Jungle Faith: Chapter 1/Prologue Remake

Chapter 1/Prologue

Jessica Carnivore lay asleep in her bunkbed in her father's airplane. She was dreaming about her last day at school, what she had for lunch, what exciting things happened, Meeting up with her friends, and she missed it. She would never forget that day. Never.
The school year wasn't even half over when her parents pulled her out of the eighth grade. They said that they were going on some kind of safari, and that she was going to be homeschooled from now on.
Of course Jessica was excited, but she was just making friends. It was hard for the blond headed girl to make friends. She was tall and skinny, and always reading a book. She never picked a fight with anyone because she was so weak.
She was especially excited about going over a rain forest on their safari! Jessica loved the rain forest! All the wild animals and the amazing plants, it took Jessica's breath away. She had many books about it, which were filled with colorful, eye-opening images. These books were in a wooden crate, along with her Bible up in her bed.
She would give almost anything to live there. Sometimes she would imagines herself as a beautiful, Indian princess. Wearing the colors of the forest she would disappear into the trees, blending in with her surroundings.


Jessica woke with the sound of the raging wind sending chills up he back. She saw a man with an aviator's cap and a parachute jumping out of the plane.
Who was that man? Jessica pulled her covers off and ran to the door. She held the handle at the side of the door and carefully look out the plane. She could see nothing but a large boat on the open sea. Maybe it was just a dream and the door came unlatched. Jessica turned and was about to shut the door when something caused her to look again. Jessica let out a gasp! At last what her eyes were waiting to see, a rain forest just a few miles ahead of the airplane.
"Mom, Dad do you see it? The Rain Forest, just a few miles in-head of us!" Jessica said in awe. "Mom...Dad....?" Not getting an answer Jessica shut the airplane door and walked to the cockpit, where her parents were. She pulled back the curtains to find her parents hanging limp in there chairs. She fell to her knees. She put her head to her beloved parents chests, only hear her own heart beating rapidly as she realized that her parents were dead. Jessica gasped for air as she remembered all the good times she had with her parents. She remembered her 10th birthday. Crawling into bed with her parents because of a bad dream. coming home to find her mother's arms opened, ready to welcome her after her hard day of being bullied at school, her parents giggling at the big, round, geeky glasses she had picked out, her mother and father bringing home her new little brother, Hunter, from the orphanage.


As the tears streamed down Jessica's face, she noticed the nobody was flying the plane! Her eye-site was blurry without her glasses, and from her tears. She had never flown a plane before, but her father showed her how.
At this time the plane was starting to drift down to the sea, But she pulled up on the wheel, making the airplane to level out, just as her father had showed her. Jessica's heart ached for her parents. She tried to be brave, and not cry, but it didn't work. How could she be brave at this point in her life?
Her parents dead, being all by herself. Well, besides for Hunter, screaming in the background. "Hold on baby." I manged to say. Hunter didn't listen, and continued to scream.

If only she could make it to land then she could maybe make a landing. Jessica held her breath for what seemed to be hours.
Time went by slowly. She steered the plane as her heart beat a mile-a-minute. She went over land, and gently eased down on to the treetops. The airplane crashed thought the branches, making Jessica feel like there was an earthquake. She was bracing herself for the window to crack, but it didn't. It stayed in one piece as only tiny branches hit the window.
Jessica couldn't believe it. She fainted, overwhelmed and for lack of breath.

Hi Junglelover! I'm Earthfire and I'll be your reviewer today.

First of all, I would like to suggest that you add a little more description into here. Describe Jessica's feelings and innermost thoughts. When you do that, you can really get us to connect with the character. For instance:

The pain in her heart,was indescribable

(By the way, you don't need a comma there). Don't say that its indescribable. Try to describe it for us. What would your reaction be if your parents died?
Also, try to put a hook at the beginning to grab the reader's attention, like a dream or something. Anything, as long as it gets us interested. Premonitions could be good too.

She opening her eyes she saw a man with an aviator's cap and a parachute jumping out of the plane.

Take out the she at the beginning. Also, does she know that man? If she doesn't, maybe you could put something in there about her wondering who that man is.
One last thing: explain why Jessica loves the rain forest so much. Is there a reason behind it?

Keep writing!

~Earthfire

Hi Jungle!

So, I read this once, twice, three times, and with each read-through, I kept thinking, 'Wait a minute, what? Slow down!' You barely introduce Jessica's character, tell (not show) us that she's going on a goose chase in the jungle? Then you skip and they're there. Nothing important happens, there's no room for character development, and I can tell that you rushed because of the silly grammatical errors that you're making.

About the grammatical errors-there were a few random things as well as a recurring error I noticed. Whenever you have any kind of punctuation mark, whether it be a comma, period, exclamation, question mark, or quotation, it should always be formatted like so-immediately after the word that you're punctuating (no space), and then a space before you start the next word. Does that make sense?

Anyway, about the other errors-a lot of them were silly, and could have been fixed easily had you read this before you posted it. It's always a good thing to read things through-once aloud, and once to yourself-before you post it. That way, you'll catch a lot of errors, and reviewers will know that you've put care and effort into your work rather then just rushing through it.

It really felt like your characters were neglected throughout this piece. Having dead parents is a huge cliche, so why should we care about Jessica's? Everyone has to die at one point or another. Slow down the beginning of the story-and don't feel the need to rush at all. T

his is a novel-you've got time for all the pages you can muster. Show us a little bit more about what Jessica's life was like at school, and why she was bullied. Maybe she came home crying every day, and her parents always comforted her. Were they adventurous, understanding people? What could have prompted them to go on such a trip? Were there any specifically fun or happy memories that they had together? If you establish the relationship that Jessica has with her parents, then we'll know exactly what she's losing and thus be able to sympathize with her a little bit more.

I also recommend that take Earth's suggestions. Show us exactly how she feels rather then just telling us. Try to slow down and absorb the atmosphere of the scene. There are a number instances in stories and movies where there has been "no time to mourn". I'm sure you've seen a few, so try to put yourself in the shoes of that character. How would that feel for you? Would it be hard to concentrate? Would she be holding back tears, shaking as she was trying to fly the plane?

I think Earth gave you some good suggestions, and I am actually quite curious to see where this leads. Drop me a PM if you have any questions, okay?

-Elinor xo

That you for your help! I really need it.

I did the stuff you guys said to do. All I did was edited it. So just look at the top to see the new and improved(I hope).
Thanks again Earthfire and Elinor!

Heya Jungle

I'm here to review as requested. You've already gotten some nice reviews, so I'll try not to repeat what's already been said. I'm aware that you've edited it since then, so I suppose 'll be able to see if you've done what Eli and Earthfire suggested.

She was dreaming about her last day at school. What she had for lunch, what exciting things happened, meeting up with her friends, and she missed it.

She was tall, and skinny, and always reading a book.

I think that this sounds better without the 'and'.

Jessica woke with the sound of the raging wind, sending chills up her back.

Maybe it was just a dream and the door came unlatched? Jessica turned and was about to shut the door when something caused her to look again. Jessica let out a gasp! At last, what her eyes were waiting to see; a rain forest just a few miles ahead of the airplane.

You had a few grammatical errors here.

"Mom, Dad, do you see it? The Rain Forest, just a few miles in-head of us!" Jessica said in awe. "Mom...Dad....?" Not getting an answer, Jessica shut the airplane door and walked to the cockpit, where her parents were.

The last comma here isn't needed.

She pulled back the curtains to find her parents hanging limp in their chairs. She fell to her knees. She put her head to her beloved parents chests, only hear her own heart beating rapidly as she realized that her parents were dead.

This seems a bit sudden to me. I think that you could make it a bit more descriptive and emotional. For example, describe what her parents look like. Are they pale? Are they horribly silent? Are there any noises to be heard?

Crawling into bed with her parents because of a bad dream. Coming home to find her mother's arms opened, ready to welcome her after her hard day of being bullied at school. Her parents giggling at the big, round, geeky glasses she had picked out and her mother and father bringing home her new little brother, Hunter, from the orphanage.

Unusual name... I like it.

