Forever Young Love (Part 1)

I didn't understand the meaning of loving someone. Sure I said I love you plenty to my mother and father but I never understood the definition of the word. There was always the question in my mind where the word had come from. I discovered the meaning from a gentleman that went by the name of William and I had thought that he was something out of the fairytales I would read from my younger days. I had been walking home from a friend’s house a particularly gloomy afternoon when the sky broke open and the heavens cried their tears upon the earth. I began to run as fast as my legs could carry me back to my house. When I was a block from it the toe of my shoe got caught in a crack of the sidewalk and I wound up sprawled on the sidewalk my clothes and my warm red hair drenched and I distraught.
It was at this time that he appeared from the curtain of rain dressed in a black turtleneck and jeans with a rather large umbrella in hand and offered to help me out of my situation. I accepted and found myself in a very cozy home that held beautiful figurines of unicorns and angels; I came to the conclusion that his mother was a dreamer. He offered me a towel to dry my hair but apologized for not being able to help out with the clothes problem other than the blanket that was wrapped around my shivering shoulders.
As soon as the rain let up I let him take me home although I was merely a block away. I discovered that he attended the same high school as I but I found it odd that I had never seen this beautiful boy before, for I didn’t understand, how I could have missed his physique amongst our peers. Well toned arms and a face that looked Greek to me. He had green eyes you wouldn’t have thought were real the way they looked into yours. He also had raven hair that in the right light looked to have blue highlights. We came to my front porch were we said our goodbyes and hoped to see more of each other.

Review time! Lucky for you I am picky when it comes to romance. Joy, joy!

The narrative at the beginning is very Conradian (referring to Joseph Conrad and his ability to write stream of thought, having been one of the first. Yay history.)I find the first half of the opening paragraph enjoyable because of this. It gives you a feel for the character and makes it easier to relate to them because many of us have had similar thoughts.

Also, Kit is right. Your opening hook is very good. Draws me in.

However, unlike Kit I did not become bored. I was hoping for more character development or what not but your opening paragraph was strong enough to pull me through it without many problems.

The last chunk in my mind is kind of ... filler-like. There is some stuff happening and we know a little about the character but there is nothing that draws us in. This is a pivotal scene. This is where it all begins. This might be one of the most important parts of the story and it feels limited to her random thoughts and her descriptions.

Simple questions spring to my mind, How long was she on the ground? Why does he care? Why does she just go into his house? Am I supposed to feel something for this random guy who helps a random girl? Etc, etc, etc. Little things but they take the edge and the realism away from the piece.

I would suggest you give yourself more room to grow with this moment. I can picture this scene taking a lot more room of this thread, instead of a small chunk. Maybe try and have a little bit more stream of consciousness, instead of jumping into raw description. Perhaps give us a glimpse (at least) of HIS personality and let the audience see this chemistry. Heck, even let his appearance be a little more of a mystery and have his description more general or spaced out.

*stretches*

I think it is a good start and I hope you continue with it. PM me if you want me to read or review anything else.

Hi!

So, I'll have to agree with KitxKat and Carden. They both brought up excellent points that I just want to expand upon a little bit more, but I won't ramble on for too long, okay? Your hook is interesting and sets up a good question: what does it mean to really love someone?

However, you don't really expand upon this ideal and just tell, tell, tell. Maybe dive in a bit more to the main character's personality and what her family is like. Instead of just telling us how they meet, right out the scene. Why? If you do, it will make things seem a lot more realistic and the author will be able to better visualize what is going on. Besides, it's a lot more interesting to read. If you compare stories to a play, Telling would be the equivalent of the playwright sitting on a bare stage and reading the script. Showing would be the play acted out and such. Get my drift? Anyway, if you need more help on showing and telling, just consult this helpful article.

Also, this story doesn't really have the profound effect that I think it's supposed to, and right now it just sort of sets up as a generic set-up for a love story, with a really annoying cliche to boot; comparing him to a Greek god. It's been done in Twilight and several other romantic fictions. Okay, so maybe you didn't say god, but still-the reader gets the effect you were going for. This is something that can easily be eliminated. We'll get that he's handsome-and besides, a lot of young people today don't really think of the Greeks when they think of true beauty-more their partner or celebrity crush, no?

So, I think this could be good if you just work on those few things. I'm not going to mention too much about character since I know that this only a prologue of sorts and that you can set up the characters within the coming parts. Just remember this; this will be the first couple paragraphs of your story that someone will read. It doesn't matter how good the rest is; if you fail to hook your reader, then she isn't going to continue. You have to latch her in the cart so she'll stay along for the ride! Good luck with this, and PM me if you have any questions/when the next part's up.

-Elinor xo