Killer Mask [0.00]

0.00
Perfection is described by the dictionary as the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
In my eyes, perfection is just that. The need and yearning to be perfect. If I’m not perfect, than what am I?
Every time the scale spits out another number, I either jump for joy or buckle underneath the pressuring voices in my head.
If you didn’t eat that piece of cake/spoon of salsa/chicken wing, you wouldn’t have gained those extra pounds.
If the scale keeps giving me these ugly numbers, something will have to be done.

Hi!

Interesting. Is this supposed to be a prologue of sorts? It's very short and I don't know exactly how I critique this by itself. We're given no introduction to characters and no information that we need to know right away. All we're told is that you have a main character who struggles with weight. This could easily be incorporated into another part of the story.

You know what I kind of see this as? One of those summary/quote things that always appear on the back of books. I do like the way it was written, but I don't think you need to devote a whole part to this story. What you should do is slowly bring this out over the first couple of chapters. Give us only the information we need to know at the very beginning [for instance, her name and where she lives]. Then you can go on to explain her weight issues and how she feels guilty about it, and dive into her reactions when she sees her weight numbers on the scale slowly increase.

Basically? Don't feel like you have to tell us everything about a character or what the story will be about in a prologue. If you think of your character as a real person, when we meet them, we aren't going to know everything about them right off the bat. We meet them first; learn their name and appearance, then we learn more things about them. Keep this in mind whenever you introduce traits to your character.

Hope this helps, and good luck revising! PM me if you have any questions or whenever you post new parts. I'm curious to see where this leads.

-Elinor xo

RedRaven wrote:0.00
Perfection is described by the dictionary as the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
In my eyes, perfection is just that. The need and yearning to be perfect. If I’m not perfect, than what am I?
Every time the scale spits out another number, I either jump for joy or buckle underneath the pressuring voices in my head.
If you didn’t eat that piece of cake/spoon of salsa/chicken wing, you wouldn’t have gained those extra pounds.
If the scale keeps giving me these ugly numbers, something will have to be done.

So, That was short. Is this just and exert or what? Because, it was really good. The only problem I found with it was the first sentence. The dictionary thing is a tiny bit cliched, and it didn't really catch me. Sorry

I agree with Elinor, in that I see this as being perfect for a back cover summary. The title intrigues me, and reading this summary/prologue/exert makes me even more intrigued. It makes me really want to read the novel.

I'm looking forward to more!

Very nice