father will know you helped me.”

“I’m coming with you.” He produced a silver key from the same pocket and unlocked the door. “Quickly, someone will have heard that.”

“Wait the guards. I think I can buy us some time.” I ran over to the sleeping guards and shook one of them. He opened his eyes slowly, and opened his mouth to scream. I put my finger to my lips, and he stopped. From the corner of my eye I could see Orin watching me with a questioning look on his face. I turned back to the guard and whispered, “You will tell no one I have gone, or where I have gone. Nor will you tell of the boy’s part in this, if they ask I am still in my cell.” I repeated this on the other and turned to face Orin. “Ask them where I am,” Orin stepped past me and looked from one to the other, then asked

“Where is the girl?” he smiled at me and waited for an answer.

“In her cell Sir”. The two men answered in unison. Orin looked like he was impressed, but was trying hard to hide it. “Just in case,” I took the key from Orin and pushed the two men into the cell and locked them both in.
“Come on, and thank you. You didn’t have to do that; you could have compelled me as well. Locked me in there too, but you did. Thank you.”
“Come on then, if you’re sure you want to come with me. You don’t have to.”

“I know.” He smiled at me again, the same perfect smile as before and held out his hand.

“Thank you.” I slid my hand into his, and with the other I pulled the hood of the cloak over my head, hiding my face. Orin did the same, and together we ran through what seemed like hundreds of the same dull, grey cells. Orin’s sword drawn, and my arrow ready to fire at anyone who crossed our path.

It wasn’t long before we came across three cloaked guards; Orin was at the first with his sword and had him down in half a second. Whilst I got the other, and I think the last got it the worst when we both went for him. We kept running, it was impossible to think Orin knew his way out of there, to me it all looked the same.

When we eventually reached the door it took both of us to get it open. It was an old wooden door with iron nails and bolts. We stepped outside only to find five more guards, but we had them all down in seconds. Orin led me around the corner where a jet black stallion with warm brown eyes stood, and as if it knew we needed it.
“This is beauty,” He gestured for me to get up first, so I put my foot in the stirrup and pulled myself up as swiftly as I could. I slid myself back in the saddle so that he could sit in front of me and take the reins. And we set off towards the forest.

It didn’t take long before we were deep inside the forest, but I was beginning to wonder what was going to happen next. It wouldn’t be long, and someone was bound to notice Prince Orin’s absence, maybe a little longer until they noticed I was missing. Curiosity was beginning to get the better of me,
“So, what next? We can’t run forever, Beauty will need rest and food.” At that Orin pulled slightly on the reins and Beauty slowed to a walking pace.

“I have a friend not far from here we can stay with him,”

“Who is he?” I didn’t know if we could trust his ‘friend’, what word got out to the king?

“My uncle. But it’s ok. He hates my father. Wait. No, that sounds...a bit...strange. Well he never liked my father to begin with. But then, when my mother died my uncle thought it was his fault. He’ll keep us safe, I promise.”

“Ok, how much further?” I was beginning to relax a little now.

“Not long, we’ll be there by sunrise. His name is Red,”

“Your father doesn’t know where he lives does he?”

“No, you’ll understand when we get there.”


Chapter Three
He was right. When Orin pulled Beauty to a stop, I couldn’t see why we’d stopped. All I could see was the forest floor, I looked up but there was no sign of a tree house. But then Orin confirmed that we had arrived,
“We’re here,” he jumped down of Beauty and strode over to a spot that seemed the same as any other. Then he crouched down and knocked three times on the ground, the sound of faint footsteps filled the silence of the forest.
“stay there, I won’t be long.” And then he just disappeared. A moment later a hatch opened in the ground and Orin came into view,
“Come on, and bring Beauty. She can come too.” Then he disappeared again and I followed behind him.

