vomitspit

he wanted to buy me a steak
as a reward.
I told him I was a vegetarian.
people think it’s weird
when I tell them that.

hold on, he said, you don’t look like the type of person
who would be a vegetarian.
and I answered,
what, the, fuck,
is that supposed to mean?
and then he got all scared
like I was going to hurt him.

hold on, he said, I didn’t mean anything by it,
you just wear a lot of leather jackets. I didn’t think a vegetarian
would buy leather jackets.
and I answered,
I don’t care about animals,
I just don’t eat them.

hold on, he said, is it a religious thing?
and I answered,
do I look like a religious person
to you?
and then he got all scared
like I was going to hurt him.

well then, he said,
if you don’t care about animals
and it’s not a religious thing,
why won’t you let me buy you
a steak.

and I answered,

the last time I ate meat was
when I was fifteen years old.
it was me, my best friend,
Joseph Vialpondo,
Larry and Mosley.
we were eating burgers
at this diner off of Broadway.
I ordered a double bacon cheese burger,
with jalapeños
and steak sauce
and extra onions
and mushrooms.
they must not have cooked those patties long enough.
because I spent that night in my bathroom
until there was nothing left
to throw up.
my insides were all twisted up
like a bunch of knots
I thought I was gonna die.
ever since that burger with the bacon
and jalapeños
and steak sauce,
the thought of eating meat
makes me wanna throw up.

Firstly, a great way to show why being a vegeterian help! Though, I personally, could never turn away from a big juicy peice of steak! Applaud for the Title! It's what drew me towards this story in the first place. I was up for somethin' a 'lil on the gross side! (Which it sort of fufilled)

Oh, by the way I'm Puffycherry but you can call me Chrissie. I'll be your reviewer for today! I must say there weren't many capital letters for the starting of the sentence. In fact I cannot remember finding any, but that doesn't matter because the content was full proof.

It was rather long for this genre (poetry, I think) though I don't think you'd be able to do it any other way! You placed a perfect image within my head, and I sort of resent you for that because not only am I now thinking about never eating out again, or may never be able to pick up a medium rare again! But I am also very jealous at your skill!

Puffycherry wrote:Firstly, a great way to show why being a vegeterian help! Though, I personally, could never turn away from a big juicy peice of steak! Applaud for the Title! It's what drew me towards this story in the first place. I was up for somethin' a 'lil on the gross side! (Which it sort of fufilled)

Oh, by the way I'm Puffycherry but you can call me Chrissie. I'll be your reviewer for today! I must say there weren't many capital letters for the starting of the sentence. In fact I cannot remember finding any, but that doesn't matter because the content was full proof.

It was rather long for this genre (poetry, I think) though I don't think you'd be able to do it any other way! You placed a perfect image within my head, and I sort of resent you for that because not only am I now thinking about never eating out again, or may never be able to pick up a medium rare again! But I am also very jealous at your skill!

lol thanks. I'm not a vegetarian either, but my character is. He's kind of a jerk to people too. I wrote this poem because I wanted to write about this character, but I got writer's block so I wrote a poem about him instead.

I don't like to use capital letters in my poems. It just doesn't seem appealing to me for some reason.

Haha, this reminds me of some of my old poems to get into a character's head. Although, like this poem, it wasn't very poetic at all. XD

Conflict and such are good for poetry. It's what keeps poetry moving! But, where dialogue you want to draw out the conflict more, generally with poetry you start with conflict and just keep it running. So poetry is less like a strip tease than fiction... if this makes sense. So your poem's introduction seems really weak for that reason.

(Translation: this translates better to fiction.)

Good luck with your story!

Snoink wrote:Haha, this reminds me of some of my old poems to get into a character's head. Although, like this poem, it wasn't very poetic at all. XD

Conflict and such are good for poetry. It's what keeps poetry moving! But, where dialogue you want to draw out the conflict more, generally with poetry you start with conflict and just keep it running. So poetry is less like a strip tease than fiction... if this makes sense. So your poem's introduction seems really weak for that reason.

(Translation: this translates better to fiction.)

Good luck with your story!

I see. What if I mentioned that meat makes him sick in the first stanza?

What would be more poetic, actually, is you throwing everything away except for the last stanza. So you would cut all the fat and go straight to the main part of the poem. The other stanzas are more like the strip tease that you use in fiction. Also, you would revise the last stanza to say something more than just her wanting to throw up when she smells meat. That's a very little thing to say. You want to end on an attack as well.

And yeah. Poetry is all about that extra thrust, I think.

Snoink wrote:What would be more poetic, actually, is you throwing everything away except for the last stanza. So you would cut all the fat and go straight to the main part of the poem. The other stanzas are more like the strip tease that you use in fiction. Also, you would revise the last stanza to say something more than just her wanting to throw up when she smells meat. That's a very little thing to say. You want to end on an attack as well.

And yeah. Poetry is all about that extra thrust, I think.

I see what you mean. I'll play around with it some more. And it's supposed to be a guy talking. Guess I need to work on the voice some more. lol

Thanks for your help

LOL. It was the order that threw me off... girls don't generally order that quantity of food. I mean, I'm sure some do, but you have that whole weight and body image issue. It's just something that you don't do.

I think guys do it for kicks though...

Well, what can I say, other than the fact that I really enjoyed this?

So, I'm sorry, I'm not going to particularly helpful here at all, since this had beautiful flow, and if I didn't stop reading it till the end without pausing to think, then that's probably a good thing for the poem, since there are no awkward lines or forced phrases.

