The Ride

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Hiya,

I didn't enjoy this piece. I was happy that it didn't follow the cliche death scenario you find often find in horse stories. However, as I read it, I realized that it didn't really feel like a story, but more like a dull account of an aspect of a person's life. There's no conflict, tension, or interesting characters for us relate to, no message. Basically, you've left the reader without a reason to really care.

I want to start off by talking about your description throughout the piece. Despite what you may have heard in elementary school, describing everything to last little detail and sticking an adverb next to almost every single verb in your piece does not make it good. There's a fine line between describing things in detail and painting imagery for the reader and describing things in such detail and using such complex vocabulary that the reader gets bored.

A lot of this could be cut if you got rid of the adverbs. Adverbs can sometimes be okay for certain things, like ambiguous verbs that don't paint an immediate image. For instance, instead of 'sat', it would probably be better to have the word 'sat calmly'. However, sometimes the verb speaks for itself, like'exploded' or 'ran'. You wouldn't need to add the words 'loudly' or 'quickly'. If you go back through your piece and look for such verbs,you'll be able to cut it down and make the piece flow a lot more smoothly.

Another thing that I wanted to comment on is your lack of narrative coherence. Like I said before, this doesn't read or follow the typical arc of a story. This is basically what happens: a girl sneaks downstairs, meets her horse, grooms him, and then takes him for a ride? What you're missing with this is conflict, and without conflict, things can get really boring. Here's the basic definition of a plot from Wiktionary.

The general course of a story including significant events that determine its course or significant patterns of events.

In your story, there's nothing really significant that occurs. Right now what you have is a basic premise, and the first step to building a significant plot will be coming up with obstacles. The horse scenario opens up to a lot of possibilities-perhaps the horse is sick, or maybe her family has to cut back on funds and one way they will do so is by selling the horse. Those are basic ideas to get you going, but you'll need to add on a lot more.

Another step to creating a compelling plot would be to add to your characters. Right now there's only two; your unnamed narrator and Bill, her horse. I don't anything about him except for a vague idea of a relationship; that Bill is the horse your narrator loves. They don't seem real to me. Because your narrator is your only human character, you'll probably have to focus a lot more on developing her character. Like I always say in my reviews, the more we know a character, the more they'll seem like a friend to us. We're always more apt to sympathize with our friends then with a stranger.

Keep that in mind. I'm out, but I want to suggest that you take a look at AquaMarine's fantastic article, Tips on Writing a Short Story. Its got fantastic tips to keep you moving. In them meantime, I wish you luck, and don't be afraid to PM me if you anything! Good luck, and keep writing.

-Elinor x

Wow, Elinor tore you a new one :s

I, however, enjoyed your story. I'm not a horse story person myself, having had to endure countless poems about them on deviantArt, but your story was interesting to read.

While Elinor believed you were too descriptive, it's clear that she hasn't read J.R.R.Tolkien the way you and I have; his writing went beyond the necessary descriptions of a "normal" novel, but that's one of the reason's why his writing was so unique and widely celebrated nearly half a centuary after his death.

Contary to Elinor's belief, I think that descriptive language is what most new writers today lack, and it's refreshing to see that some people can still write decent length paragraphs with good entertaining and engaging imagery. With a piece such as yours, I believe that conflict is not required. Not every single story has to have conflict. Just because Elinor has clearly read up on "writing a story" so much, doesn't mean that a story that deviates off the well beaten path is incorrect.

A story is a story is a story.

Elinor said, "Another thing that I wanted to comment on is your lack of narrative coherence. Like I said before, this doesn't read or follow the typical arc of a story." . . . I really really don't like how this girl has critiqued you.

Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." Where's the narrative coherence in that? Where's the conflict? It was considered his best work. Because of the EMOTION behind the piece. Think about it. For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn. What does that imply? Either a still-born, or something else tragic. It's a powerful piece, and I don't see any "narrative coherence".

"In your story, there's nothing really significant that occurs."

You as a writer determine what is significant. And if you conside a girl sneaking out to ride her horse as significant, then it is. People tell stories for a reason.

"The horse scenario opens up to a lot of possibilities-perhaps the horse is sick, or maybe her family has to cut back on funds and one way they will do so is by selling the horse. Those are basic ideas to get you going, but you'll need to add on a lot more." *rolls eyes* Elinor is not giving you enough credit. If you've written this much, and with such majestically descriptive writing, then I'm sure you'd have a better backstory than "maybe the horse is sick".

"Another step to creating a compelling plot would be to add to your characters. Right now there's only two; your unnamed narrator and Bill, her horse."

. . . Stephen King wrote a story about one man who got stranded on an island. One man. He was the only character. He was a doctor and a drug mule, so he had a lot of painkillers on him. After a while, there was nothing left to eat but himself. So he did. And was rightly crazy when he was finally rescued. The point is, it doesn't matter how many characters you have in a story. As long as the reader continues reading, then you've won.

Like I always say in my reviews, the more we know a character, the more they'll seem like a friend to us."

So so so so so wrong. Does this apply with more we find out about Voldemort (yeah I said it ) in the Harry Potter series, the more he becomes our friend? *raised eyebrows*

*I* believe that you have done a fantastically good job for such a short peice.

Keep writing, I look forward to seeing the rest of this story

- Jai

Wait, did you just review the story, or did you just review El's review on it? I mean disagreeing is one thing, but saying every line of your review "She is wrong, she's an idiot, don't listen to her." (which you were doing in a nutshell) is another.

I didn't review Elinor's review, otherwise I would have been looking at her use of syntax, grammar and lexicon etc. Instead, I was suggesting to mandapanda that she doesn't have to take Elinor's review to heart, because, in fact, not everything Elinor said applies, or even makes sense in this situation.

I was *opposing* Elinor's review to give mandapanda the view from the other side of the coin; her story isn't shit and worthless, the way Elinor is "subtly" hinting, and that mandapanda has definite potential.

Am I so wrong in providing positive feedback? Is it really necessary to believe that someone who so harshly critiques people really needs reinforcement? I'm sure Elinor is fine with what I said, as she is a person who doesn't sugar-coat her opinions, and neither am I.

I do, however, apologize to mandapanda for overflowing her story topic with this off tanget conversation with Bolt.

I didn't particularly enjoy this piece myself, and do agree with the first reviewer above that the adverbs were overused. However, I do not think that this piece is poorly written, by any stretch.

Lines like:
"His coat now shines with a brilliance that was not there before, and the white, ghost-shaped marking on his left shoulder stands out radiantly against a ruddy background of brown hair like a silvery moon in a dark night sky."
... show you do have a knack for imagery.

With regards to whether or not it's truly a story, I'm caught in belief between the two previous reviewers. While I do feel there's little to get one wondering, little to spark questions or much interest in the character, I have to imagine that any horse person could more greatly appreciate this. They'd see the meaning behind the bond of the person and creature, and relate, feel it, be there. In that latter way, you did a good job.

Comments in red.

mandapanda wrote:I tiptoe silently down the softly carpeted What do you mean softly carpeted? "Softly" modifies carpeted and therefore makes little sense to me. Mind clarifying? Also, there are two adverbs in seven words. That's not a good thing, IMO. staircase, consciously stepping over the creaky piece of hardwood flooring at the bottom. This last part was awkward. Revise. I take a quick glance over my left shoulder A glance is usually quick so you can get rid of "quick" here. At this point I'm beginning to think your piece has adverbitis., looking at the door that leads to my parents' bedroom, and allow myself to take a relaxing breath of air. There's a lot going on in this sentence and it will seriously benefit from being shortened. Judging by the sonorous snoring emitting from beyond the threshold, Your use of uncommon words is too forced. Way, way too forced. It's kind of awkward, actually. I have not yet been discovered. I have no idea how old your MC is, but judging from that sentence I'm guessing he's well past adolescence.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, I step out into the crisp autumn morning, taking in the sharp smell of wet grass and the sounds of birds beginning to wake up the world with their jubilant songs. You have both adjectivitis and adverbitis. If ever you revise this piece, I want you to go through it and remove all adjectives and adverbs that aren't needed. And when you choose to keep an adverb or an adjective, really think hard about it. A satisfactory sigh escapes my body This is a very odd way of phrasing it. Kind of awkward and reads a little more than weird. as I step off the porch to meet the most gorgeous boy in the world. This scene is kind of weird in my head. She sighs as she steps off the porch? Maybe you can elaborate on the reasons instead of simply saying she's meeting the most gorgeous boy in the world.