When we were through the little hatch, Orin took Beauty’s reigns and led her to the end of a long hall. It was made with uneven stones instead of bricks, of uncountable colours. I looked down, and the floor was lined with thick, green moss. It felt nice for a change, after the rough grey stones of the cell and the rocky floor of the forest-well no normal person wears shoes to bed, and the kings men didn’t really give me much time to pack for the journey. Orin took off Beauty’s bridal and saddle, for the past day she’d been carrying our food, water and our cloaks. I waited until he was finished, then followed him through a small food in the side of the hall into what looked like a tiny kitchen. The walls and the floor were the same as in the hall, and there was a little wooden table that looked like it had seen better days. One of the legs had fallen off and had been replaced by what seemed to be a thick branch-and chairs to match, yet they were all different. Against one of the walls was an ancient stove, a cupboard and another smaller table with a wicker basket filled with food.

A short man shuffled in through another door, which looked as if it were hanging on to the frame for its life. He had very red hair, which made me question if the name ‘red’ was a nickname or not. Orin ran over to his uncle and hugged him tightly, when he released his grip he called me over.

“Rhoslyn, this is my uncles Red” he took a step back so he was stood next to him, and Red held out his hand for me to shake. He had a surprisingly strong hand shake for such a little man, he smiled at me. It was nowhere near as perfect as Orin’s, but I could see the family resemblance.

“It’s an honour to meet you your highness”, he bowed and I smiled back.

“I cannot thank you enough for letting us stay with you,”

“It’s no problem at all, it’s an honour to have you both stay with me. I must tell you, it has been a while since I’ve had any visitors. The house is a bit of a mess.”

Red gestured us to follow him, leading us now to a room bigger than the kitchen. In the corner was a battered, old rocking chair that looked like it would fall apart if you so much as laid a finger on it. A small, round wooden table scattered with cups, letters a pipe and various other unrecognisable things.

“I’ll go and put the kettle on, I won’t be a minute”, and he disappeared off through the door. I sat down on a faded, red cushioned seat and got out my journal. I flicked through; it was like looking back on my life. My mother and father had given to me on my 7th birthday. The first several pages were drawings and watercolours, but after that there were stories and pressed flowers, maps and things I had collected. I sighed, and wound the thin leather strap around the little book. I put it away and looked over to see what Orin was doing. He was stood at the round table leafing through the letters that lay there. Then Red came shuffling in with two mugs of some sort of hot drink. He cleared a space on the table and placed a mug down, then handed the other to me. The mug was an off red colour, some sort of clay I guessed. The liquid was a green sort of colour, and didn’t look all that inviting. But I was so thirsty, and it smelled ok-sort of a minty smell. Red had gone back to the kitchen, and come back with a mug of green liquid for himself. I took a sip; it was strong with a sharp after taste.

When we had all finished our drinks Red took our mugs, he came back in a minute later

“You both must be tired, riding all that way. This way, I’ll make you up a room.” We walked through a room with one small bed and a tiny wooden chest of draws, which together took up the whole room. Then through another door into a slightly larger room with one bed and a mattress made from moss, a faded, red cushion from the chair in the other room and a patchwork quilt. Red left us and shut the door behind him, and I walked over to the assortment of things on the floor. But Orin shook his head and took my things from me and put them on the bed,

“I’ll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed”. I felt bad, so I thought I’d try once more.

“I really don’t mind”. He ignored me and led down on the quilt. I gave up and pulled the quilt on the bed back, I let down my hair and got in, and it didn’t take long before I was fast asleep.


Orin hugged his uncle good buy, and thanked him again. Then I stepped forward and wrapped my arms tightly around him, “thank you, we’re not going to leave you. When the battle is over, I will send someone to get you. On the 13th day at sunrise, look for a white horse. Goodbye”.

I woke up gasping; I’d had a whole night’s sleep. But somehow, I still felt tired. What battle?


Chapter four
I soon found out the answer to my question. Orin told me he heard his father talking about training an army, maybe 5ooo strong. They were planning to declare war against my people for Lyndingon, and that they were going these strange dreams then maybe I would see them coming.

Sure enough, the same morning Orin hugged his uncle good buy, and thanked him again. Then I stepped forward and wrapped my arms tightly around him,

“thank you, we’re not going to leave you. When the battle is over, I will send someone to get you. On the 13th day at sunrise, look for a white horse. Goodbye”. It was sad saying good bye to Red, but we had to get to Lyndingon. And I knew we were going to see him again.

We rode for three days, resting only when we had to and staying in the shadows.

“How far before people stop recognising you? We haven’t got much food left”. We had just stopped to eat what was left of the food, if you could call sale bread food.

“We should be alright at the next village. The people there know of me, but I’ve never come this way before. They won’t recognise me there,” He handed me the water and loaded our things back into the saddle bags. “And, what about you? How far before people start recognising you?” He helped me up onto Beauty, and looked up at me expectedly.

“Well, the people around here know the stories. But I’d say past the black forest. Which, by the way we’re going to have to make our way through,” he shot me a questioning look, waiting for an answer.

“Have you not heard the stories? The Black woods are full of bandits and con men. It’s dangerous; we’ll have to stay out of sight”.

A day later we reached the border of the Black forest. The stories were what kept people away, and they were also why it was deathly silent. Orin took a deep breath and gently nudged Beauty with his heel, and she trotted forward. We were both glancing around, over our shoulders and up in the trees. Every now and then we’d hear something, which turned out to be a bird or a rabbit. But we were both on edge, and so we stayed in the shadows of the trees.

We could no longer see the sun, and we knew we had to get out of the forest by sunrise. But with the trees over head, there was no way of telling.
It all looked the same, if we were going the wrong way there was no knowing which way would take us back. So we kept going. Through the trees I could see a small stone building, and as we got closer I could see a dim light coming from one of the little windows. The bricks were a familiar dull grey, and the door was a heavy wooden one with metal bolts. A tall man wearing a long, black coat walked through the open door.

“Orin, quick hide!” I hissed, and he pulled on the reins pulling Beauty behind an old oak tree. The man mounted a chestnut brown horse, and then he set off into the forest. “he’s leaving, come on. He might know the way out. But we have to be careful, he can’t see us”.

He rode swiftly, as though he was running from someone. He didn’t seem to be able to see us; we rode as far from him as we could. But then he stopped, suddenly. Like he had heard something, his head whipped up and he looked straight at us. He dismounted and walked over to me and Orin, frozen with fright. Orin overcame the frear and drew his sword, and catching on I pulled my bow and an arrow from my quiver. We jumped down from Beauty and cornered him; he was trapped between us and another ancient tree. I pulled my dagger out from its hiding place and pushed it up against his throat and smiled. Whilst Orin searched for something to tie him up with, he searched through the strangers saddle bags. Then he whipped around and walked briskly to Beauty and pulled from a bag I hadn’t seen before, a long piece of rope.

“Where did you get that from?” as I spoke I didn’t move the knife.

“I just, had a while to prepare. That’s all”.

After we’d tied him up as tight as we could, the questions started pouring out. Orin stepped away from the tree and gestured to me to get the answers we needed.

“Listen very carefully. You are going to tell us your name, why you’re here and show us how to get out of the forest”. The man looked into my eyes and his face looked emotionless, but he spoke.

“My name is Morfindien Grey, I’m here with friends. We came because we heard trading here is profitable, and I will show you the way”. I stepped back and blinked, then nodded at Orin to cut his bonds loose. As he did so, I looked through Morfindien’s thing and took his sword and two knifes. I placed them carefully on the ground and covered them in damp leaves and soil, then swung myself up onto Beauty’s back and waited for Orin.

Morfindien had stayed true to his word, granted I had compelled him. But he had led us safely out of the Black forests just as the sun was setting.

“What do we do with him now? We can’t just let him go; now he’s seen us. Can you make him forget?” he glanced over at Morfindien, who was now looking confused. But it would only be a couple of minutes before realisation hit, and he remembered everything.

“Yes, but we don’t have long. And it takes a lot more energy than just making him follow orders”. Orin looked torn, he thought it over, and then asked

“Well, will you be ok? What sort of effect does it have on you?” I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

“Well, I get very tired and I have trouble remembering things. Important things, it’ll only slow us down. But I can tell him not to tell anyone, it won’t be as strong as making him forget completely. But I know it’ll work. So I took two steps forward and placed a hand on either side of Morfindiens face.

“You will tell no one what has happened today, if you ever see us again you will pretend not to recognise us”. I lowered my hands and he backed away from us, jumping onto his horse and galloped away from us and the forest so fast that he was just a blur.