In case you're curious, I will tell you exactly what I liked about it anyway.

he wanted to buy me a steak
as a reward.
I told him I was a vegetarian.
people think it’s weird
when I tell them that.

Like Snoink, I immediately assumed it was a female talking since it's a guy buying someone else something. But really - I suggest keeping the ambiguity all there anyway, since it makes little difference in the grand scheme of things whether it's a guy or a girl - and the intelligent readers will figure out it's a guy when you talk about the leather jackets and the humungous order of food anyway (oh, but then they also might think it's a girl, since the character throw up afterwards - more a girl thing to do).

Anyway, a good hook, and if there's anything that was a little ho-hum, I'd say it was the 'people think it's weird when I tell them that' line. Let US think it, instead of spelling out the rather obvious thought of the narrator.

Oh, and by the way, vegetarianism - and reasons for it - fascinate me, so I was interested in seeing what the reason here might be.

hold on, he said, you don’t look like the type of person
who would be a vegetarian.
and I answered,
what, the, fuck,
is that supposed to mean?
and then he got all scared
like I was going to hurt him.

Okay, it's kind of like you're doing exactly what I want you to...just a little slower. The first question that popped into my mind was - why is the narrator vegetarian? And by you answering it...it seemed almost too quick. However, the so-called 'strip-tease' did well to prolong the final answer while simultaneously showing us a bit more about the other character - as well as this one - so the other guy didn't come across as a cardboard fake, cut out there for a meagre stanza's worth of glory (which is what would have happened if you jumped straight from the first to the last stanza, without any middle parts).

The commas in 'what, the, fuck' annoyed me - I wouldn't even put full-stops there; I mean, I know you're trying to say that he emphasised every word, but surely there must be a neater way - maybe like 'What The Fuck'?? The line about 'you don't look like the type of person who would be a vegetarian' was lightly humorous, but the stanza as a whole fell a little flat with the main character getting all scared about whether they would hurt him or not by the answer - again, this is a rather girl-thing to feel. It was kind of unuecessary too, since I don't really think peple would get hurt that easily by reasons for vegetarianism. And yet another whole stanza has gone past, and we still have no idea why - .

By the way, I know I said I'd be unhelpful, improvement-wise, but I guess I'm going to have to retract that we this. I DID enjoy it - really - so these are just little things to help you polish it up to perfection I suppose.

hold on, he said, I didn’t mean anything by it,
you just wear a lot of leather jackets. I didn’t think a vegetarian
would buy leather jackets.
and I answered,
I don’t care about animals,
I just don’t eat them.

The first time you said 'hold on,' it was a good transition to the conversation. The second time was just a useless repetition. The 'you just wear a lot of leather jackets' part was funny, for some reason, and the narrator's answer was a win as well - exactly what I'd say, were I vegetarian.

hold on, he said, is it a religious thing?
and I answered,
do I look like a religious person
to you?
and then he got all scared
like I was going to hurt him.

Oh man, that 'hold on' bit is just getting to me now. It's because you're ALREADY HOLDING US BACK from the real reason the narrator is vegetarian(which you reveal in the last stanza), so saying it that obviously just makes the phrase seem like a dud. I love the way the narrator answers - 'do I look like a religious person' - all sassy and arms folded, without you having to say it. But again, the 'he got all scared' just made the guy seem less manly (sad thing that, since he was so into his steak!), and the repetition of 'I was going to hurt him' was also rather girly (since 'hurt' in this case makes me think of emotionally hurting - if you want to imply physically hurting, then just say 'hit' - but in this case, since it adds little to the poem as a whole, I wouldn't even bother with the line).

But again, we're jumping from reason to reason, and in some ways the strip tease works as an effective driver to move the poem forward.

well then, he said,
if you don’t care about animals
and it’s not a religious thing,
why won’t you let me buy you
a steak.

'He said' - isn't there another way you might say this? The stanza seemed unecessary also, since I'm sure there're far more reasons than religion and animal-loving to not eat meat. But again, it serves well to prolong the final answer...so, I don't know. Have a think about it.

the last time I ate meat was
when I was fifteen years old.
it was me, my best friend,
Joseph Vialpondo,
Larry and Mosley.
we were eating burgers
at this diner off of Broadway.
I ordered a double bacon cheese burger,
with jalapeños
and steak sauce
and extra onions
and mushrooms.
they must not have cooked those patties long enough.
because I spent that night in my bathroom
until there was nothing left
to throw up.
my insides were all twisted up
like a bunch of knots
I thought I was gonna die.
ever since that burger with the bacon
and jalapeños
and steak sauce,
the thought of eating meat
makes me wanna throw up.

This was wonderful. Amazing flow - and even the run-on sentence really didn't bother me at all here. I agree completely - I'll eat meat happily, but if I think about it too hard, it's just gross. If I smell raw meat, or look at it, it's just too much - I find I can't bring myself to eat it, even when it's beautifully cooked and everything. Dunno - might be a female thing, that - but that's just my thoughts. And yeah, even after I've eaten it, I don't really feel like eating more. Quite the contrary, in fact.

So...thank you for a intellectualy stimulating and emotionally correct poem, that travelled well from stanza to stanza, taking numerous detours and long-shot-cuts in order to reach at the destination. Any questions or discussion - just PM me. I'd be happy to review more of your poems, based on how much I liked this one!