No one would care

Quickly typed this into word document as it popped into my head

No one would care if I fell into a hole, filled with water,
No one would care if I lost all feeling inside my heart,
No one would care if I got lost and never returned,
No one would care if I wanted to jump,
No one would care if I asked to die,
No one cares, but you.
You give me hope,
You’re my Best
Friend

Aw, people would care! I think you would be surprised at how many people love you.

And eek! I recently got a poem kind of like this from my best friend... it was rather touching! With that said, I think you should talk more about the hope that your best friend gives rather than you dying or whatever... that way, it would even be more touching!

Just a thought.

The first line is something I've been thinking for a while. So I made it into a poem.
I'll see what I can do with it tomorrow,
Should of been doing my homework and not writing and painting, woops
Thank you!

Hmmm, I'm LastPaladin and well this doesn't hold much water, it's essentially a series of statements, the likes you get off a Hallmarks Greeting card, it's message is sweet, but there no imagery no feeling, just repetion which after the first or forth time just looks clumsy.

You could explore each of these statement within one stanza each and elaborate on each one, giving us wonderful and enchanting imagery. Remember a poem should be 'show not tell'. Focus on capturing the readers here as with a little work this could be really good. But right now it just stagnant, no flow, no gush of feeling arising from within the reviewer and or reader.

Hope this helps.

I'll call you lily

Anywho, this is a fairly decent poem, but the decent level is what you'd find on a sort of birthday card, just a very depressing one, and looking up, Last Paladin agree's on that level.
If your trying to show someone how much you care, you need to not say how'd you keep on dying, and how no one else cares, but instead, focus on how the 'best friend' cares for you, ect, more than anyone else, not how they are the only person that would do it. :/

It seems a bit begger-friend

Anywho, its okay and keep on writing!

Interesting and somewhat dark, but the ending was mellowed out and surprised me
with the amount of feeling in it. (-: I think you should write other poems sorta like
this perhaps about sadness vs. hope clashing together. It kinda reminds me of the poem
Am I Alone? by Megan Hance (http://www.netpoets.com/poems/depress/1387001.htm).
You could add on to this poem maybe a stanza or two, maybe one about this friend your talking
about, and one dramatic conclusion would be cool, possibly about sadness fading and hope
brightening. I love poems where the first part repeats and repeats, it seems to express the poem
even more. Still it is kinda short and I would like to read more of it. Great poem, its got a lot of
potential , you should try to send it to a teen magazine that might publish it.

Oooooh, a fellow New Zealander! Kia Ora, Lily

Most of what I wanted to say has been well-covered by the others, so be good to take their advice into account! I just wanted to mention something that I tend not to like reading (and this is a personal preference, just so you know); the repetition of 'No one would care if I' going down vertically makes my eyes glaze over the words, race ahead to where you've got the actual words that are different. I know you're going for an effect of creating greater emphasis by repetition, and I agree that sometimes hitting us over the head with it is the only way it works (hey, I love Shakespeare - that's how he did it!); however, in this case the repetition is too frequent in a poem as short as this, so it tends to get annoying. It kind of acts like a space-filler more than anything.

So...just a little suggestion for you to try: what about having the title as 'No one would care if I...' exactly and then getting straight into the poem? The succinctness of the poem makes it easy enough for us to grasp that that's what you're continually referring to.

Anyway, overall response would be: really? Interesting idea - of isolation and lack of care - a bit too dark for my liking, and perhaps also too hard to imagine for me, but yeah!

Ok I'm going to re-write this
I'm changing it to "Would you care?" how does that sound, and no I wont use repetition this time. I just wanted to try it, I agree its a bit sloppy
Thanks all
-Danni or Lily, just depends