Please. Not Another One.

Hope you like this as much as my friends do.
***************************************************
I don't know who you are anymore...
Could you be my friend?
Or possibly an acquantance?
A boyfriend?
You touch me,
hug me,
hold me,
but
I don't know what you are to me.
I want to be friends.
I really do.
I don't want to be anything more; I can't trust you.
I never believed you when you told me you changed,
you never did.
So quit lieing to me-
quit lieing to yourself.
The questions I've been dieing to ask you:
How is it that you believe someone can chage
in such a quick amount of time?
How was it that you tried to prove this to me?
Because you for sure didn't do a good job...
Now listen.
You are very close to me,
very important to me,
So I wanna give you some advice:
Don't ever do that to anyone else,
because although you broke my heart,
I don't want you to break one of my
sisters either.

Hi,

This flows nicely and you have a good sense of rhythm.

I'd run a spell check to catch little slips like "dieing" which should be "dying".

I think that this reads more like a letter than a poem, so I'd try to bring in more imagery and suggest things rather than say them directly, for example "I don't know what you are to me". How could you show that through an image rather than say it? How does this person act around the speaker?

What I'd suggest is to get a pen and cross out anything that sounds like something you've read before, and replace it with something more specific.

I think the last two lines work nicely.

The best thing you can do is read poetry. One of my favourite anthologies is a collection of sonnets called "No Bliss Like This."

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hey Creative Freak!

I agree with Jas - check out some poetry to get an idea of how it's different from just a string of phrases and emotions. Even if it doesn't rhyme, there has to be some sense of structure to pull everything together. This just read like a letter, with lots of thoughts and feelings and questions tossed together. The ideas you're using could be much more powerful if they were presented better.

Also double check your spelling. "Chage" should be "change," and "dieing" and "lieing" need to be "dying" and "lying." Mistakes like that won't do anything for your credibility, so try to eliminate them wherever possible.

Good luck!

Hi!

So, I agree with everything that Jas and Ari have said so far, but I just wanted to expand on that comment. Poetry has certain, complex, three dimensional quality. You can't put just a whole bunch of phrases and questions together and expect to call it a poem. It has to have to have a rhythm and a deeper message to it. When you revise this, just think of that. What do you want us to know, to walk away with, when we're finished with your poem?

PM me if you have questions!

-Elinor xo