State of Affairs (AKA Hope trys poetry)

So yeah. Hope + too much punk music= punk song/poem thing.

Have at it people! Tear it to shreds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Millions are dead,
their masks painted with lead.
Poison in the water, death in the air
slowly they kill us,
and we don’t even care.

Prostitution.
Institutions.
The crazy and the sane,
friendly fire, false flags,
who is to blame?

They got no kind of strategy
and it’s the world’s worse tragedy.
No child left behind.
But we turn our backs,
pretend to be blind

They’re all the same,
It’s never change,
They talk
They lie
They kill
We die.

And don’t think it’s done,
and the war has been won,
it’s nothing different,
it’s exactly the same,
with liberty and justice for none.

Traumatized.
Hypnotized.
Just the way they want us to be.
We live in a world of fear and evil
And no one is really free.

So smile for the camera,
show your fear.
Listen to the lies,
but don’t really hear.

They’re all the same,
it’s never change,
they talk,
they lie,
they kill,
We die.

Don’t think it’s done,
The battle’s been won,
it’s nothing different,
it’s exactly the same
With liberty and justice for none.

Hi BondGirl,

I really like "So smile for the camera."

I don't think the rhyme does anything for you here so I'd scrap it.

It felt a little preachy to me (Green Dayesque?). I'd steer away from the direct commentary and instead try to suggest what you're saying through imagery. It also might be interesting to write from the other side of this and then go back and do this one again and see if it gives you any new ideas.

The best thing you can do is read poetry.

Hope this helps.
Jas

Hey BondGirl!
Here to review. Don't take my critique too seriously, I'm not very good at reviewing poetry.

Millions are dead,
their masks painted with lead.
Poison in the water, death in the air
slowly they kill us,
and we don’t even care.

I liked this as an opening verse, some good imagery here!

But we turn our backs,
pretend to be blind

These last two lines seemed to bother me for some reason. It might just be me, but it sounds a bit on the cliché side. Turing backs, pretending to be blind? That might just be me though!

They talk
They lie
They kill
We die.

I really like the repetition here!

So smile for the camera,
show your fear.

I like these lines!

Overall

I may not be an expert on poetry, but I definitely liked this piece! What I liked the most was the imagery in the first verse. I'd like to see more of that. You kind of explained what was happening but you didn't create an awful lot of pictures in my head. Imagery is a very important thing, even when it comes to poetry and lyrics. Like I said, your first verse was great! There was plenty of imagery and it was very effective, in my opinion anyway.

Also, you did a lot of saying about how blind, deaf, ignorant e.t.c we were, but you didn't really explain to us how we we were being blind, deaf and ignorant! I wasn't sure what the piece was actually about. Without knowing what the title was, I would have been pretty much confused! This kind of comes under imagery; you need to describe things a bit more clearly. Think of it as a story, you need to tell us a story in a poem format. You don't necessarily have to do this, but it does help the reader understand the piece a lot better! Maybe you could keep that in mind?

My only other slight issue is the fact that this piece seems a bit cliché to me. It does at times, anyway. It's the whole, 'you need to wake up and realise what you're doing', thing. To be honest, I don't really mind cliché writing. As long as the writer can pull it off by either making the piece original or simply writing it very well. Luckily, you have actually written it well! You just need to clear some parts up a bit.

Negatives aside, I really like your writing style. Although the concept of this was a bit on the confusing side, the words you actually used were very good. I liked the way you phrased things and what you were actually saying. I especially liked your repetition in the chorus, I assumed it was the chorus, anyway! Lots of writers fall into the trap of annoying repetition, but you haven't. I congratulate you for that! I myself sometimes have issues when it comes to repetition; that's why I've given up on poetry full stop.

Overall, I definitely did like this. With a bit of polishing up, I could end up loving it! Sorry if my review hasn't been very helpful. Like I said before, lyrics and poetry aren't my forte.

Keep writing and good luck! If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread.

xoxo Skins

Hi, this WritingWords with the review you requested!
First of all, I really liked the rhyme scheme. It has a definite beat to it.
Second, I like the sarcastic sort of voice in the poem. The "Liberty for none" part. It's sort of humorous in a way.
Third, I thought some lines were awkward.

So smile for the camera,
show your fear.

I mean, how could you smile and show your fear? It just contradicts each other and doesn't make sense to me. And this stanza:

They got no kind of strategy
and it’s the world’s worse tragedy.
No child left behind.
But we turn our backs,
pretend to be blind

What is the main idea of this? You talk about tragedies and then suddenly say no child left behind. Isn't that just too random? And what does pretending to be blind have anything to do with no child left behind?
Overall, I really liked the idea of this poem. Just one question: Are you mocking America or something?

Hi Hope!

Sorry that this critique is so late! Anyway, I'm not quite sure what to think of this. It seems like more of a song to me, so I'm guessing that this should probably be in lyrics? Especially because you have the chorus and all, which isn't something you see too often in poetry.

Anyway, the whole rhyme part of this was inconsistent. I see the pattern you're trying to create, but here are a few times it was disrupted:

Prostitution.
Institutions.
The crazy and the sane,
friendly fire, false flags,
who is to blame

Since the third and fifth line are supposed to rhyme, this is wrong. You've got an 'n' sound and an 'm' sound-they're two different things.

And don’t think it’s done,
and the war has been won,
it’s nothing different,
it’s exactly the same,
with liberty and justice for none.

Different and none don't sound like each other in the slightest. I'm confused now; do you want to rhyme or not? Your first second lines always rhyme, but sometimes your third and fifth lines do, sometimes they don't. Stick with one thing.

As for everything else, Skins had some really fantastic comments. When you revise this, just remember that poems and songs have to tell stories too and watch out for things like cliches. They're just different ways of telling stories-and all storytelling shares common guidelines. Hope this helps! PM me or find me in chat if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo