Please Remember Me

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Please Remember Me

“Does it hurt?”

So soft, without blemishes or any scars. I finger it lightly, running my thumb across the delicate face. With my other hand, I reach down and tug lightly upon the silky raven locks, watching as chestnut brown orbs peek out under long eyelashes.

“Are you hurt anywhere?” I ask quietly, fearing I could break this comfortable silence with anything louder than a whisper.

He gave me a smile, small but content, which I returned half-heartedly. I slowly lowered my hands to cup his face, but dropped them when he flinched.

“Sorry,” I say.

He smiled at me once again, more open this time with twinkling eyes.

“Don’t,” I hesitate to say. “Don’t look at me like that.” I turn away. It’s my fault this happened to you. I feel a pull on my sleeve, but
did not react on it. Instead, I clench my eyes tightly together, forcing the tears back and choking down the sob.

“Why are you so stupid?” Unable to resist the urge, I take a glance at him and watch as he plays with his blocks, making small happy sounds each time he made a new discovery; how unusual for his age, yet so right for his condition. “How can you still like someone who hurt you so?” Not like, but love. Love. I shake my head, getting rid of the old passing memories of us.

I kneel down before him and sat on the back of my ankles. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you,” I whisper, observing him as his innocent eyes lit up and he gave me a wide smile, which I painfully return. “I’m sorry,” I mutter once more and he turns away from me. I really didn’t see it coming, if I did, I wouldn’t have pushed you. My fault. My fault.

I let out a shaky breath and lean back against the wall. “How can you forgive me?” I chuckle, sounding a little insane, even to my ears. “You don’t even know, not to mention remember, what I did!” I drop my head into my hands. “Why can’t you remember? Is it because you can’t, or because you don’t want to? Is it my fault?” I glare into my hands. “What am I thinking? Of course it’s my fault. You wouldn’t even be in this state if it wasn’t for me!”

To see him like this is unbearable with renewed naivety proved by loss memories was almost worst than seeing the accident itself take place before my very eyes.

“Please forgive me.” Forgive me. Forgive me. I gripped my head. He doesn’t even remember who I am. Me. Me. The one who he said he treasured the most, before it happened.

I felt a pull on my hair and I looked up. He gave me a questioning look, wide eyes and all. I sighed and reached out my hand to pat his head. He ducked his head as he flushes in embarrassment. I tugged him into my arms and held him tight, tucking his head under my chin. I want us to go back to how we were before. No more silly arguments, just you and me, together; forever. So please come back.

“Please remember me.”
For every tear marks my courage.




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Hey Wing.

I like the piece in general, the general emotion and language used is really good. There's just a few things that drag it down.

First; Silky Locks, raven hair, chestnut brown, using orbs instead of eyes, and peeking under long lashes are all waay overused. I think it's best you just scrap that line completely.

I'm not sure who the boy is. Is it a child who has been injured, or an adult with the mind of a child? A son or a lover? It seems quite hazy, which makes it quite hard to imagine the scene.

You might also want to do another run-through and concentrate on the tenses, there's a few places where you've switched briefly from past into present.

As I said, this is a really good piece, just a little hard to get into because of those two inconsistencies.

Hope this helps :)
-Ten
We were born to be amazing.




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Hey Wing, KD here to review!


Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:


-Good beginning.
-
BrokenWing wrote:“Why are you so stupid?” Unable to resist the urge, I take a glance at him and watch as he plays with his blocks, making small happy sounds each time he made a new discovery; how unusual for his age, yet so right for his condition.
I like how you don't straight out say who/what age this guy is. It makes me more interested. You left enough clues to let the reader figure out on his own what happened to this guy.
-Good ending!
-I like your repetitiveness in this piece. Example:
BrokenWing wrote:Forgive me. Forgive me. I gripped my head. He doesn’t even remember who I am. Me. Me.


Things I Don't Like/Things You Need to Improve On:


-
BrokenWing wrote:With my other hand, I reach down and tug lightly upon the silky raven locks, watching as chestnut brown orbs peek out under long eyelashes.
Ugh. Sorry, I don't really like it when people use the word 'orb' to describe eyes. 1. Eyes look nothing like orbs. Just calling eyes 'orbs' is not a good way to describe them. 2. Calling eyes 'orbs' is a big cliche. 3. When people use the word 'orb' for eyes, it stands out in the paragraph...in a bad way. The way you call eyes 'orbs' in here does not blend in/sound good/flow well with the rest of the paragraph.
Tenyo wrote:First; Silky Locks, raven hair, chestnut brown, using orbs instead of eyes, and peeking under long lashes are all waay overused. I think it's best you just scrap that line completely.
I totally agree with Tenyo.
-Tense problems are scattered all over this piece. Sometimes I feel like this story is in present tense, and sometimes I feel like it's in past tense.

Overall: Nice job. Hope I helped, keep up the good work-

KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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Hi BrokenWing!

So, I quite liked the story. Like Tenyo, I think that you did a really good job at capturing the emotion and atmosphere, especially in so short of a piece. I could really connect with the characters and feel their affection toward one another. I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, right? I thought so until I saw Tenyo's comment; now I'm a bit unsure. Clearing that up would help a lot.

What mostly bothered me was the beginning of your story. First things first; I couldn't really tell who you were describing. You never indicate a subject, and thus it makes it the sentence a fragment. Also, it seems to me like you're describing a girl, but referring to the description in third person (i.e. the narrator would be describing someone else) but the only two characters in the story are a girl (your narrator) and the boyfriend (the injured person), so I'm a bit confused, and like James Bond said, "We wouldn't want that, would we?"

Just clearing that up would help a ton. Also, the description is way too cliche and also a mouthful to take in. There are other, more original words that you can use to say black-what about ebony, onyx, or coal? To be honest, I don't think of black when I hear 'raven', I think of like a dark purple.

Anyway, Tenyo and Kaedee brought up a lot of really good points, so I'm not going to be too redundant or repetitive. My advice to you is that, when you're having a hard time thinking of a way to describe something, don't just opt out and go all generic. Even if it requires thirty minutes of thought-the originality and creativity that you end up with will definitely be worth it. Good luck with this, and PM me if you have questions.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening