The business

Finns phone always seems to ring louder than usual hen it rang at an incontinent time. She was finally getting into a rhythm with her editing, noticing more errors more clearly that she had before. It took her at least twenty minutes to get into this stage, now she needed to start from scratch.
“Hello” she grumbled.
“Are you home now?” She was answering on her land line.
“Is this a trick question?
“Uh, no, sorry it’s Daniel”
Oh no. Daniel. Or Desperate Daniel as she called him when she was at her grumpiest. The writer who, since they had met three months earlier had pestered her nonstop to put in a good word for him at the publishing house she worked at.
“I really think I have hit a good vain in my work lately” Daniel said enthusiastic as usual.
“Good, send it to your agent and see where it goes from their”
“Yes I will, it’s just I think it would really help if you put in a good word with...”
“We have been here before Daniel” Finn said letting the irritation show in her voice.
“Yes but I just think”
“Daniel, please”
“Why won’t you” Daniel snapped.
Finn was not used to his harsh tone and it took her a moment to regain herself.
“Listen, Daniel I see writers like you 20 times a day. There young, ambitious and experimental. They have prospect but common faults weigh them down”
“What faults?” Daniel inquired
“Clunky dialogue, flabby adverbs, overused adjectives, cliches”
“But I can fix that” he cried
‘I can change that” his desperation was growing in his voice
“Daniel I’m not saying you’re never going to be a professional writer your good bur you’re not great. So get in line and do it how everyone one else has to.”
Finn could picture him in his cramped apartment, living off two minute noodles, wishing desperately for a break. With a brief okay he hanged up the phone. She knew she had hurt him; she may have even crushed him. This could even have put him off writing for life depending on how thick his skin was. When she had first started rejecting people it had been a hard thing. But now it hardly hurt at all. Maybe she was growing cold? Maybe her sensitively was wearing away just so she could cope with hurting people? No, she thought. Daniel needed to here that, he was going to find out eventually. With this thought settled in her mind, she went back to her drawing red lines over other peoples work.

It was ok most of the spelling was right but I noteced a typo on the word But. it happens I just makeing sure you noticed.

Hi!

So, I read this story two times through, and the first thing I could think of was, "this needs to be proofread!" You've got all kinds of silly grammar mistakes sprinkled throughout this, and it gets really, really detracting. It's funny that this piece is about the elements of a bad story when grammar is definitely in the top five. If you aren't sure about how to properly punctuate things, the Grammar and Research section of the Knowledge Base can be incredibly helpful.

On top of that, the story itself was somewhat a downer. It's discouraging for writers because this makes it seem to be as though agents are mean pricks who don't care about writers. Whenever we read fiction about writing, we want to look for something uplifting; maybe a success story or the struggles writers have to work through. I don't know what your intentions were, but Daniel doesn't seem to work through any of that. He's just rejected by the agent and that's it. So? Why should we care? The agent may feel remorse at the end, but what's done about that? If she really felt bad, she could try to call Daniel back and promise him that he just needs to improve. Right now it's just a rejection and that's that.

Focus on adding more this story and really incorporating a true, uplifting theme to this that writers can look back on and relate to. Add more to the characters so the agent doesn't seem so heartless. Let us sympathize with Daniel more so we really understand the hardships he's going through. Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Hey VeraWinters!
Here to review.

I'm surprised to see that no one has nit-picked you. Oh well, I guess that's my job in this case. So yeah, onto the nit-picks.

Finns phone always seemed Keep it in the past tense if you're writing in the past tense! to ring louder than usual when it rang at an incontinent time. She was finally getting into a rhythm with her editing, noticing more errors more clearly than she had before. It took her at least twenty minutes to get into this stage, now she needed to start from scratch.

“Hello” she grumbled.

“Are you home now?” She was answering on her land line.

“Is this a trick question?

“Uh, no, sorry it’s Daniel.”

Oh no. Daniel. Or 'Desperate Daniel' as she called him when she was at her grumpiest. The writer who, since they had met three months earlier had pestered her nonstop to put in a good word for him at the publishing house she worked at.

“I really think I have hit a good vain in my work lately,” Daniel said, enthusiastic as usual.

“Good, send it to your agent and see where it goes from there.” You used the wrong version of there then. You used their (Their bag, their dog, their car.)

“Yes I will, it’s just I think it would really help if you put in a good word with...”

“We have been here before Daniel,” Finn said, letting the irritation show in her voice.

“Yes, but I just think-”

“Daniel, please.”

“Why won’t you?” Daniel snapped. You're having some problems with dialogue punctuation, aren't you?

Finn was not used to his harsh tone and it took her a moment to regain herself.

“Listen, Daniel I see writers like you 20 times a day. They're Wrong version of there again! You used there (Put it by there, don't go there, is it over there?) young, ambitious and experimental. They have prospect but common faults weigh them down.”

“What faults? Well done, you remembered the dialogue punctuation.” Daniel inquired

“Clunky dialogue, flabby adverbs, overused adjectives, cliches.”

“But I can fix that!” he cried

‘I can change that' his desperation was growing in his voice

“Daniel, I’m not saying you’re never going to be a professional writer; you're good but you’re not great. So get in line and do it how everyone one else has to. Once again, punctuation. Good. ”

Finn could picture him in his cramped apartment, living off two minute noodles, wishing desperately for a break. With a brief okay, he hanged up the phone. A new paragraph would be good here ------ She knew she had hurt him; she may have even crushed him. This could even have put him off writing for life depending on how thick his skin was. When she had first started rejecting people it had been a hard thing. But now it hardly hurt at all. Maybe she was growing cold? Maybe her sensitivity was wearing away just so she could cope with hurting people? No, she thought. Daniel needed to hear that, he was going to find out eventually. With this thought settled in her mind, she went back to her drawing red lines over other peoples work.

Overall

I have to be perfectly honest, I wasn't amazed by this. Don't get downhearted though! I definitely think that you have potential, we just need to squeeze it out of you. Although I wasn't to keen on this piece as a whole, I did rather like the idea. It was pretty original and it could be a very good story. Also, the last paragraph of this was rather entertaining, so well done for that!

My main nit-pick is your use of certain words, actually. I noticed you using the wrong words in the wrong places. There's probably a name for these certain words, but I'm too dull to know what they are. What I mean is that you use words like they're, their, here, hear, your, you're, there and their in the wrong places quite often. I'm not too sure what advice I can give you on them though, to be honest; I've never really struggled with them. You just have to remember when each one should be used, I suppose.

They're is They are. Meaning = More than one person is something or is doing something. (They're going outside, they're all short, they're going to cry, they're ginger.)

Their. Meaning = Something that more than one person owns or does. (It's their dog, their monkey, their apple, don't damage their pride.)

Here. Meaning = A way of describing where something is. (The chair is over here, It's ten o clock here, do you want to come here?)

Hear. Meaning = The kind that involves your ear. (I can't hear you, my ears are aching and I'm struggling to hear you properly.)

You're is You are. Meaning = Someone is something or is doing something. (You're lying to me, you're looking at me weird, you're very happy today.)

Your. Meaning = Something that someone owns or does. (Your hair looks nice to day, your bag looks awfully heavy, your feelings aren't hurt.)

I'm not sure if that's just helped you at all, but I hope that it's made you understand a bit better! Sorry if that wasn't any help.

My other main nit-pick is the grammar itself, especially dialogue grammar. You don't seem to include periods, commas, exclamation marks, question marks or any other grammar marks at the end of your dialogue! Remember, there is always a grammar mark at the end of dialogue, even if the sentence carries on in the same line. As well as dialogue grammar, you're also not to confident when it comes to putting commas in the right places. All that you need to do is include the odd comma here and there. That way, your sentences will be a lot easier to read and they will definitely flow a lot better too! The flow of your writing is actually very important, believe it or not. Readers want to feel comfortable reading your work, after all.

As for the story itself, not much happened. There wasn't really any climax and the characters weren't that unique. They seemed to just be people without personalities. Your MC, the girl I assumed, had quite an interesting character though. Especially at the end of your piece, her character showed up a bit there. Come to think of it, it's not really that your characters don't have personalities, it's just that you need to show them off a bit more. Make your characters more interesting, describe what they look like to begin with. Are they short, fat, tall, skinny? You tell me. To be honest, every story needs a clear beginning, clear happening, clear climax and a clear ending. This story lacked that a bit.

You also aren't really one for describing, are you? Like I just said, I have no idea what the characters look like. It isn't completely necessary, I suppose, but I always like to have some idea about the image of the people I'm reading about. Describing what characters look like also makes the reader feel more connected to them. As well as character description, you don't really use any other kind of description. For example, what did the MC's office/room look like? Did she have a coffee stain on her desk? Was there a musky smell in the room? Could she hear birds outside her window? Little details like that are what really makes a story! Without them, your story can simply become bland. You don't want a boring, bland story now, do you?

Critique's aside, I definitely think that you have potential. In fact, I really think that you could be great! You vary your vocabulary by not always sticking to the same boring words in every sentence you write. Also, like I said earlier, I did like the idea of this story. It's quite a unique, quirky idea and I disagree with Elinor; this isn't discouraging writers and making agents seem like mean pricks! This is fiction, after all. Although I do agree with her when she said that your story doesn't really make us feel anything with Daniel. Although, that comes under the character personality thing again.

I did quite like your ending, as well. It helped me get to know the MC a bit better; you portrayed her personality slightly. You need to do more of that, to be honest. A lot of this piece is dialogue. You need to stop sometimes and include some descriptions and some happenings in between the speaking. That was why I liked the last paragraph. You described the Mc's actions and you used descriptions as a whole. You also included some rhetorical questions, which was a nice touch. I especially like the last line about writing over people's work in red. You should do more of that! (Not writing over people's work... I mean, sentences like that!)

Overall, like I've said before, you definitely have potential. What you really need to do is practice, practice and practice some more. I know that you have it in you, you just need to bring it out. Good luck with this!

If you have any questions, just send me a Private Message. If you want another review from me, just ask me in my Will Review For Food thread (It's in my signature)!

Keep writing and good luck!

xoxo Skins


P.S Sorry this has been a bit long... I seem to be getting carried away with my reviews nowadays.