Orin took an ancient map, crumpled from being folded and unfolded so many times and was no longer white in colour. He traced a route with his finger, folded up the map and put it away again.

“Up you get,” He helped me up onto Beauty and Jumped up himself. “it’s this way. We’ll be able to find somewhere safe to rest before sunset”.
Last edited by tinkerfee on Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:42 pm, edited 9 times in total.
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Welcome to YWS!

The first thing that struck me was how long this was. YWS recently added a novel feature where you could make a novel. You can post your novel here, there are directions on how to do it there.

The first thing I read was the prologue. A good prologue is like its own little story. For example the prologue for Lord of the Rings isn't about Frodo or Aragorn, it is the story of the Ring of Power. It looks like you used a prologue to info-dump about the thirteenth princess. You gush about her for the entire prologue and finish it by telling us that she's about to be kidnapped. Which we would have found out if we skipped the prologue and just read chapter one. So, it is redundant and should either be rewritten or deleted.

Chapter one was next:

It was shortly after sundown, and the moon had risen. But it was darker than usual, it was a new moon and I had just blown out the candle on my night stand when they came.


The nit pick here is that during a new moon, the moon rises at six in the morning and sets at six in the evening. We never see it because the sun is up during that time and we don't see any light from the moon because only the dark side is facing us. In fact, another name for a new moon is a dark moon, because the moon isn't visible at all.


I didn’t hear the door open, they came like shadows. Seven of them in blood red cloaks, I couldn’t see their faces but I knew they meant me harm. I kept my Quiver and my hunting horn under my bed, so I drew them from their hiding place, leapt from my bed and went to put the horn to my lips.


In the darkness of the room, it would be very difficult to make out any detail at all. This changes the way the fight would play out. Also, a bow and arrow would be of limited use in a close quarter fight. The quiver only holds arrows, so it would be very hard to make use of the arrows inside. A knife is a more practical close quarters weapon.

But they were as fast as I was; they had it out of my hand the very same second it was at my lips. I didn’t want to lose my bow and arrows too, possibly my only chance of escape, so I kept them hidden. They threw a cloak, the same as theirs around me and bound my hands behind my back. I tried to scream, but my throat was too dry. But then I remembered the small leather book on my night stand. My journal. The one book with every answer, I went to grab it, but forgot how fast they were. At that moment I thought I hadn’t a hope in the world.


Another thing, a bow is very big, and arrows rattle around the quiver, which is very inconvenient if you are trying to hide them. This scene screams of author interference. Author interference is when the character acts or thinks a certain way, not because it is their character, but because it is convenient for their author. She wouldn't think twice about her journal if she was convinced that she'd be able to escape. And if it was that important to her, then that's all the more reason to keep it out of the hands of her kidnappers. Also, she has a dry voice, which prevents her from screaming out? How convenient.

A more realistic approach would be to have her actually fight her kidnappers. If you can't blow on a horn and you can't scream out, the next best thing is to break stuff. True, you might end up having to smash a family heirloom, but you did so under duress.

A more realistic approach for the kidnappers would be to drug her immediately. If you have to transport a conscious prisoner, you have to watch them constantly, worry about them alerting someone, and you have to fight with them in order to get them to go anywhere or do anything. If you have to transport an unconscious prisoner, it's as easy as carrying a heavy sack of potatoes.

I know there is a lot more, but this is about as far as I got. You might get more comments by using the novel feature.
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Hello there tinkerfee and welcome to YWS
Cool avatar. Anyways, you have something promising going on here. I think that your writing has a lot of potential. There are just a few things I noticed that need some attention,

My eyes were growing heavy, but I knew if I couldn’t fall asleep

The word in bold should be "could not" instead of "couldn't".
I am not sure if it was intentional but I was kind of bothered by everything being centered (but that's just me :) )
Also, try to separate your quotes from the rest of the story,

