To tickle your fancy

The day had started out cool with a cloudy sky. Things had gotten difficult after noon and there was simply no easy way to explain it. Maroon 12 had a shy nature keeping her face hidden behind her brownish red hair and sky blue eyes. Gem was her exact opposite with an active nature always wanting others to notice her golden blond hair and jade green eyes.

Even though opposites they were still tight as thieves or soon would be. It was gems birthday and maroon had come to her house to give her a present and brownies which she knew were her best friends favorite. As they enjoyed the brownies in the kitchen they discussed what they would do for the day. They had come to the conclusion of the park it had plenty to keep them occupied there.

"Thief come back you will not escape!" gem called. Maroon though shy giggled as she climbed the monkey bars. "So you think this is funny thief, I'll make you think again!" The sky rumbled in thunder and the wind hollowed through the trees. Both girls looked up at the sky. They could both sensed that something was about to happen. Maroon looked at gem and gem looked back. "I think it's time to head back to your place gem!" maroon called. Gem shook her head in agreement.

They both scrambled to get back quickly. As they ran maroons foot caught on a branch causing her to fall on her face. "Ow!" Maroon cried. The wind whipped at their hair and twigs snapped. "We have to hurry!" gem yelled. A hooded figure appeared from behind the trees.
It stood nearly 6'2" with eyes as dark as the midnight sky.

Both girls could only look in awe at the stranger before them.

"You must come with me." he said. "We are going home!" maroon yelled. The wind was making it impossible to make communication. "I can get you there faster, please trust me!" he said. Both girls looked at each other uncertain the choice to make.

Gem nodded once at maroon. They stood and each placed a hand in one of his. "Close your eyes" he said. They both did as they were told. There was a feeling of weightlessness and then everything went still.

They opened their eyes and they knew they were no longer home.

Notes etc., in red. ^^

The day had started out cool with a cloudy sky. Things had gotten difficult after noon and there was simply no easy way to explain it. Maroon 12 (numbers should be written out) had a shy nature keeping her face hidden behind her brownish red hair and sky blue eyes. Gem was her exact opposite with an active nature always wanting others to notice her golden blond hair and jade green eyes.

Even though opposites they were still tight as thieves or soon would be. (I would probably change this. Either "Though opposites, they were still[..]" Or "Even they were opposites, [...] It was Gem's birthday and Maroon had come to her house to give her a present and brownies, which she knew were her best friend's favorite. As they enjoyed the brownies in the kitchen, they discussed what they would do for the day. They had come to the conclusion of the park it had plenty to keep them occupied there. This is a lot of telling. Maybe write out their conversation?

"Thief come back you will not escape!" Gem called. Maroon, though shy, giggled as she climbed the monkey bars. "So you think this is funny thief, I'll make you think again!" The sky rumbled in thunder and the wind hollowed through the trees. Both girls looked up at the sky. They could both sensed that something was about to happen. Maroon looked at Gem and Gem looked back. "I think it's time to head back to your place Gem!" Maroon called. Gem shook her head in agreement.

They both scrambled to get back quickly. As they ran Maroon's foot caught on a branch causing her to fall on her face. "Ow!" Maroon cried. The wind whipped at their hair and twigs snapped. "We have to hurry!" Gem yelled. A hooded figure appeared from behind the trees.

It stood nearly 6'2" (Again, write this out) with eyes as dark as the midnight sky.

Both girls could only look in awe at the stranger before them.

"You must come with me," he said.(New paragraph after each new speaker in dialogue)

"We are going home!" Maroon yelled. The wind was making it impossible to make communication.(You use the verb "make" quite often in one sentence. Maybe use another word?)

"I can get you there faster, please trust me!" he said. Both girls looked at each other uncertain the choice to make.

Gem nodded once at Maroon. They stood and each placed a hand in one of his. "Close your eyes," he said. They both did as they were told. There was a feeling of weightlessness and then everything went still.

They opened their eyes and they knew they were no longer home.

Nitpicking aside, there's a lot here I think you could catch on your own with revision. You're also writing from both girls' POV, I would suggest sticking to one, either Maroon or Gem because then the reader can relate better with the characters. You could then add more detail and such. I also think you could use more necessary description, where they were running, what it looked like, etc., since I didn't quite get a good grasp of that. Overall, especially plot-wise, it made me want to read on. So continue and just watch out for grammar.

Mochi pointed out the capitalization and numbers already, so I'll focus more on the overall things.

Grammar and Presentation

Like Mochi mentioned, start a new paragraph whenever someone new starts speaking. Be sure to capitalize names and write out numbers. You're missing some commas, as well, particularly where Gem calls Maroon a thief. (That doesn't make sense, by the way. What did she steal? It's unexplained.)

"Thief come back you will not escape!" gem called. Maroon though shy giggled as she climbed the monkey bars. "So you think this is funny thief, I'll make you think again!" The sky rumbled in thunder and the wind hollowed through the trees. Both girls looked up at the sky. They could both sensed that something was about to happen. Maroon looked at gem and gem looked back. "I think it's time to head back to your place gem!" maroon called. Gem shook her head in agreement.

Should be:

"Thief, come back! You will not escape!" Gem called. Maroon, though shy, giggled as she climbed the monkey bars. "So you think this is funny, thief? I'll make you think again!"

The sky rumbled in thunder and the wind howled through the trees. Both girls looked up at the sky. They could both sense that something was about to happen. Maroon looked and Gem and Gem looked back.

"I think it's time to head back to your place, Gem!" Maroon called. Gem nodded her head in agreement.

See the paragraph breaks, capitalization, and commas? That stuff is important! Without it your story is difficult to read and understand.

Suggestions

The day had started out cool with a cloudy sky. Things had gotten difficult after noon and there was simply no easy way to explain it.

Since you start with weather and the mention difficulty, it seems like you mean that the weather had started cloudy and then in the afternoon the weather had gotten difficult! You shift topics completely in between these two sentences, and you don't want to start your story off confusing your readers.

Next, you describe the two girls in the first paragraph. That's not necessary. In fact, it's called an info-dump, when you just take irrelevant facts and drop them in the middle of the writing. At this point, it doesn't matter the hair and eye color of the girls. Tell us that later, a bit more subtly. Also, when you mention that their personalities are so different, try showing that to us instead of telling us. Through dialogue and actions, we as readers should be able to tell eventually that Maroon is the shy one and Gem is outgoing.

When you say they sense that something bad's about to happen...what does that feel like? Does the hair stand up on their necks? Does a chill come through the air? Do their noses itch, do their eyes water, does a hollow feeling spread through their stomachs? How can they tell?

Lastly, I can't envision this place at all. You mention monkey bars, but that's it! Is the park old, or new? Wooden? Metal? Clean, or littered? Is it full of other children, or completely empty? What time of year is it; are the flowers blooming, is their pollen in the air? All the scene-establishing we get is the storm, which is good, but a bit more is necessary.

Overall, you need to first brush up on grammar and then organize your descriptions, making sure to show and not tell. These characters are going to be flat and one-dimensional unless you make them different and show us their personalities. Reactions are the beginning-- different people will react to being transported to an alternate universe differently. How do each girl's personality handle the change and the adventure?

PM me for anything!

~Evi

What in the world is this? You seriously need to learn how to properly format your writing. Your grammar is horrible and this is just a big slop of text that is nearly impossible to read.

Hello. Let`s see what you have here.

The day had started out cool with a cloudy sky. Things had gotten difficult after noon and there was simply no easy way to explain it. Maroon 12 had a shy nature keeping her face hidden behind her brownish red hair and sky blue eyes. Gem was her exact opposite with an active nature always wanting others to notice her golden blond hair and jade green eyes.

- I don't understand the link between weather and the characters you describe here.
- Need more details about those characters and be more... lets say concentrated on the weather. Link that day, cloudy and moody with the character`s state of mind.

Even though opposites they were still tight as thieves or soon would be. It was gems birthday and maroon had come to her house to give her a present and brownies which she knew were her best friends favorite. As they enjoyed the brownies in the kitchen they discussed what they would do for the day. They had come to the conclusion of the park it had plenty to keep them occupied there.

- It`s obvious you lack descriptions. It wouldn't be bad to write that talk... dialogue, or to develop the subject a bit more.

"Thief come back you will not escape!" gem called. Maroon though shy giggled as she climbed the monkey bars. "So you think this is funny thief, I'll make you think again!" The sky rumbled in thunder and the wind hollowed through the trees. Both girls looked up at the sky. They could both sensed that something was about to happen. Maroon looked at gem and gem looked back. "I think it's time to head back to your place gem!" maroon called. Gem shook her head in agreement.

- You lack commas and capitalize their names. Some lines are confusing.
- Describe more... a lot more.

The wind was making it impossible to make communication.

- Too short. Put some words in it. Finish the image!

Overall - I`m not saying you don't have talent, but you need to "train" it.
- You need to describe more, write more, finish the details.
- Your grammar needs to improve. You`ll see that it will come in handy when trying to develop the story.
- The character are not yet formed as main characters. Why? Because you didn't give me the image of them, a slight physical description and that`s about it. But a character is not only a image, is a living, breathing person, with feelings, ideas, state of minds...

Important: I`m the reader, you are the writer. You have it all in your head, you know how the man looks, how the surroundings look. Through details in the description you make me imagine. Don't leave nothing at the stage of just a vague sketch.

Hope it helped.

Dante