R.I.P. Pretty green leaf

* This is written in memory of a leaf that I had to murder viciously by plunging it in boiling ethanol or water, I'm not sure anymore, for the sake of science. *

In the depths of the ocean,
No in your eyes,
I see the world,
In a different light.
It's not dark,
the sun shines,
there's no trouble,
no worries, no life.

*And okay, my friend who read it was quick to point out that leaves don't have eyes. But what does she know?*

Lol.

Haha, this makes me laugh, without the little bit in the beginning I would never have know this was writing about a leaf! It sound like you're writing about a guy you're in love with, which makes me love this poem even more. I don't really see what it has to do with a leaf, but I love it anyway. It's just so random.

Hi,

I think this is a really fresh topic and this flows nicely.

I'd get rid of clichéd lines like "in the depths of the ocean", "in a different light" etc, and add a comma after "No".

This is such an unusual topic that I think it would be much more effective if you write about what you actually saw rather than being abstract. What did the leaf look like when it was being boiled? What did it sound like? What visuals, what sounds, made you sympathetic, and how can you convey your sympathy without stating it directly. Try to make the reader feel horror and pity at the fate of the leaf.

The best thing you can do to improve your poetry is read poetry.

Hope this helps and do pm me if you have any questions.

Jas

Considering that you just viciously killed a leaf in the name of science, why not talk about it in scientific terms? No, it doesn't have eyes... but it does have a structure primarily made out of cellulosic fibers weaving in and out the leaf. So I don't know! Look up some of the scientific terminology involving leaves. I think you'll find it prettier than you think it is.

I enjoy poems with a good dose of science, so it's nice to see the odd scientific poem crop up in these forums. But when you put that disclaimer at the start, saying that you boiled a leaf in water/ethanol etc, I thought that was what the poem was going to be about. I was disappointed.

I had been looking forward to the K.I.S.S. idea in science - kill (by boiling), intoxicate (ethanol), soften (warm water bath), stain (with iodine to test for starch, maybe?).

Actually, had I just read the poem by itself, I would have said I had absolutely no clue what it was about. The idea or focus needs to be clearer, and instead of being all vague in an effort to be poetic, I think you need to be more precise, to be beautifully and creatively precise with the details - paint a picture, so to speak; or give us a story, possibly a bit more of a drawn out story about what exactly happened, with who, using what. Currently, I get no thought nor feeling from this, and even the image is so hazy that I am left confused.

So...some more juicy details, please!

haha, this made me giggle! I''m cool, k?

This isn't a proper review, sorry. I just read this and it made me feel warm inside so I thought I'd let you know. Like others have said, it doesn't sound like you're talking about a leaf at all, which actually made me laugh even more.

If you want this to be a more serious poem, just do what the other reviewers have said. I like it the way it is, personally. It's not very serious and it's very light. So yeah... I love it! Poor, poor leaf though...

Love it

xoxo Skins

Haha, no it's not meant to be serious, it's meant to be light and maybe even slightly humorous, but definately not serious. Of course the 'humorous' affect is only achieved by the fact that this poem was really inspired by the vicious death of a leaf. Thanks you guys, but I think I'll leave it the way it is for now, just because it was written within 5 seconds of completing an experiment before I had to do my lab report and it means a lot to me and brings back a lot of memories xD. However, if I choose to make it public, I'll make sure I actually use some of the very useful tips here. Thanks everyone! And thanks to those who actually liked it =)

Hello I'm Hydey.
This was pretty funny! Very random and kinda weird, but funny.

I liked it!