My life as a human dreamcatcher Part 3

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I assumed the park where they told me to meet them was Lions Park. No way was I going to search the entire Interstate Park for those freaks. The Interstate Park rested on the northwestern border between Wisconsin and Minnesota. I lived on the Wisconsin half, in St. Croix Falls. St. Croix Falls was a small town, but it suited me just fine.

Lions was about a half-mile from my house. After buying all the items on the list (I was very amazed that they even had the books), I rode my bike to Lions.

When I got there I took a quick glance and saw a couple of kids on the play ground, and Teddy walking Rorfin. Still. I mean, seriously, how much exercise did one little hamster need? It’s not as if he didn’t run on his squeaky wheel all night. (Which I could hear through the paper-thin walls.)

I surveyed the area more closely now. No sign of Alick and Durin, but I did happen to notice the sun shining through the trees, glistening the river that lay on the park’s edge. A slight breeze tickled my ear.

OK, I am going to tell you right now that I was usually a very focused person. I always turned my homework in on time and I never stared out the window during a test.

Oh, and I could fly.

But it’s not like I was going to go looking for those two guys. If they wanted their stuff, they could find me.

I strolled down to the side of the river. I stepped on one of the many huge rocks stationed at the shore. I hopped from rock to rock until I found one big enough and stable enough to sit on. I plopped down, crossed my legs, and closed my eyes, soaking in the sun.

“There you are,” said a deep voice behind me. I nearly screamed. I jerked my head up and standing there was tall, looming Alick, short, grumpy Durin, and… some musician.

For the time being I thought it best not to get too distracted. You can imagine how well that went.

I knew he was a musician because he was carrying a guitar case. He had sandy hair and deep brown eyes. He looked maybe fourteen or fifteen. His dark blue t-shirt did little to hide the fact that he was… well… buff.

“Did you get everything?” asked Alick, jerking me back to the present.

I looked at him and Midget Man. They were still wearing their tuxes. Did they realize that not only did they stick way out on the warm spring day at the park, but black sucked in heat? It must have been, like, two hundred degrees in those suits.

If it was me, I would’ve passed out already.

“Yeah.” I took the Wal-Mart bag out of my backpack. “One thing first; why did you need me to get this stuff? Is there some kind of microchip hidden in one of these books or something?”

Paranoid as I sometimes was, I made sure I grabbed everything from the middle of the racks and shelves. Just in case.

“So you have no idea why you’re here?” Alick asked expectantly.

“Because two creeps gave me money to buy them random junk?” I guessed. Hey, I thought it was a pretty good guess.

Alick sighed. He turned to an I’m-talking-to-a-three-year-old voice. “Have you ever noticed anything special about your coin when you’re dreaming?”

“What’s it to you?” As I was saying this I could feel my coin warm in my pocket.

“If you know about something, Megan,--”

“Meg.”

“--then you really should tell us. Are you sure you can’t think of anything Megan?”

“First of all,” I said. “My name’s Meg. Not Megan.

“Second, I’m thirteen, not two. Talking like that is only annoying.

“Thirdly, why in the world should I tell you anything? I don’t know you or where you come from.”

I knew I shouldn’t have said that. I should’ve played along, because for some reason, they seemed to know about my coin warming up. They probably knew more about my dreams than I did. But I was stupid. I probably blew my chance to find out anything.

I realized my mistake as soon as I made it, so I tried to fix it. Somewhat.

“I mean, I don’t know your last names, or where you live, or what you want, or even how you know my name.” I thought for a short time. “Yeah, I think I’d like that one answered first if you don’t mind.”

Alick and Durin exchanged quick glances. Durin gave a slight nod and Alick turned his attention back to me.

“OK Megan, let’s cut to the chase. What symbol’s on your coin?” Somehow he still managed to sound like her was speaking to a three year old, just more in a did you, or did you not eat the candy Tommy? Answer me! kind of way.

“An owl.” I figured fighting them wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

“And you’re fully conscious when you’re dreaming? It’s so real to you that you can’t tell the difference?”

I nodded.

“But when you’re dreaming your coin warms up, right?”

“Yes, but I don’t see what this has to do with anything.”

“Anything?” asked Alick. “Not anything, everything.” He adjusted the cuffs on his jacket sleeve before continuing.

“First Megan,--”

“Meg.”

“--you must know that earth is not the only world. There is a place called Aislin Jihan. Also known as the dream realm.

“A long time ago Aislin Jihan had a queen. Her name was Rhian Milica. Because she was the queen, she had powers no one else did. But one day a plot to overthrow her left her very weak. She used the last of her powers to absorb herself into a coin called Gerda. That would be your coin.”

I took my coin out of my pocket and examined it.

“You’re trying to tell me,” I said. “that there’s a person in my coin? I mean, no one’s that skinny.

“Anyways, if my coin is magical and stuff, then how did I get it. If it’s so special, isn’t everybody going to want to get their hands on it?”

“Actually, Megan,--”

“Meg.”

“--that’s the reason you do have it. Inside Gerda, Rhian Milica’s power are fully operational; just trapped. When necessary, she transports the coin, and herself, to a new Greer Lareina.”

“Would I sound stupid if I let out a big ‘Huh?’” Seriously, I wasn’t even sure I could pronounce that.

“A Greer Lareina is an Aware. A very special one.”

“You say that like I’m supposed to know what that is or something.”

That was almost worse than when I tried to have a conversation with Teddy about Rorfin. I mean, how was I supposed to know that when she said he was crepuscular it meant he was active from dusk until dawn? Why can’t she just say nocturnal like a normal person?

“There are three types of people,” said Alick. “Awares, Akivas, and Nedras.

“An Aware is someone whose dreams are so realistic that they cannot tell the difference between them and actually living.”

“Like me?” I ventured.

“No, not exactly. Not yet anyway.”

Well that’s not vague at all.

“An Aware is aware in all aspects; they are fully conscious throughout all of their dreams. They also know about Aislin Jihan, so it becomes clear to them when they are dreaming.”

“Well if I’m not an Aware, then what am I?”

“Patience,” said Alick, still treating me like a three year old. “Next, is the Akivas. They are what most people are; naive. To them a dream is just a dream, nothing more. Merely a form of amusement when they sleep.

“You,” Alick looked pointedly at me. “are neither of these. You are a Nedra. Your dreams are real to you, but beyond that you are ignorant. Only when you have the understanding that your dreams are truly and physically there, can you know when you are in Aislin Jihan or not. Though I suppose you are now an Aware, since you know this.”

I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, taking in the sun, while I thought about what he had just said. Finally, after a few moments thought, I came to a conclusion; Absurd.

Obviously I was dreaming up a way to make me believe myself sane. One flaw in that little master plan; my coin.

Combined with the waves of heat pouring from the sun, it was blazing hot in my pocket.

“One more thing,” said Alick. I didn’t look up, or give any indication that I was paying the slightest attention, but he went on anyways.

“An Aware, knowing that Aislin Jihan is an actual, tangible place, has far greater risks. Because to an Akiva the dream world is no more real than Santa Clause, or any other fairy tale, they can not be affected by a dream in any manner other than emotionally.

“An Aware can get seriously injured--or even die--in the dream world.

“For a Nedra there is some protection, but they can still get hurt, though not to any serious degree.”

Ridiculous. I thought. I had been a Nedra all of my life and I had not once gotten hurt when asleep. Well, except for one time when I woke up with a bunch of black and blue bruises on the left shin after dreaming that a go-cart had rammed into me. But the doctors wrote this off as sleepwalking into my nightstand. Evidence to this was that a glass of water and my alarm clock had fallen over, and several pens and random hair clips and ties were scattered across my floor.

I opened my eyes, looked up at Alick’s serious face, and remembered something.

“You still didn’t answer my question of how you knew my name.”

Alick shot one last look at Durin, again fixed his suit cuff, and cleared his throat.

“We knew your name because we have been searching for you,” he said. “We need your help--all of Aislin Jihan needs your help--and because you’re the Greer Lareina, guardian of Wakanda, it is your duty to give it to us.”

“What kind of help?” I asked nervously.

“We need your help to capture a dream demon that is impossible to kill and extremely difficult to trap. It is capable of making a grown man break down, shouting about monsters that aren’t there, and begging to be killed to escape the terror his mind can’t forget. Basically, it gives you your own personal hell.”

To be continued....



Hey, what do you think? Any comments appreciated, as it is far from perfect. Thanks for reading. :D

:elephant: LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET
Last edited by ultraviolet on Wed May 05, 2010 4:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Lions Park was about a half-mile from my house. After buying all the items on the list (I was very amazed that they even had the books), I rode my bike to Lions Park. Hey, I love how you set this in St. Croix Falls. Because I have been there a million times it gives me a total layout of the land! Thanks


OK, I am going to tell you right now that I was usually a very focused person. I always turned my homework in on time and I never stared out the window during a test. I know lots of people have told you this; you just changed tenses. Not that it is wrong (this time), but I think it would sound better: I always turn my homework in on time and I never stare out the window during tests.


But You need a comma after this but :) it’s not like I was going to go looking for those two guys.


Somehow he still managed to sound like her was speaking to a three year old, just more in a Did you, or did you not eat the candy Tommy? Answer me! kind of way.
This is a great description I can hear it perfectly in my head :)



“You’re trying to tell me,” I said. “That there’s a person in my coin? I mean, no one’s that skinny .
hhmmm this character seems, well kind of stupid. First wouldn't she be a little more scared. Second "skinny?" I mean wouldn't she be a little more like there is no other world. Not just wouldn't a person be to big to fit into this coin.


I LOVED this. I only have one problem, why do you have to end at such good times!!
Anyway I can't wait to hear more. I hope my few comments helped even if I am no short story writer. :)
A. S.




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Heya!
You know the drill... :wink:

I assumed the park where they told me to meet them at was Lions Park. No way was I going to search the entire Interstate Park for those freaks. The Interstate Park rested on the northwestern border between Wisconsin and Minnesota. I lived on the Wisconsin half, in St. Croix Falls. St. Croix Falls was a small town, but it suited me just fine.

Lions Park was about a half-mile from my house. After buying all the items on the list (I was very amazed that they even had the books), I rode my bike to Lions Park. The word park is, like, imprinted in my mind! I'm not sure how you could do this, but maybe you could cut don on the amount of times you say 'park' at the beginning of this? This might just be me being a paranoid freak again though... :roll:

When I got there, I took a quick glance and saw a couple of kids on the play ground, and Teddy walking Rorfin. Still. I mean, seriously? How much exercise did one little hamster need? It’s not as if he didn’t run on his squeaky wheel all night. (Which I could hear through the paper-thin walls.) I know the feeling! :|

I surveyed the area more closely now. No sign of Alick and Durin, but I did happen to notice the sun shining through the trees, glistening the river that lay on the park’s edge. A slight breeze tickled my ear. Nice descriptions. :)

OK, I am going to tell you right now that I was usually a very focused person. I always turned my homework in on time and I never stared out the window during a test.

Oh, and I could fly.

But it’s not like I was going to go looking for those two guys. If they wanted their stuff, they could find me.

I strolled down to the side of the river. I stepped on one of the many huge rocks stationed at the shore. I hopped from rock to rock until I found one big enough and stable enough to sit on. I plopped down, crossed my legs, I don't really think you need this comma here. I'm not certain though... and closed my eyes, soaking in the sun.

“There you are,” said a deep voice behind me. I nearly screamed. I jerked my head up and standing there was tall, looming Alick, short, grumpy Durin, and… some musician.

For the time being I thought it best not to get too distracted. You can imagine how well that went. I liked this line!

