Hurt in the Shadows

Wanted to switch from blood theme poetry and tried out something that I was inspired to write from a chat with my friend about how people get hurt from betrayal of people they thought were their best friends. The title : Hurt in the Shadows is just a codename or about it as the real meaning would be : Hurt by emotions so much you're depressed.

I used short lines this time, so no wonder if it's good or nah ^^

And so it came,
The truth you refused to see.
It’s not the same,
It made you want to flee.

Your inner-self warned you,
What you clung onto?
A blink of an eye and wishes flew,
Did you say your adieu?

You never knew the pain,
Pain that was in an ambush.
It’s a powerful servant of mister drain,
Always such a wicked push.

Now you’re standing hurt,
Hurt in the shadows.
You think of them as of a dirt
That was stuck to the arrows.

Did you say you had enough?
You know that solves nothing.
It’s true that life is rough,
But don’t ever think of dyeing.

Are you going to hate?
No one will love you then.
Blaming it on your fate?
Nobody has touched your pen.

Just look for a remedy,
That is within you.
Where it’s rowdy,
There’s a goal on a menu.

This is good. I write a lot of poems but I couldn't ryhme evey other line and have it actully make sence. the only thing about it is in the last stanza. Remedy and rowdy my end in the y sound but it doesnt really sound right to me. i guess mabye im just being to picky but over all a grea peice

Ky:

I like it a lot. I was wondering if you'd think about writing a non-rhyming version. Just for comparison. I like it as is, but I was just thinking it might be even better if you considered just writing it without the rhymes. If this isn't something you want to do, I don't think it's that important.

Sarebear

Thanks you guys a lot ^^ Kept me trying to write poetry despite all my self-awareness of how much I'm bad at making it rhyme when I want to put my feelings into it.

I certainly could try writing a non-rhyming version, just that'd take some time too, because here we all have written deep in our minds that poetry usually has to rhyme.

Once again thanks =) I'll keep trying to improve my poetry!

Kyousuke

Hey, Kyousuke! Saw you reviewing, so I'd figure I would swing by.

I noticed that you had to tell what your poem was about at the very beginning and you had to explain its origins. Instead of doing this, consider showing in the poem that it's about betrayal. That way, it'll become less abstract and more real. And let's face it... the more real it is, the more powerful a poem it'll be.

Kyousuke:

This was amazing. Your descriptions were awesome, and the rhythm was flowing and free, as was your rhyming, which in most cases, tends to seem forced, and not natural.

There were only a few things I would like to say; critically at least.

-For poems like this one, I tend to find it more becoming when the lines in a poem are double-spaced, as opposed to small paragraphs.

-This is very optional, but a lot of people find more in a poem if you add a picture; if it was a depressing story you might do a closeup of a crying eye (etc).

PLEASE keep posting!!! We love you!!!
--Elfy

Thank you Snoink and Elfwriter97 =) The same with the other poem, I'll try to revise this on the weekend with your advices ^^