The Last Days of Summer

Alli in a pastel colored one that shimmered when she walked, Okay, I understood that ‘one’ was talking about the dress but you tell us that Erin is wearing a ‘shirt-dress.’ So why not tell us what type of dress she is wearing as well instead of just ‘one.’

As the sun set into the horizon and the waves flapped gently against the side of the dock. When you start talking about a sunset, you always hear about the vivid beautiful oranges and purples. But you don’t really get much here. Describe. It will give the story some extra life.

Elinor Brynn wrote:This is just an experimental piece of flash fiction I wrote--enjoy!
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As the sun set into the horizon and the waves flapped gently against the side of the dock To be honest, I'm not sure if I want to read on after that bit. It was awkward and it was sort of bland., Erin and Alli sat barefoot, the tips of their toes gently brushing against the waves, to exchange a fond goodbye. This last part kills the sentence for me. Chopping it off would do the piece good, IMO. It's too tell-y. Also, this sentence in general has way too much going on. They had just left a going away party that Erin had thrown, and as such were still in their dresses—Alli in a pastel colored one that shimmered when she walked, and Erin in a shirt-dress made of white silk.
The two girls sat Try to find another way around it. I'm personally against the word "sat". I know. Weird. >>" I think it's just me though. for a moment in silence, admiring the view. They were at Erin’s home by Lake Superior. Alli had always been jealous of how nice it was. “I’m going to miss you,” she said softly, Putting the dialog tag here destroys the flow and feel of what she's saying, which has some impact. “this place, Wisconsin—I don’t want to move.”
Erin sighed, not saying anything. She didn’t want her friend to move, but was beginning to grow tired of her whining. I thought you said they were saying a fond goodbye. This doesn't sound so fond. However, I do like the touch of realism here - Erin is sick of the whining instead of commiserating with her friend. This hadn’t been the first time she’d done it. That's implied by the last sentence so you can cut this out. This is flash fiction, so you have to conserve words. Everything superfluous must be cut...I think. “Alli,” Erin comforted, “This doesn’t have to be the last time we ever see each other. You said she said nothing back there. If she's going to say something in response, you might as well cut the "not saying anything" part. You have my Facebook and my cell, and maybe I can come to California to visit you one day.”
“One day,” said Alli with a sigh So much sighing. I think you can cut out the sigh here. I know it makes sense for her to sigh but I just don't like it here.. From the way she stared blankly at the water, Erin could tell that Alli (Your antecedents were confusing there so I fixed it.) was still upset.
“Hey,” said Erin, placing her hand on Alli’s shoulder and rubbing it gently. “Perk up a bit This sounds kinda stiff. Why not just say cheer up? It's more natural., okay? Don’t be so down. You liked the party, didn’t you?”
“It was wonderful, If they're as old as I suspect they are, they wouldn't say that. They're more likely to say "great".” she replied, “But [Deleted during it,] I just kept thinking about how I’m going to miss everyone, if I’ll adjust at my new school, and Zach…Zach…”
“You guys can facebook and call each other,” Erin said, reassuring her, “And maybe he can visit you too. It won’t be that bad.” Putting "that" in there sort of fixes the flow.
“Will he be able to keep it up?” Alli asked. “Long distance relationships can be hard to maintain. He’s going to be spending a lot less time with me, and the internet makes secrets easy to keep.”
Alli broke into a soft chorus of tears and lay her head on Erin’s shoulder.
“But you’ll always have your friends.” Might want to tag Erin there.

Elinor Brynn wrote:As the sun set into the horizon and the waves flapped gently against the side of the dock, I don't like this. It's setting a pretty big scene, but the way you did it was kind of plain and didn't really make me picture anything. Erin and Alli sat barefoot, the tips of their toes gently brushing against the waves, to exchange a fond goodbye. Use shorter sentences, too much is happening here. They had just left a going away party that I don't like 'that', it really weakens your sentence. Erin had thrown, and as such were still in their dresses—Alli in a pastel colored one that Again, don't like 'that'. I also wanted more of a description of her appearance. What they look like is more important than their clothes. shimmered when she walked, and Erin in a shirt-dress made of white silk.
The two girls sat for a moment Delete 'for a moment' in silence, admiring the view. They were at Erin’s home by Lake Superior. Alli had always been jealous of how nice it was. “I’m going to miss you,” she said softly, “this place, Wisconsin—I don’t want to move.”
Erin sighed, not saying anything. Delete 'not saying anything', there is no reason to if he doesn't have dialog' She didn’t want her friend to move, but was beginning to grow tired of her whining. This hadn’t been the first time she’d done it. Delete this sentence “Alli,” Erin comforted, “This doesn’t have to be the last time we ever see each other. You have my Facebook I personally wouldn't mention facebook and my cell, and maybe I can come to California to visit you one day.”
“One day,” said Alli with a sigh Awkward, where is the sigh?. From the way she stared blankly at the water, Erin could tell that she was still upset.
“Hey,” said Erin, placing her hand on Alli’s shoulder and rubbing in said Erin, gently rubbing her shoulder gently. “Perk up a bit, okay? Don’t be so down. Delete 'don't be so down' You liked the party, didn’t you?”
“It was wonderful,” she replied, “But during it, Swap 'during it' for an ellipsis I just kept thinking about how I’m going to miss everyone, if I’ll adjust at my new school, and Zach…Zach…”
“You guys can facebook and call each other,” Erin said, reassuring her, “And maybe he can visit you too. It won’t be bad.”
“Will he be able to keep it up?” Alli asked. “Long distance relationships can be hard to maintain. He’s going to be spending a lot less time with me, and the internet makes secrets easy to keep.”
Alli broke into a soft chorus of tears and lay her head down on Erin’s shoulder.
“But you’ll always have your friends.”