Walking Dead

~ Deleted from existence ~

This is amazing! Striking imagery and great rhythm

I just wanted to say that your opening line was brilliant:

With foreign dust on my shoulders

This is intriguing - without being over-the-top imaginative and hard for us to picture - and it definitely deserves bit of time to digest.

However, the rest of the poem fell slightly flat because the mystery was sustained for slightly too long - I actually found it hard to understand what it was about, since you metaphorised just about everything! Now...here's the easy part: make a few things, here and there, a little clearer, while still retaining that subtle touch of imagination that is beautifully lighting up your first line.

This wa also a good line:

Yet somebody played with my cards.

Hi!

Kyosuke...this was amazing. It was seriously what I needed to pick up my day. Your imagery is surreal and brilliant, and I can really feel like I'm there, ash blowing in my face and all. I only wished that this was longer so that I could have more time to absorb the setting and the predicament of your narrator.

Seriously, that's only thing that you have going against you. This poem is definitely one of the greats.

My Rating: 10/10

PM me if you post anything new, okay?

-Elinor xo

Thanks a lot to all three of you. I really feel happy I managed to write one of the first poems that actually wasn't bad =)

In terms of a poetry itself I definitely could try what you said here, though thanks to you now I know it's not a bad poem and I can use it for the main purpose I wrote it : I want to fuse it with my story I write in 1st person. Between some paragraphs of story there'd be the part of poem input so in the end one chapter would have one whole poem. Want to try out how would that style of writing work like ^^

Once again I thank you a million, when I get the time I'll take a look if I can improve this poem in terms of poetry without the purpose for the story I mentioned =)

Best regards,
Kyousuke