Navita's EERAAI Entry - Past Cherry Island

Attached is the story I wrote for the 'Extra! Extra! Read All About It!' contest on YWS.

Enjoy.

You oughta mention you won! Congrats!

Maybe she's being modest, Lava.

Anyway, congrats! Navita, would you like critiques, or are you just putting this up here for us to read and enjoy?

Wow, Navita. No wonder you won the contest. You've given me enough amazing reviews that it's only time I attempt to return the favor.

If I ever get anything published, it will be because I can come up with plots. I can come up with plots, and dialogue, and then hope and pray I don't totally screw them up when trying to translate them onto paper. But you, you're the opposite. You use words as art. You manipulate them to your will in the way only great writers can do. Rather, you're not the opposite, because you can do both - come up with great plots and then make them into art with your word choice and style.

The juxtaposition of the two narratives - brilliant. The way they tie together - brilliant. I love both their narratives throughout, especially the way you began some of them, like Jess with the science experiments and Drew with the reading, and then shifted into what was happening. Both characters felt extremely real and had amazing voices. So yeah, wow.

I'm depressed because I can't seem to download this, and I really want to read it!

There's no way you could post the actual text, is there?

Because I really really really really really want to see it! (Lol, is that enough reallys?)

And congratulations on winning the contest!

Eli - have a read, have a write, whatever you feel like. Of course, since it's after the comp, nitpicks probably won't help a great deal (although I agree, there's always room for improvement) - but I hope you can enjoy it all the same. PM me if you want.

Attolia - I'm glad you liked it. It's an intriguing new style of writing for me, so it's good to know it worked reasonably well. You're much too kind. And PM me when you post something else.

canislupis - try opening it again! Are there any others who can't seem to download it? Tell me below and I might think about posting the actual text .

I dig it. Need I say more, kiddo?


Okay, I'll say more.

You might have come from earth and died in water, but I could tell you that you were neither. The way you leap up to score a goal, the way your words seem to float out of your mouth like they were swimming in the wind, and even the mussed up gold of your hair that seemed otherworldly when I first met you –
I could have sworn you were made of air.

I dig that, too.

Okay, I've decided to say more again now that I have a little more time (when, really, I should be going to bed because I've got a lot of packing to do in the morning for a 2 week trip).

Your two main characters have very clear voices, and they stay independent throughout the story. That's a feat on the author's part when two characters aren't stark opposites to each other, since it's two people coming from the same author's brain. Y'know, sometimes, authors will accidentally bleed characters together and their dialogue will come out equivalently.

I would say Drew is a stronger character. He exhibits a wider range of emotions, between regret, longing, bitterness, and confusion; they all come across well.

Jess appears a little weaker, but that could be just because she never knew the dead guy personally, anyway. But Jess comes across as only "slightly" in each category: slightly sarcastic, slightly confused, and kind of aloof to her own thoughts.

Oh, and this part was weird:

“Daniel, where the fuck am I?” he grits out

with "grits out" being used in place of a conventional "said" or "asked." Sometimes, the dialogue will lend itself to how we imagine the character saying it, so it's not necessary to use "grits out."