The Imperial City

AN: This is a songfic with the italicized portions being lyrics from Beyond the Laughing Sky, a deleted song from Disney's Alice in Wonderland that was later used in Peter Pan with revised lyrics. The song is not mine and belongs entirely to the Walt Disney Company.
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Elisabeth felt the cool air flap against her dress as she lay in the grass. It was only a matter of thirty minutes or so before the ship would come and take her and her best friend Dinah to the Imperial City. There they, along with ninety-eight others from across the realm, would stay at the imperial palace for two weeks to train in the ways of combat and stealth. And the end of the two weeks, the King would chose two people to join his team of knights.

My Dinah, you're wiser then wise,
Oh what your eyes can see!
You're the only one who understands
my curiosity.

Both girls were no doubt nervous. Since they both had found that they had been selected to go, they bubbled up with curiosity, as anyone would. Since most others would simply congratulate them and say that it would be alright, they spent a lot of time together, just talking, wondering what the palace would be like, and if either of them had a chance at the grand prize that would come out of all of this.
"Dinah," said Elisabeth, picking a daisy and placing it in her hair, "I wonder exactly what the Imperial City will be like."
Dinah rolled over on her side so that she was facing Elisabeth. "It will be much better then everything we've ever experienced here."

So please tell me...
Why does the whispering wind
Sound like a lullaby?
Is that the magic music
From beyond the laughing sky?

"It's probably going to be very different there," said Elisabeth, "Different food, different clothes."
"Different music," Dinah added. "I'm sure it will. I wonder if we'll fit in there, or if we'll make fools of ourselves."
The two girls laughed in unison. Dinah picked a fair number of flowers and began to thread a crown. When she was finished, she placed it on her head. "Do you think this will ever turn into a real crown?" she asked. "A silver circlet with studded diamonds. Or maybe"-Dinah's eyes were distant now-"Maybe a gold one with emeralds."
"We aren't going to get chosen," Elisabeth said, "and If we do, we'd only have ten years to serve out as apprentices. The king has lived for so long-he'll probably live much longer."
"But-if we got chosen, since the king is childless, one of us will be first in line to the throne. Just imagine what it would be like to be queen..."
"I wouldn't want to be queen."

Why can't the swallows remain
Where is the place they fly?
Why can't I go along with them
Beyond the laughing sky?

"Don't be silly, Elisabeth," Dinah replied softly. "We'd live in the imperial city, in a palace, no less."
"There's more to ruling then just fine living, Dinah."
Dinah shook her head, dismissing it. She picked another bunch of flowers. "Well, we'll live in a dreamworld where that's all there is to being royal. Let me make you a crown."
"Oh, alright," Elisabeth said. "But you can be the queen. I'll settle for princess."
As Dinah smiled and began to get to work, Elisabeth fidgeted. If she was chosen, she could possibly be queen. The prospect was too scary to even imagine. She'd have so much power...power that she wouldn't know how to use. Yet at the same time, there would be perks. She only wished she could think highly of that prospect, like Dinah. Elisabeth shook her head. She probably wouldn't even get selected. She needed to stop thinking about it.

If I climbed the highest tree
Where, oh, where would I be?
Would I find a place for me
In the land of grand enchantment?
Where do the clouds disappear
When they go rolling by?

"Done," said Dinah with a smile as she placed the flower crown delicately on Elisabeth head. "Now we can be the queen and princess of Emerald Isle."
Elisabeth laughed. "We'll be leaving Emerald Isle very soon," she said, "possibly never to return. Besides, Emerald Isle is too small to have a queen."
Dinah raised her eyebrow. "I thought you said that we weren't going to be selected."
"Possibly not, but there is always a probability."
Another cool breeze flew by the girls, flapping against their dresses. Dinah's was a shade of purplish-black and Elisabeth's was a rosy pink. "It's a perfect evening tonight. I wonder if it will be just as beautiful up there."
"Probably," Dinah said, "But I shall miss the water. We'll be far inland."
"It's only for two weeks."
Dinah grew red with laughter. "Do you think we're going to get selected or not!"
Elisabeth blushed. "I don't know. I just don't know. We'll have to wait and see."

I'm wondering about the world
Beyond the laughing sky.

Soon both Elisabeth and Dinah saw a ship in the distance.
"That's them," Elisabeth said, smoothing out her dress. "Let's go."

Hola!

"Do you think this will ever turn into a real crown?" she asked. "A silver circlet with studded diamonds. Or maybe"-Dinah's eyes were distant now-"Maybe a gold one with emeralds."

"We aren't going to get chosen," Elisabeth said, "and If we do, we'd only have ten years to serve out as apprentices. The king has lived for so long-he'll probably live much longer."

"But-if we got chosen, since the king is childless, one of us will be first in line to the throne.

Hmm? They're vying for the opportunity to be knights, correct? Being chosen as a knight wouldn't give them any claim at all to the throne. I'm just wondering where the thought progression is here. How are they figuring that they have a chance to be queen? And I don't get the apprentice thing, either.

"Possibly not, but there is always a probability."

Mix up here! You mean: Probably not, but there's always a possibility.

All in all, I'm a little confused as to exactly what kind of competition this is that they're trying for. These are girls in dresses who are braiding flowers into each others' hair, and they've been chosen out of all the kingdom to train to be knights? Am I missing something? You can't just fabricate this contest out of nowhere-- it's rules have to make sense, and these girls certainly don't seem like candidates for becoming a knight. They definitely don't seem to have any combat/stealth training up to this point, yet the King expects that after just two weeks he'll have prepared knights?

Figure out the terms of this selection process and what the whole thing is about. Why does the King want too more knights? Is there a shortage? Are they at war? Right now the motives aren't adding up.

Also, in the beginning she says it'll take thirty minutes for the ships to get there and pick them up, but by the end the ships come and their conversation hasn't lasted long enough for thirty minutes to have passed by.

This is very tell-y as well, like the last story I critiqued of yours, and suffers from many of the same issues writing-wise. I personally liked the content of A Woman Plays Poker better than this, because I feel like the idea behind this is kind of vague and undefined. I'm not really interested in this story or these people, because you haven't given us much reason to be. It actually feels like a snapshot from somewhere in the middle of a longer novel, and taken out of context it's not one of the more interesting scenes. Perhaps explain them sailing over, or catching their first glimpses of the city, or as they're reading their acceptance/selection letters.

There's not much wrong with the writing, technically. It's just a little dry description, theme, and character-wise. Since this seems to be a recurring issue in you work I suggest doing some character development exercises just to get a feel for how to create people. And read! You can never read enough. It'll help your writing soooo much, seriously.

Best of luck!

~Evi

I like the use of the song as a link throughout the whole story. I also enjoy the elements of mystery - how we don't quite all the way know what's going on, which makes it more intriguing. I'm not quite sure how knighthood links to queenhood, but I do enjoy the idea of women being able to be knights.

Certain phrases - such as "both girls were no doubt nervous" are unnecessary. It might be useful to show more of their feelings through dialogue or through actions. I like how Elizabeth fidgets when she thinks about becoming queen, so you can expand movements like that throughout the whole thing to show their differing opinions towards power, and perhaps introduce an element of conflict. Maybe Elizabeth avoids Dinah's gaze when she's fantasizing, or makes a comment about her being too ambitious.

Over all, this story has plenty of good ideas and solid writing that could just do with more of the classic rule - show, don't tell.