The Rascals (Excerpt)

Blood leaked out of the fresh gash that rested above my left eye. The shadow of the prisoner drifted into the thick vegetation that surrounded me. The freak got me. He really got me! I ripped off part of my sleeve, flipped it inside out and pressed it against the tender flesh. My hand trembled with shock, causing the pain to build more and more in my head. Get a hold of yourself.

There was a light rustling in the vegetation behind me. My heart skipped a beat, then started to race uncontrollably. My head pulsed with each strained pump of the blood. Stay calm! You are being ridiculous! What kind of man would risk his life on a mere boy, when his freedom is guaranteed? Maybe being locked in that mutt cage had driven him over the edge. I pulled my Fallkniven Wilderness Knife out of his holster. The weight of the 20cm blade felt comfortable in my hand. My body wasn't willing to let my mind put us at risk.

I stared in the direction of the scuffling, though now it had drawn quiet. Have faith. It only takes one blow. The noise returned, only now it was on the move. Trying to take me by surprise? I tightened my grip on my knife and took in a deep breath. Sweat broke across my brow, causing my wound to scald and twitch.

The rhythmic patting of flesh hitting the hard soil echoed behind me. Focus. One shot. You need this. Three ... Two ... One -. I swung my body around, thrusting the knife upwards, in one smooth movement. Smoother than I had imagined it would be. The resistance of his gut made the penetration shallow.

I gulped, even though my mouth was dry. His face froze about fifteen centimeters away from my own. The madness in his eyes slowly drained and converted into sadness. Oh crap! Oh crap! My hands began to shake as they became warm with blood. His blood. His collar tightened, I felt his weight shift and I released the knife. His large frame hit the ground with a dull thud. Skyler stood over him, her hand still wrapped around the collar of his shirt.

"Lets not play with our friend, Jimmy." She grinned. She lifted her foot, just long enough for his eyes to flood with terror, and then she stomped down. Driving the knife all the way into his gut. A loud crack filled the air and the life drained from him relatively quickly. "Good work. You're ready."

I was going to be sick.

Hey there! Irish is the name is reviewing my game...for right now...

I liked this! It was suspenseful and descriptive and very original!

The only thing I saw wrong was these two things:

Get a hold of yourself.

Was that supposed to be in italics? I feel like, since you write what he's thinking, that would be something he would say to himself? If it meant to be don't worry too much about it, the italics on this site can be weird sometimes If it wasn't...uhh I'm really sorry ^_^

I pulled my Fallkniven Wilderness Knife out of his holster.

Did you mean "its"?

That's all I saw! Everything else was great.

Keep up the fantastic work!

-Irish

Hi, Sarebear here to review

First of all, nitpicks.

My hand trembled with shock, causing the pain to build more and more in my head. Get a hold of yourself.

If you are using italics for what he says to himself, you should put "Get a hold of yourself" in italics.

Stay calm! You are being ridiculous! What kind of man would risk his life on a mere boy, when his freedom is guaranteed? Maybe being locked in that mutt cage had driven him over the edge. I pulled my Fallkniven Wilderness Knife out of his holster. The weight of the 20cm blade felt comfortable in my hand. My body wasn't willing to let my mind put us at risk.

First of all, 'Stay calm! You are being ridiculous!' sounds awkward when the rest of the story is past-tense. Then for "I pulled my Fallkniven Wilderness Knife out of his holster" I think you meant out of my holster. I was confused by "My body wasn't willing to let my mind put [bold] us [/bold] at risk."

I stared in the direction of the scuffling, though now it had drawn quiet.

Maybe its just me, but I'm not sure if scuffling can 'draw' quiet.

I wasn't entirely sure why the main character stabbed a man if he gets sick at violence.

This is very good in the description department.

Nice start!

Sarebear

Hi, carden!

Because you're a fantastic reviewer and active new member, I'm going to review this. Well, I liked it. A lot. It seems like the quality of works on YWS has been going down, but this story is something I really needed-it's a breath of fresh air, definitely. I love the suspense you build and your description.

My only problem with this is that you tend to tell and not show at various instances. Here's a case of what I mean.

Blood leaked out of the fresh gash that rested above my left eye. The shadow of the prisoner drifted into the thick vegetation that surrounded me. The freak got me. He really got me!

Okay, so this description might work better with a third person story, but since we're inside your character's thoughts, you should really tell us how he feels, because that's that the first thing that is going to come to the MC's mind, right? Simply saying 'there was blood' or 'it hurts' is going to do it, because, think about it. When we get seriously hurt, we're going to think about how it feels. Also, if you go into detail, it will help us get a sense that something really dire is going on. This excellent article goes into a lot more detail abut showing and telling and gives out a lot of helpful advice.

Anyway, as a whole, I liked it, and I'm hoping you post more! PM me when you do and/or if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo