My Perfect Morning

I entered this poem into a competition a few years ago and I never even got a reply to regret my entry. What is wrong with it?

Introduced by the gigantic dweller upon the sky,
Spreading endless light that goes for miles.
Harmonious chirps from birds in their nests so dry,
Enlightened by their young ones’ smiles.

The previous night had brought massive precipitation;
This caused the fresh purified air.
A tranquil haven with free visitation;
Lush green grass with metallic beads hanging everywhere.

Take a second out of your worries and acknowledge the perfect morning.
A phenomenal mural painted on the earth;
Like inside the imagination of a care free child.
The fresh aromas that will make you feel cleansed inside
As you take a breath...
...again and again and again.

Hey Ziggie

Okay, as a newly budding grammar freak, this piece made me cringe. I do like it, but an incomplete sentence is something that, even though people get the meaning behind it, there's always something lacking. So;

"Introduced by the gigantic dweller upon the sky, / Spreading endless light that goes for miles." << There's no subject. You need to say what is introduced.

"A tranquil haven with free visitation; / Lush green grass with metallic beads hanging everywhere." << There's no verb. Every sentence needs a verb, whether something is doing or being something.

"A phenomenal mural painted on the earth; / Like inside the imagination of a care free child." << Again there's no subject. What is a phenomenal mural? Even if you just use the word 'it,' that still counts as a subject.

As I said, I do like it. You just really need to get those sentences worked out.

Hope this helps.
-Ten

Hi Ziggy!

How are you? It kind of sucks that that happened, but hey, it can to of all us at one point or another, no matter how good we think the piece is. I quite liked this! You had lovely imagery and description-I could almost feel the moist air and see the morning dew. However, there were two things that I think might have been factors in this getting denied, besides what Tenyo said.

Firstly, I feel like this all a mouthful to read and take in. I can understand that you're trying to create realistic imagery, but there are a few things that I noticed that could be cut without sacrificing anything. See below:

Introduced by the gigantic dweller upon the sky,
Spreading endless light that goes for miles.

Okay, so for the first line I assume that you're either talking about the clouds or the sun right? Gigantic would be redundant, because we don't need to be told that it's big. We already know, and people don't like to be lectured. It's a little different with your second part- light is not endless, because it is always nighttime somewhere in the world. It does go on for miles, though.

This caused the fresh purified air.

You don't need both fresh and purified, since they essentially mean the same thing. If something is fresh, it's been cleansed, right? Purified is a synonym for cleansed, if you look it up in the thesaurus.

Those were really my only qualms. I thought that this was a sweet poem and I'm sad to see that it didn't get the recognition that it deserved. Hopefully you'll be able to take it somewhere in the future or use what you learned here to write other, poems. Good luck, and PM me if you have questions.

-Elinor xo

Your poem was a great, maybe they didn't realize it or maybe there were greater poems there but do not let that discourage you. personally I think that you really need to work on your use of words, each of you lines especially stanza 1 they contain words that are over explanatory. just a little touches and would have won that competition

Heya! Alright, this wasn't a bad poem... but it certainly wasn't winning material. Here's why:

-Some phrases made no sense. For example: "Enlightened by their young ones’ smiles."
Birds cannot smile. If they could, I would be extremely concerned. or: "Introduced by the gigantic dweller upon the sky" who or what is introduced? You? The morning? The birds? You don't want to start off a poem by confusing the reader. Specify right off the bat that you're describing a perfect morning.

-Meter. You had many issues. Your meter, which you can sort of think of as beats per line, was jumpy. If you con't read it flowingly out loud, meaning without suddenly slowing, pausing, or speeding up, your meter is off. Which leads into:

-Rhyming. You show promise at this, but your word choices messed up the meter and poem. For example: "This caused the fresh purified air.
A tranquil haven with free visitation;
Lush green grass with metallic beads hanging everywhere."

Your last line in that is far too many syllables, messing up the rhyming and meter. Cut it down. Perhaps something like: "Lush green grass strung with beads here and there"? That sounds much better, and uses good imagery.

To sum it up: this is a promising poem that needs work. It won't be winning any contests until you do some revising on wording, meter, and rhyming. With work, this could be good.

Keep writing!

-Dreamy