I knew he was a musician because he was carrying a guitar case. He had sandy hair, Don't need this comma! and deep brown eyes. He looked maybe fourteen or fifteen. His dark blue t-shirt did little to hide the fact that he was… well… buff.

“Did you get everything?” asked Alick, jerking me back to the present.

I looked at him and Midget Man. They were still wearing their tuxes. Did they realize that not only did they stick way out on the warm spring day at the park, but black sucked in heat? It must have been, like, two hundred degrees in those suits.

If it was me, I would’ve passed out already.

“Yeah.” I took the Wal-Mart bag out of my backpack. “One thing first; why did you need me to get this stuff? Is there some kind of microchip hidden in one of these books or something?”

Paranoid as I sometimes was, I made sure I grabbed everything from the middle of the racks and shelves. Just in case.

“So you have no idea why you’re here?” Alick asked expectantly.

“Because two creeps gave me money to buy them random junk?” I guessed. Hey, I thought it was a pretty good guess. haha, it was. :wink:

Alick sighed. He turned to an I’m talking to a three year old voice. You should either put these in between brackets, or do this ~ an I'm-talking-to-a-three-year-old voice. It looks better. :) “Have you ever noticed anything special about your coin when you’re dreaming?”

“What’s it to you?” As I was saying this I could feel my coin warm in my pocket.

“If you know about something, Megan,--”

“Meg.”

“--then you really should tell us. Are you sure you can’t think of anything Megan?”

“First of all,” I said. “My name’s Meg. Not Megan.

“Second, I’m thirteen, not two. Talking like that is only annoying.

“Thirdly, why in the world should I tell you anything? I don’t know you or where you come from.”

I knew I shouldn’t have said that. I should’ve played along, because for some reason, they seemed to know about my coin warming up. They probably knew more about my dreams than I did. But I was stupid. I probably blew my chance to find out anything.

I realized my mistake as soon as I made it, so I tried to fix it. Somewhat.

“I mean, I don’t know your last names, or where you live, or what you want, or even how you know my name.” I thought for a short time. “Yeah, I think I’d like that one answered first if you don’t mind.”

Alick and Durin exchanged quick glances. Durin gave a slight nod and Alick turned his attention back to me.

“OK Megan, let’s cut to the chase. What symbol’s on your coin?” Somehow he still managed to sound like her was speaking to a three year old, just more in a did you, or did you not eat the candy Tommy? Answer me! kind of way.

“An owl.” I figured fighting them wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

“And you’re fully conscious when you’re dreaming? It’s so real to you that you can’t tell the difference?”

I nodded.

“But when you’re dreaming your coin warms up, right?”

“Yes, but I don’t see what this has to do with anything.”

“Anything?” asked Alick. “Not anything, everything.” He adjusted the cuffs on his jacket sleeve before continuing.

“First Megan,--”

“Meg.”
This is making me giggle now. :lol:

“--you must know that earth is not the only world. There is a place called Aislin Jihan. I like the name! Also known as the dream realm.

“A long time ago Aislin Jihan had a queen. Her name was Rhian My name! Woop woop! :elephant: Sorry, I got over excited there... Milica. Because she was the queen, she had powers no one else did. But one day a plot to overthrow her left her very weak. She used the last of her powers to absorb herself into a coin called Gerda. That would be your coin.” Wow, I'm a coin. :smt001

I took my coin out of my pocket and examined it.

“You’re trying to tell me,” I said. “that there’s a person in my coin? I mean, no one’s that skinny. Funny! (:

“Anyways, if my coin is magical and stuff, then how did I get it. If it’s so special, isn’t everybody going to want to get their hands on it?”

“Actually, Megan,--”

“Meg.” hee hee...

“--that’s the reason you do have it. Inside Gerda, Rhian Woop... Milica’s power are fully operational; just trapped. When necessary, she transports the coin, and herself, to a new Greer Lareina.”

“Would I sound stupid if I let out a big ‘Huh?’” Seriously, I wasn’t even sure I could pronounce that.

“A Greer Lareina is an Aware. A very special one.”

“You say that, like, I’m supposed to know what that is or something?

That was almost worse than when I tried to have a conversation with Teddy about Rorfin. I mean, how was I supposed to know that when she said he was crepuscular it meant he was active from dusk until dawn? Why can’t she just say nocturnal like a normal person?

“There are three types of people,” said Alick. “Awares, Akivas, and Nedras.

“An Aware is someone whose dreams are so realistic that they cannot tell the difference between them and actually living.”

“Like me?” I ventured.

“No, not exactly. Not yet anyway.”

Well that’s not vague at all. I like a bit of sarcasm! :wink:

“An Aware is aware in all aspects; they are fully conscious throughout all of their dreams. They also know about Aislin Jihan, so it becomes clear to them when they are dreaming.”

“Well if I’m not an Aware, then what am I?”

“Patience,” said Alick, still treating me like a three year old. “Next, is the Akivas. They are what most people are; naive. To them a dream is just a dream, nothing more. Merely a form of amusement when they sleep.

“You,” Alick looked pointedly at me. “are neither of these. You are a Nedra. Your dreams are real to you, but beyond that you are ignorant. Only when you have the understanding that your dreams are truly and physically there, can you know when you are in Aislin Jihan or not. Though I suppose you are now an Aware, since you know this.”

I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, taking in the sun, while I thought about what he had just said. Finally, after a few moments thought, I came to a conclusion; Absurd.

Obviously I was dreaming up a way to make me believe myself sane. One flaw in that little master plan; my coin.

Combined with the waves of heat pouring from the sun, it was blazing hot in my pocket.

“One more thing,” said Alick. I didn’t look up, or give any indication that I was paying the slightest attention, but he went on anyways.

“An Aware, knowing that Aislin Jihan is an actual, tangible place, has far greater risks. Because to an Akiva the dream world is no more real than Santa Clause, or any other fairy tale, they can not be affected by a dream in any manner other than emotionally.

“An Aware can get seriously injured--or even die--in the dream world.

“For a Nedra there is some protection, but they can still get hurt, though not to any serious degree.”

Ridiculous. I thought. I had been a Nedra all of my life and I had not once gotten hurt when asleep. Well, except for one time when I woke up with a bunch of black and blue bruises on the left shin after dreaming that a go-cart had rammed into me. But the doctors wrote this off as sleepwalking into my nightstand. Evidence to this was that a glass of water and my alarm clock had fallen over, and several pens and random hair clips and ties were scattered across my floor.

I opened my eyes, looked up at Alick’s serious face, and remembered something.

“You still didn’t answer my question of how you knew my name.”

Alick shot one last look at Durin, again fixed his suit cuff, and cleared his throat.

“We knew your name because we have been searching for you,” he said. “We need your help--all of Aislin Jihan needs your help--and because you’re the Greer Lareina, guardian of Wakanda, it is your duty to give it to us.”

“What kind of help?” I asked nervously.

----- You have an unnecessary space here. We need your help to capture a dream demon that is impossible to kill, extremely difficult to trap, and capable of making a grown man break down, shouting about monsters that aren’t there, and begging to be killed to escape the terror his mind can’t forget. Really long sentence here! Try shortening it. Basically, it gives you your own personal hell.


Overall

I once again really liked this! Although, I think I might have just preferred the previous part. I still loved this though! Your grammar was good and I found no problem with swapping tenses here! Well done! Wow... I'm using loads of exclamation marks... :roll: Ah well, they're cool. Your characters are still very amusing, especially your MC. Your spelling was perfect and I'm still loving the idea itself!

My main problem at the moment is the 'short story' concept of this. At the moment, you're on part three and there's going to be a next part, considering you wrote to be continued. Also, by the sound of it, a lot of things are going to happen. You mentioned in the piece about your MC having to fight demons and stuff like that. My concern is that this could end up being more of a short novel than a short story! Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, I mean, I really love this. What I'm basically trying to say is that if you're planning on keeping this as a short story, make sure you don't go overboard on the 'parts'. Otherwise, they'll turn into chapters! :wink:

My only real nit-pick is a very small one. At times, your sentences can be a bit too long and you aren't completely sure where to put commas. I think I might have mentioned this in the last reviews, actually. Although, I can't say much; I'm terrible with commas! When it comes to reviewing other people's work, I can spot comma errors fine. I have issues with reviewing my own work, obviously. Altogether though, your grammar is very good! Most of the time, you put periods where they should be and you also use semi colons very well. Quite a few people get a bit confused with semi colons, so well done!

That's all I really have to critique about this. There is one thing I'd like to mention though, thinking abut it. When Meg met Alick and Durin in the park, you mentioned a musician. After that, he wasn't mentioned and he didn't say anything. It was a bit weird really. Why was he there? It's fine if you don't want to reveal that in this chapter, but surely, Meg would have asked Alick who the random bloke was? Or you could have just mentioned how the musician looked rather bored while your MC was talking to Alick and Durin, or something? Just make the presence of the musician a bit clearer! :wink:

My favourite thing about this so far is definitely your characters and their names! Teddy, Durin, Alick... they're all original and unique. I especially love the name of the Queen, for reasons I've already mentioned. :smt003 Each one of your characters have their own, unique personalities and they're not bring ones either. Your MC is still very entertaining to read about, and I like the random bits of humour you add into your story here and there. I also like Alick's character, he reminds me of one of my school teachers. He talks to sixteen year olds like they're six years old... not sixteen. Because of this, Alick's character makes me laugh even more than I normally would.

I don't really have much else to say! Once again, I really liked this. Just consider what I have suggested and maybe edit this a bit. All you need to do is edit the grammar a teeny-tiny bit, include the musician a bit more, make sure that this doesn't turn into a short novel. If you do that, this short story could be even better than it already is!

Good luck and keep writing!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hi!

Skins, a few things:

First, I fixed the grammar errors you pointed out.

Second, the musician comes in later. I didn't find it totally relevant to point him out now, since it wouldn't really further the story too much, and Meg's more or less forgotten about him for the time being. I guess I could change this, but I wasn't really planning to.

Third, this was originally going to be shorter. But like I said in part 1, I am not capable of writing a short story once I get involved with the characters. I know there are going to be a bunch more parts, and so do you think I should move it to the novels/novellas section?

And do you know how to do that? I am relatively new to this site; I joined a few weeks ago.

Thanks for the reviews! :)

P.S. thanks for the compliments about the names. I spent A LOT of time on them. :)
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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I'm glad I somewhat helped!

As for the musician thing, it was more of a suggestion really. I just found it kind of weird how the Meg said he was so buff, then forgot about him.
Meg's more or less forgotten about him for the time being.

What you could do is maybe say this near the end! About how she'd completely forgotten he was there, just to clear it up! It's not too important though, mention him in the next part if you want!

As for the novel/novellas section, you can move it. Although, you can't do it yourself and neither can I. You have to PM or somehow contact a mod and ask them (nicely) if they're willing to move your story into a new section. If this gets to over five parts, I think you should consider doing this. :wink:

And yeah, your names are so cool!
Plus, Megan is my middle name... so that's creepy. You've got my first and middle name in this, all you need now is my surname! :lol:

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Don't worry, he's a biggish part in the next part. I think I'm gonna ask them to move it to novels section.

Oh, and if you tell me your surname I'll put it in. :) jk Wouldn't want any stalkers now, would we? :shock:

:elephant: LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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I don't know what to say about this more than I've already said. Just...keep writing more and PM me when you have more.:D
Please follow me on all my writing quests by clicking "Follow" on my Profile. Thanks!

Popularity Wars Chapter Three is now here:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post735878.html#p735878

Please review!! Love ya!




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Hey, I have part 4 out, if you're interested. :smt003

:elephant: LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



The world is your oyster. Well, it’s my oyster, but you can have some of it.
— Feltrix