Young Writers Society

Ok. My first work on YWS. Hope you like it and don't be shy on criticism. Go for it. I need all the help I can get

Prologue
How sweet death seems after years and years of waiting. The silent kiss of numbness, the same you get when you go to sleep, the trembling whisper of the fading heart beats, that breath which whistles under the terror of unknown... ah yes! Death.
What best suits Death? A dark hood, a scythe, a shadowy face? Give me a break! When saw my death she was wearing a red night dress and a knife... a kitchen knife to be more exact. Fun to watch her leaping over the dinner table and stabbing the life out of me, literally.
Hmp... Cute life, simple life, sweet life. Fragile and cruel in the same time. Screw that! Get a dark hood, a scythe and become antisocial and you`re set for eternity.

Chapter 1 – A remnant of past

Rake left his head backwards leaving the cold and hard raindrops to hit his pale face. It was proof for him that he was alive and for him it was enough. The promise he made: Die when feelings are gone, was still there in his head, pounding with the same rhythm as his heart, with the same power of his body, annoying as the nightmares he got.
Actually that was the reason for why he was naked on the roof of the apartment house – a bloody nightmare. He was afraid that he will become a senseless body, with no soul, controlled by his inner demons, a puppet waiting for its puppeteer.
Rake? Get inside... You`ll catch a cold.
"I`d like that..." he responded to the voice that hunted him for years. A soft voice, a soothing voice, a beautiful yet terrifying voice.
Don’t be foolish! It`s time...
"The time... What is the time?"
2:43 a.m.
"Thanks, voice..."
A smile spread on his face which seemed to be covered with a white and thin layer of chalk. His blue eyes gazed upon the city covered in the darkness of the night and once again he realized the love of his state. Rake always considered himself more than a mad man, more than a simple lunatic that would trade his clothes for a violent cold.

"It`s time... "
A deep breath of moist air gave him the courage to turn and get dressed. The stair case was empty and smelling like cat piss... He killed his cat for that matter, but the smell didn’t stop. No one else seemed to notice it so he quickly learned to live with it. He had a small apartment there... not much in it. A couch, a TV, a phone and a gun. Those were the only things he owned beside the clothes which were neatly folded in a corner of the room.
Near the couch empty beer bottles and cigarette ends were laying forgotten there, never to be thrown away or even moved, maybe just accidently. The small TV was also on the floor positioned in front of the black leather couch which looked a little worn out with scratches at the edges, proof that he once owned a cat.
The cold floor was filled with paper and photos. He loved his past... It defined him as human, as a living person, a creature capable to feel and think rational. She defined him...
That voice was her voice, that face that hunted his dream was her face, those feelings he searched were also hers. He lived through her death.

"It`s time..."
Rake dragged himself into the bathroom where a filthy mirror stood hanged on the wall painted with writings – names, numbers, addresses, signs. He wrote them and he was proud. He knew their meaning, he knew how to read them and write them and understand them and use them.
His eyes were red and burning and he turned to see his reflection in the mirror. A memory of what he was once stood there watching him back. A pale face, bony, blue eyes, deep eyes, tired eyes, dark hair, untidy hair, wet hair, scruffy beard, harsh beard, skinny body, fragile body... memory.
RainColdFeetShiverKnockDoorVoiceFearMirrorFistFaceFloorCouchKnockHandBottleTirednessGun BathroomNumberNamesTimeTimeTimeGunShotPainScreamFloorPainNumb. Pain,Pain...PAIN!
Sweet pain, loving pain, his pain. He left himself laying on the hard and cold floor in violent spasms as the bullet he put in his head made his way into his brain and nerves. Red blood, thick blood, coursing blood.
And the sweet numbness of death shattered in the touch of the raindrops.

Sweet pain, loving pain, my pain.
He opened his eyes only to see the town again illuminated by the stretching lightning that gave the sky a nightmarish look.
It`s time, it`s time, it`s time.

Hey BlanchKe!

This piece is very weird! I really like the prologue... the narrator is kind of in your face about the whole death thing and the fact that death comes in a red dress and just stabs you? That's pretty awesome! But then it seemed like you didn't want to continue this image, so when you started your chapter 1, suddenly everything went dull. So don't be afraid to be kick-ass! The prologue was wonderfully written... the chapter was dull. So do it with more enthusiasm, like in your prologue.

Hey Blanche!

Here I am.

The prologue was great. I love the way you've written about Death. Very very good. And good style.

So onto chapter 1:
The sudden shift to the drab Death-like idea is okay, but somehow, I prefer the other one.

A pale face, bony, blue eyes, deep eyes, tired eyes, dark hair, untidy hair, wet hair, scruffy beard, harsh beard, skinny body, fragile body... memory.

You use hair too many times. Try using it just once; otherwise it sort of gives a jarring effect.

RainColdFeetShiverKnockDoorVoiceFearMirrorFistFaceFloorCouchKnockHandBottleTirednessGun BathroomNumberNamesTimeTimeTimeGunShotPainScreamFloorPainNumb.

As much I like the idea of it, this doesn't look good to read. It made me want to skip past these lines. Reduce the number of things he thinks about and space it out using ellipses maybe.
I would like you to add that effect you put into the prologue into this.

Hope I helped.
Cheers,
~Lava

Thanks for the reviews... To Lava - the repetition of the word "hair" is intentionally put there. As you might have noticed the character has a tendency to repeat himself adding other words to it. Its a little part of his madness.

Thanks a lot!

First of all it was great, even though a bit weird and depressive. Reminds me of a horror movie.
I really liked the prologue, I don't know what i liked about it but still it was inspiring.
The chapter started a bit unclear for me, because there were voices and the guy was naked on a roof and then he just went downstairs with no reason.
And then he shot himself? I don't know if that's the thing but i think it is and if it is it's great with all the description of death and pain.
And then at the end he somehow gets to the roof or in the sky (heaven?).
It's sort of confusing for me but it's great maybe because of the structure or the prose.
Great work. I would suggest some kind of storyline if this is a part of a novel, but if it's just like that, it's the thing to get confused in a great and fun way.
See you.

Hey Blanch!

This was really interesting! I like the concept, and the way you wrote it really fits the story.

Now onto my nitpicking:

When I saw my death she was wearing a red night dress and a knife... a kitchen knife to be more exact.

That I was missing from the sentence.
The second bolded section seems a bit oddly worded. How it's worded now makes it seem as if she was wearing the knife. Would it make more sense to say she was holding a knife?

Fun to watch her leaping over the dinner table and stabbing the life out of me, literally.

There should be an "It was" at the start of this sentence.

Don’t be foolish! It`s time...

This is the "voice" and it should be italicized like the others.

"I`d like that..." he responded to the voice that hunted him for years.

I think you mean haunted instead of hunted. You said hunted in another place too.

Rake dragged himself into the bathroom where a filthy mirror stood hanged on the wall painted with writings – names, numbers, addresses, signs.

It should be hung instead of hanged. Hanged is used when someone is executed by hanging.

Alright, I'm going to talk about this part for a bit.

His eyes were red and burning and he turned to see his reflection in the mirror. A memory of what he was once stood there watching him back. A pale face, bony, blue eyes, deep eyes, tired eyes, dark hair, untidy hair, wet hair, scruffy beard, harsh beard, skinny body, fragile body... memory.

RainColdFeetShiverKnockDoorVoiceFearMirrorFistFaceFloorCouchKnockHandBottleTirednessGun BathroomNumberNamesTimeTimeTimeGunShotPainScreamFloorPainNumb. Pain,Pain...PAIN!

Alright, I understand the effect you want to get from this. The only thing is it could be better executed. As it is, I sort of want to skip over it - especially the second part.

Here are my suggestions.
1. For the first part, there is the huge list and it gets really long and tiring especially when the object changes. My suggestion would be to format it like this:
A pale face, bony. Blue eyes, deep eyes, tired eyes. Dark hair, untidy hair, wet hair. Scruffy beard, harsh beard. Skinny body, fragile body... memory.

