Band description

The squeak of a clarinet splits through the air, flutes wake under the hands of their players.

Drumsticks begin to dance on a drumhead, a rat a tat tat. Trombones shine golden as they’re assembled.

Trumpet valves jump up and down as fingertips change notes. Slowly the band congregants.

Hapner steps up to the front.

He raises the baton and silently counts to four. On four the whole band inhales a single breathe.

Phantom of the Opera explodes from the waiting instruments. All the sounds and all the notes coming together to create music.

hey there
I really liked this piece. I wishe it would have been longer because it's so unique. My nitpik is that:

He raises the baton and silently counts to four. On four the whole band inhales a single breathe.

counts to four and on four is a little too redundant. I suggest rewriting the second part. But I just absolutely loved this piece. great work!

Have a great day
Tiffany

Hi!

So, I'm not quite sure what this felt like. It didn't feel very non-fiction like because you don't really describe anything particular that's happened to you or something that's going around the world in general. It's almost more like bare poetry, actually. Hey, if you put this into stanzas, I think it would work perfectly well.

It all depends, really, on what kind of story you're trying to create. If you want a genuine nonfiction story, here is what you need to do: Go into detail. Rather then describing what a band sounds like, tell us more about yourself. What instrument do you play? Describe your band teacher, or any interesting days that occurred. Do you get along with the other people in the band? Were you invited to do anything special? Nonfiction is usually written for two reasons, a- because it could be informative (like a news article), and b- because it's interesting and reads like a story (literary nonfiction) or c- persuades someone (a proposal).

I'm not quite sure what you want to achieve with your story, but basically? Make sure you have a clear focus in mind when writing, and think, "what part of my story is going to be memorable to the reader?" I'm in a band too, so it would be interesting to read these kind of stories and see how my experiences compare with yours. If you need any further help, check out this article. Anyway, good luck, and PM me if you have any questions. Hope to see you around YWS!

-Elinor xo

I loved this. Being in band myself, I get the feeling. I loved the personification of each instrument, each extremely specific to it's type, whether it was the jumping valves or the waking flutes. Each description gave such a vivid image in my head, and i could see every action that each band member was doing.

I do wish this was longer. It was very well written, and it would be great to have more to read, more about each individual person, maybe add some more instruments to it. Building on the "counting to four being redundant", i agree. Maybe describe what he does, or personify the baton as you did the instruments. Also, maybe generalize it more by not including "Hapner". Is that your band director's name?

I also love the set up of the poem. It starts with a single squeak, then everybody building up to a booming sound of an amazing piece that everyone can relate to. All in all, very very well done! I loved it.

Keep writing!
Danyelle