His name is Bill.

He is waiting patiently for me as I near the barn, a breathtakingly handsome paint horse This part here means that the barn is a breathtakingly handsome paint horse. ._., and lets out a high-pitched neigh in a familiar greeting. If Bill is a horse then I think "boy" up there is misleading. Stallion, maybe? He stands calmly at the gate, ears pricked forward attentively and eyes focused on only me. I know I already said this once but seriously - cut the adjectives and adverbs. He knows as well as I that we are going for a ride. I slowly open the gate, walk to where Bill is standing, and throw my arms around his muscular neck, burying my face into his coarse black mane and inhaling the comforting smell of pine shavings and horse flesh. This sounds incredibly weird and almost as if she wants to eat him. oO I feel him turn his head slightly to nip playfully at the back of my shirt, telling me that it is time to get a move on. And right there your voice changes. A while ago it was all mature, but "get a move on" is not something that fits with the tone you strove so hard to maintain throughout the earlier parts of these piece. Turning sharply on my heels, I let myself out of the dusty barn stall, leaving Bill with his head quivering with anticipation like a leaf caught in a gentle breeze that meanders through the trees. A leaf floating on a gentle breeze doesn't quiver, as far as I know. I think you can come up with a better metaphor.

I return with his worn blue halter in hand and slip it carefully over his satiny ears. The way your MC is obsessively describing the horse it almost feels as if she's in love with him. And not in the way you intend to portray. Think. She touches him everyday. Would she truly be thinking/narrating it with so much detail? She acts as if she's never done this before. It's implied by her attention to detail that this experience is something new to her. I doubt it is. His skin ripples and twitches slightly as he waits for me to buckle the halter over his poll. His skin ripples? You have to take into consideration the fact that the reader might not have seen a horse yet, and therefore will take some of the things you say literally. Personally I don't pay that much attention to horses so when you said the horse's skin rippled, it conjured a very weird image in my head. We walk leisurely out of the barn, moving together with a relaxed cadence to the cross-ties. Bill, again, waits patiently as I gather a menagerie Another word that seems stuffed into the sentence. It's like you really want to use these words and so you cram them in when you can. This makes everything awkward. Try to let the words come naturally. of items: stiff bristled brushes, a wide-toothed mane comb, and a few apple-flavored horse treats that will remain in my pocket until he decides that he wants a quick snack. I brush over his hide with smooth, even strokes and watch as miniature dust clouds float off and away from his body and You used two ands in a really short span of words and it broke the flow of the story.slowly dissipate before my eyes. I take a giant step away from Bill's side to survey my handiwork, and a pleasant smile First, I think you mean pleased. Second, when are smiles ever unpleasant? slowly starts to creep over my face as I look at him standing there sedately Sedately breaks the flow of the sentence. with his left hind hoof resting lazily on the gravel drive. His coat now shines with a brilliance that was not there before, and the white, ghost-shaped marking on his left shoulder stands out radiantly against a ruddy background of brown hair like a silvery moon in a dark night sky. This sentence had too much going on and the last part - "like a silvery moon..." seems to modify brown hair precisely because there's too many things happening in that sentence.

After returning all of my grooming tools to their proper places [I deleted a phrase here to make the sentence flow better.], I takes Bill's tan leather headstall from its nail on the tack room wall, unbuckle his halter, slip the bridle over his beautifully chiseled head, and drape the reins loosely over his proudly arched neck. First, there are a lot of things happening there. Second, that's roughly two adjectives per noun. His hooves begin to dance in anticipation beneath his massive frame as I vault nimbly onto his bare back. I immediately feel his muscles begin to tense beneath me as they bunch underneath his skin She seems hyper-aware of everything at this point. Also, "bunch underneath his skin" sounds gross.; heat emanates from his ardent body up through my worn denim Wranglers We do not need to know each and every detail., quickly warming my legs. I croon quietly to him in a soothing voice that is an almost inaudible whisper, but I know it reaches his ears. They swivel rapidly to and fro, allowing him to catch every calming word I say. He soon relaxes I'm not sure why he's tense under a rider I presume he ought to be used to by this time. Clarify? Maybe it happens to all horses? I'm not sure as I've only ridden a horse once or twice my entire life., and I give him a slight nudge with the heels of my boots, letting him know that it is finally time to go.

I sit quietly atop his back, allowing myself to sway along with the gentle rocking motion as he walks purposely forward Cutting "purposely forward" would do this sentence good. I mean, there's no reason for the reader to assume the horse is moving backwards or sideways unless you mention it, so purposely forward is superfluous., head swinging slightly from side to side with the rhythmic beats Personally I think beat would fit better than beats. of his hooves. Nothing else seems to exist at this moment. As Bill glides Glides doesn't seem to be the right word here. Glides would imply that he's not actually moving his legs. peacefully through the dew-covered grass, I am enveloped by an overwhelmingly serenity that comes only in these moments of complete bliss This is incredibly long, but it tries to convey a simple meaning., the moments where Bill and I no longer are two separate beings but blend together into one.

Written: April 29,2010

Final thoughts:

We know little about your character except that she's hyperaware of everything and irrevocably in love with her horse. We have no idea how else she acts. Characterization is vital in a story. We need to know more about this character.

There is no conflict in this story and that kind of made it hard to read and more than a bit boring. SeeminglyMeaningless's review mentions Stephen King's story about the crazy man, but there's conflict there. The character faces a problem: he has nothing to eat and he's crazy. Will he survive? In this piece your character doesn't seem to be facing any problems at all. Personally, I believe a piece needs conflict and tension to hold the reader's interest.

You use way too many adverbs and adjectives. There must be around two per noun and one per verb. This piece drags on and on and on, and I'm kind of surprised I actually got through it. I wanted to stop after the first sentence alone. Imagery doesn't meaning using a ton of adjectives. There are other ways - metaphors, personification, similes, etc. Use them in place of adjectives and adverbs. Getting rid of the adverbs and adjectives will seriously improve the quality of this piece.

Almost all of your sentences are long and this slows down the pace of the story. It makes everything seem to happen in slow motion, which is really annoying. Try to vary the lengths of your sentences. It'll do wonders.

Your word choices are poor at times. It seems as if you're truly trying so hard to be lyrical and poetic. Don't force it. I doubt your character speaks/thinks like that, even if she's celebrated a poet in her mid-thirties. And if you didn't force it then it's still pretty stilted anyway so you might want to take them out.

Anyway, those are my two cents. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

I think, mandapanda, the problem everyone else seems to have is that because you've posted this in the short story category, it means that your story starts and finishes with "I tiptoe" and "together as one".

Whereas I took this piece as to be the beginning of a complete novel etc. If this is the entire piece, then I recommend following the advice of the other reviwers. If this is meant to be an expository piece, then by all means, it definitely fits the bill.

Some might even call this prose.

And if it's prose, then it's very well done.

But if it's a short story, and there is no more to this story. . . I believe it works much better as a journal entry, or a reflective piece.

OK omg peeps stop arguing over YWS I think the first reviewer was just witnessing her first menstrual cycle so take pity on her. If you want to bag on each other over cleverly worded reviews then get a cell phone number and text it or email. Not here lol, I think the writer of this piece just wanted to describe something that means a lot to her, something she loves. Don't we all have something like that? It's something you want to describe to others in wonderful glory which is what I think she was aiming for. I am a firm believed that sometimes you just don't need conflict, it can just be. So calm down, breathe and just appreciate her piece