As the tears streamed down Jessica's face, she noticed that nobody was flying the plane! Her eye-site was blurry without her glasses, and from her tears. She had never flown a plane before, but her father showed her how.

You don't need the comma highlighted in red here. Who had been flying the plane in the first place...? Surely, there must have been a pilot there at some point? Or were her parents the ones driving the plane? I think that is the case. If so, I would like you to explain that a bit more.

At this time, the plane was starting to drift down to the sea, but she pulled up on the wheel, making the airplane to level out, just as her father had showed her.

Jessica's heart ached for her parents. She tried to be brave, and not cry, but it didn't work.

You don't really need this comma either.

Well, besides for Hunter, screaming in the background. "Hold on, baby." I managed to say. Hunter didn't listen, and continued to scream.

You don't need the comma here, either. I'm also interested in how old Hunter is. I'm assuming that he's a baby, but I'm not sure.

If only she could make it to land, then she could maybe make a landing.

Time went by slowly. She steered the plane as her heart beat a mile-a-minute. She went over land, and gently eased down on to the treetops. The airplane crashed thought the branches, making Jessica feel like there was an earthquake. She was bracing herself for the window to crack, but it didn't. It stayed in one piece as only tiny branches hit the window. Jessica couldn't believe it. She fainted, overwhelmed and for lack of breath.

This ending feels a bit rushed to me, I think that you could have made it a bit more dramatic.


Overall

This story certainly has potential! I'm very glad that you asked me to review this because I rather liked it. What I like best about this, I think, is actually the idea of it. I can definitely see this story gaining a really good, exciting plot. I'm guessing that it's something like your MC and her little brother being stuck in the jungle on their own? You never know though, it could be completely different. If the plot is going t be something like that, I've actually read something rather similar. It was a great story and I'm sure that you could make a great one too. Apart from that one novel, I can't think of any story that is similar to this one. When it comes to your characters, they were interesting. They didn't especially stand out to me, but I won't be judgemental on that. This is only the first chapter/prologue after all. It takes time to really build your characters and make them really interesting and fun to read about. What I can tell of your MC so far though is good. She seems like a good narrator. As for your grammar, I did find a few errors. There's nothing too serious though. If you keep practising your writing, you'll soon be fine. Your spelling, on the other hand, was very good. I found a few typos, but I corrected them for you.

My main critique for this is actually what Elinor said. It's just that this feels a bit rushed to me and you don't take much time to be descriptive. It wasn't terribly rushed, I have definitely seen worse, but there were times when it felt as though you could have pulled on the readers heartstrings a bit more, if you get what I mean. Take the time when your MC's parents died, for example. I didn't really feel any emotion towards it. I'm not going to start crying or anything, I don't expect you to be able to do that. It's more or less an impossibility because it's only the first chapter and I don't know any of the characters well enough to feel connected to them. I do think that you could have made me feel more emotional than I did though. When your MC realised that her parents were dead, describe how there was a painful lump at the back of her throat. Tell us about how her entire body was shaking and her head was spinning. You could even make it as though she thinks she's dreaming or something? Then, the plane could suddenly jolt, making her realise that no one's driving it. Do you understand what I mean. Show us the MC's emotions as well as telling us what is happening. I think I'm making sense...

Except for this, I don't really have much else to say. If I remember correctly, I did actually read the original version of this, but I didn't comment on it. Compared to that version, I can confidently say that this version is an improvement. There is still the issue about rushing things in this sometimes, but except for that, there isn't much else to say. Although, I would maybe like to know a bit more about your MC. To begin with, how old is she? Where is she originally from? How old is her brother? I'd maybe like to know a bit more about her general history as well. If you're not sure what to write about that, I actually suggest making a character profile for her, like the ones that are made in Storybooks. I know that you're an avid Storybooker, so I thought I'd suggest that to you. That's always a good way to give your character a history, personality, appearance, etc. It just feels as though I'd like to know more about your MC. The first chapter is always a good time to let us readers get to know your characters. I don't want you to give me her life story, just let me know some little details. If you do that, us readers will feel more connected to the characters.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian