Silent Fury

School again.

No one talks, but someone always listens.

They listen to the wrong things, always.

Even though suicide may be an option, not for me.

This love, this hate, these haters, dumb games.

Spaced out from the world, even though I have many friends.

It's better, other than home.

The world wide web is where this truly starts.

Oh wonderful, here is another.

Judge me for my skin color, not on the words I say.

Hating is not a passion I love, but it is what others love.

In a banishing world, where not all words can be spoken, only death is what makes them think.

If I cannot make them think by walking away, is force my last option ?

Never death, because I will never be moved.

No words, or action can make me see it their way.

My anger is controllable, but for how long can my silent fury be quiet ?

Hi! I'm here to review.

Well, I do like the idea you have behind this, but I think your poem lacks conviction. Not a very big deal, but it takes what may have been an otherwise good poem and turns it into one that is a little dull and preachy. We don't want that. So my suggestion would be to first:

Switch up the vocabulary. Utilize the thesaurus, and find the synonyms of your adjectives that really convey the emotions you are trying to get across. For example, instead of an overused word like "sadness," use one that means the same thing, but is ultimately more awesome, like, "sorrow." That would definitely help others feel what you are feeling, and just make your poem more intelligent and, well...poetic!

Second: Once you've done that, arrange your lines into stanzas. Right now, you have them all neatly spaced out, which is good, but not as good as having them arranged in groups, each of which tells a slightly different story. You want your message to be as clear as it is powerful, and stanzas really help you do both. For example:

Instead of having my poem like this:

Oh, woe is me, woe is me!
Me monkey will not climb the tree!
I scream, I bite, I count to three,
But still he won't climb up the tree!
Woe is me, woe is me!
I try so hard to please my pet;
He trades my gifts for a better set!
I ponder in thought for an hour or two,
I scream in glee...I know what to do!

I would arrange it like this:

Oh, woe is me, woe is me!
Me monkey will not climb the tree!
I scream, I bite, I count to three,
But still he won't climb up the tree!
Woe is me, woe is me!

I try so hard to please my pet;
He trades my gifts for a better set!
I ponder in thought for an hour or two,
I scream in glee...I know what to do!

See the difference? It helps, doesn't it? That's what I think you should do with your poem. Find the parts that go together, arrange them that way, and separate them from the rest once you notice that there is a change in speech. You may still be talking about your monkey, but you're describing something else besides the first stanza. Is that understandable? I sure hope so.

And that's it! I hope you found this helpful. PM me if you have any questions.

-Knightley

Hey Kitrosemon! Welcome to YWS!

In this poem, you have a bunch of thoughts together that are interesting! In fact, they are so interesting that you can probably split up this poem into smaller pieces. For instance!

Judge me for my skin color, not on the words I say.
Hating is not a passion I love, but it is what others love.
In a banishing world, where not all words can be spoken, only death is what makes them think.
If I cannot make them think by walking away, is force my last option ?

All of these lines can actually be made into its own poem!

So I would definitely take one or more of these interesting thoughts and develop it into its own special poem. It's good enough for that.