I will give an example with this paragraph
The king strode over to the wooden door, and beckoned the guard with the key to unlock the door. I knew if I tried to escape, they’d just have me locked up in this god forsaken cell at the snap of his fingers. “Princess, Rhoslyn is it?” He said this with a smug smile spread across his face. If he knew I had my bow and arrows under the cloak it would be a completely different story. “You know full well who I am; otherwise you wouldn’t have sent your men to kidnap me in my sleep would you? Speaking of which, how did you get past the forest?”. He rested his hand on his sword hilt, and I suddenly realised what he meant. “You didn’t? You monster! You can’t just ride in on your high horse, cutting down the most beautiful forest known to this world! Your despicable, you obnoxious beast!”
“You will learn to hold your tong, or lose it!” the king roared, I rose from the floor and took a step towards him,
“And you will learn that I will NOT take orders from a cold hearted coward of a man!” He nodded at the guard again, and he slammed the door in my face and locked it again. I watched him walk away, with a stare that could have given him a headache, and I returned to the corner and slid down in defeat.


It should be like this,
The king strode over to the wooden door, and beckoned the guard with the key to unlock the door. I knew if I tried to escape, they’d just have me locked up in this god forsaken cell at the snap of his fingers.

“Princess, Rhoslyn is it?” He said this with a smug smile spread across his face.

If he knew I had my bow and arrows under the cloak it would be a completely different story.

“You know full well who I am; otherwise you wouldn’t have sent your men to kidnap me in my sleep would you? Speaking of which, how did you get past the forest?”.

He rested his hand on his sword hilt, and I suddenly realised what he meant.

“You didn’t? You monster! You can’t just ride in on your high horse, cutting down the most beautiful forest known to this world! Your despicable, you obnoxious beast!”

“You will learn to hold your tong, or lose it!” the king roared, I rose from the floor and took a step towards him,

“And you will learn that I will NOT take orders from a cold hearted coward of a man!” He nodded at the guard again, and he slammed the door in my face and locked it again.

I watched him walk away, with a stare that could have given him a headache, and I returned to the corner and slid down in defeat.

This way the piece is neat and you can tell when and which character it speaking.
One more word of advice is that when you submit your work, try to break it into parts. Like here you submitted three chapters and a prologue, its too much. Maybe next time you can submit only one chapter. This is because smaller work makes it easy to review and spot any mistakes or suggestions the reviewer may want to discuss with you.

I think I'm done here. I love where your story is going. You definitely show some good storytelling and writing skills. So you dreamt all of this? Wow, you have what we call an 'imagination' :wink: :D
I hope I helped a little.
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Hello, Tinkerfee. Welcome to YWS! You know the first thing that struck me was how long this was. I mean it must have been a long dream... But I always have long dreams that span hours...And I'm just rambling. Anyway, On to the story. I really enjoyed this. That's because i love stories about medieval things. I can't say much about editing it because the things I wanted to say have already been said by others. But don't think you're alone on the errors. I went a whole three years not knowing I was supposed to change the line when a character said something.
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Teehee! I love stories that are based on dreams... they're so crazy! :o

Okay! So a few general comments, which hopefully will be useful! ^^

First of all! I think it would be better if the prologue were gone. I really love dream stories and I think you can just plunge into the story (first chapter!) without any real introduction or whatever. And this is mostly because you have a really exciting first chapter and a really slow prologue. I want to get into the excitement sooner! :o

Instead of the prologue, try incorporating the details in the first chapter and onward. It'll help stretch the story a little bit, which is good!

Speaking of stretching the story! :o

Right now, I'm really liking that you're getting this written down as quickly as you can. Let's face it... dreams are tricky little rascals and it's good that you're writing the most important details as quickly as you can. However! Right now, it seems like it's going at warp speed! For instance:

“Princess Rhoslyn, you must come with me. Quickly”. His voice portrayed the same kindness and warmth of his face. It was rich with understanding, it sounded almost as if he cared.


This is a good start, but I would really love to see what he looks like more and why she thinks he is kind. When I read this, I was trying to figure out whether I should trust him or not, but you didn't really give any details so that my imagination could run wild! I would really like to bond with your characters too... so be more descriptive. And don't be afraid to slow down! You have an action-packed adventure... it's awesome, really! So you don't need to rush at warp-speed.

See you around! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Amazing and a beautiful read.
"You are without a doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of."

"But you have heard of me."



To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics