Someday

Hi!

So, I really liked this poem and the moral it presents. You've got a nice subtly in your poetry; you enforce the moral so it's clear enough for us to understand yet you don't outright preach it to us, and I like that. I think your imagery is lovely, as well. I just had one tiny comment!

"Tick Tick Tick Tick"

Clocks go, "Tick Tock, Tick Tock." If you think it's an urban legend, go somewhere in your house with an analog clock and just listen. You'll hear it.

PM me if you ever post anything new, or if you have any questions, okay? I'm sorry that this review was short.

-Elinor xo

Firstly, I LOVE it when people write a good opening line. Your opening line was immediately interesting and sweet all at once - it made me curious, but it also gave me an indication of the metaphor you'd be exploring throughout the poem.

The clock is talking to me,
Printing words in my mind,
Planting thoughts in my heart,
But never does it show me to you.

Like I said - first line was a WIN. The second was so-so, and the third and fourth just got a little too soppy for my liking. 'Thoughts in my heart' just does not work - your heart doesn't think; and if you want to try and use your heart as a metaphor for your mind, I can assure you that it's such a weird concept that it's not going to work. 'Never does it show me to you' - I don't exactly get what you mean by this; and if there are some hidden meanings, I'd like a lot less suggestion of romance and a bit more of the quiet sense of innocence and control we saw in the opening line.

Tick Tick Tick Tick

Unlike Elinor (sorry), I'm going to have to say that I actually liked this. 'Tick tock' IS the way a clock sounds, but when you wrote 'tick, tick, tick, tick' in succession like that, I think it worked - the words are meant to be said quickly and in staccato, so the overall effect was that it sounded much cuter, and much more hurried too. Makes it seem like the time is passing faster.

Although I thought the effect of this was really vivid, I wonder if it ties in well with your theme, of waiting for someone. If you are waiting, time should seem to drag on, shouldn't it? And so, the quick pace of the way we read 'Tick Tick Tick Tick' doesn't really match up with what we'd expect to happen when we're waiting.

It's ringing in my ears,
It's feeding on my pain,
On my seclusion and devastation.

This stanza was unneeded. We KNOW it's ringing in your ears - you've already said 'Tick Tick Tick Tick'. And the 'feeding on my pain...etc' bit was just bland. I didn't like it - it was too direct, too literal - you were diving down too deep into the bare emotion. The poem works much more strongly when it is delivered in a light tone - and this is because we, as the audience, know what it feels like to wait for someone anyway - you really don't need to spell it out for us. Plus, I've found words are too intellectual to do justice to our emotions, so if you try to summarise the emotion in one word, it doesn't work as well since that tends to intellectualise it too much. If, instead, you give us an IMAGE that conveys the same thing in a more roundabout manner, it has more of an effect, since it's something we can relate to.

And the last stanza I was not a big fan of, either. You started off so sweet and innocent, and then just got too dramatic too fast - 'But you don't mind, do you?' - and this lost the effect from before.

Keep writing sweet poetry, and I'll keep reading!