Just something to break up the list a little bit would be good.

2. The second part is just so crammed. It's hard to look at, let alone read. To keep the effect, maybe try what Lava suggested and use ellipses or maybe you could just seperate each of them my periods. Just something to make it easier on the eyes.

Anyways, I know I've pointed out a lot but this is really good and could use a bit more work to be great. I hope my suggestions have helped! Great job and keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hi Dante! I'm here as requested.

Okay, first off, I'm not quite sure how this is fantasy. The only thing I can see about it that might make it so would be the voice the main character hears. It's telling him to do things, and that may just be something paranormal or fantastical, but it comes off more as insanity. I think that's what you were shooting for anyways, but...yeah. I would say it's more general fiction, but you would know better than I.

I like how you've added some history to the story; the way you say "after years and years of waiting" makes me wonder if the MC did something in his past that would make him want to die. Great use of foreshadowing there.

One thing that seemed off to me was your use of past and present tense. You use both of them, sometimes even in the same sentences. This causes distracting contradictions that take away from your work. For example:

Rake dragged himself into the bathroom where a filthy mirror stood hanged on the wall painted with writings...

This should either be "a filthy mirror hung" or "a filthy mirror was hanging". I think you mentioned something about English being your second language, didn't you? If you did, then this is completely understandable. Either way, it's worth pointing out.

And one last thing: Instead of apostrophes, (') you use whatever these are (`). Now, I'm not actually sure what the second ones are used for, but when you are connecting two words together to form a conjunction, for example, "do" and "not," you use apostrophes.

Don`t

vs

Don't

See? Second one is correct.

Well anyways, I hope I could help you a little! I'm glad you posted. See you around.

-Knightley

Its fantasy. It might not seem like a fantasy work, but it will develop as one... You`ll see. I like to keep my readers in suspense. ) *giggles*

Haha, okay. I trust you, then.

Hey there! finally got around to this. You've already got a lot of reviews so hopefully I Can say something useful.

So, I'm a big fan of avant guarde writing styles but it does take a lot of work to pull of. I absolutely love Jonathan Safran Foer. I can see how you're trying to get a bit edgy with the italicized part of words all crunched together to represent when he kills himself, but it just didn't seem to fit. It didn't have the emotional impact it should, and in fact, the whole section didn't have the impact it should. You had great details (the cat piss, the blood) but I didn't know the character well enough, I think that was the problem. You give us some details about him that just seem to set up/foreshadow what is going on (the gun) but they don't speak about who he is.

Just like Snoink say, the chapter one was dull. Maybe you should take your time with it. Let us spend a night with this man, like it's just any night - but he's hearing the voices. Slow it down, and make it a complete surprise when he shoots himself. Center everything around that shot - but don't rush to it. Build a scene that the reader can live in.

Hope that helps! sorry I was so vague.

Thanks for the reviews. I'll edit it when I got the time... polishing chapter 2. I'll notice for the "update" for the story when I post it.

Hello, BlanchKe. I'm papersolstice. Nice to meet you.
Hmmm... An interesting story. I would agree with Mr.Knightley that this doesn't really belong in Fantasy, but I trust that it will develop into one. First of all, I didn't exactly understand the prologue. Maybe I'm not deep enough. Anyway, the meaning should be clear, with a darker, deeper meaning behind that. I also enjoyed the repetition you used in the story. It made me think of an insane man talking to himself in a giggly, psychotic way. Also, your character reminded my of The Joker XD That being said, if you bring Batman into this, Link better jump in and kill him. Or at least mortally wound him. Or something. That, or else get the HECK out of Fantasy!
I kid. The whole chapter seemed more like a prologue than an actual chapter. It could have been taken out entirely. Although, I can't exactly say that fairly because you haven't posted the second chapter yet PM when you're don with it, OK?

I agree with evveryone else, the prologue was awesome, but the rest kind of lacked.