Obvious

3 posts
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icanbefixed
Gender Female
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Thu May 20, 2010 4:38 am
icanbefixed says... · Thu May 20, 2010 4:38 am
Silly boy.
You make me smile and laugh
but you don't see
what's in front
of you.

My friends say
it's obvious
that
it's there.
I don't see it.

It's just you.

And now.
I'm tripping again
and
I like you
more
than I originally planned.

Sorry.

Next time
I'll be sure to get someone
that will see me
when I'm not
charming
or smiling
at them.

Because
obviously
you don't
get it.

I like you.
Last edited by icanbefixed on Fri May 28, 2010 1:22 am, edited 2 times in total.
The hardest mountain to climb will have the greatest view. Everything at a different angle: memories serve as double vision, a view from the valleys as well as the precipice. But everything that goes up must come down.The descent from the peak will be twice as graceful & three times as difficult
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Snoink
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Thu May 20, 2010 7:54 am
Snoink says... · Thu May 20, 2010 7:54 am
Hey icanbefixed! :D

Okay! I love your description of the silly boy who can make the narrator smile and laugh, and yet is completely oblivious to the obvious! I think it's kind of cute in a pathetic way. But I kind of wish you spent more time describing the boy rather than having the narrator endlessly talk about herself and her feelings. So more boy and less narrator! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
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ziggiefred
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Thu May 20, 2010 12:11 pm
ziggiefred says... · Thu May 20, 2010 12:11 pm
Hello
Well, it is a different way to approach a subject like this. I definitely like the structure of the poem and the flow of your words. They are deep and the end where you say,
"I like you", it caught me completely of guard (in a good way), which is exactly what poetry is all about. I think the length was perfect and you nailed it.
Good job
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