Young Prodigy

I hear the music,
In the wind and rain.
In the cars' beeping horns.
I hear everything together,
And I hear a rhythm.

I raise my hands,
Moving them in a pattern with the music.
I conduct, and everything flows with my hands.
With my movement.

I can make music with anything.
It just comes to me.
Like Mozart or Bach,
But I can do it with any instrument.

Just Listen.

I like this the way it is already. Good job

While I see what you were going for, the repetition of 'music' is too forced and detracts from the overall feel. Play with words a little more; describe the music, the swells and crescendos of it. There's a few moments where you get redundant ("everything flows with my hands. / With my movement." just sounds clumsy - the repetition is entirely unnecessary).

The idea of music being everywhere, while not being exactly rare, allows for quite some creativity: take advantage of it. Make your words sing.

Bailey,

I will say that you've got a decent start. Your idea for this fresh and original, and I can tell you put a lot of effort into this- the poem was definitely not one of those ten minute quickies you sometime see around here.

Despite all this, the actual quality of the poem is down a notch. It's mostly because you seem a little off with your sentence structure. You put periods in the middle of complete thoughts and it's just breaks stuff up and makes it seem awkward. Take your first line, for example. It should be, "I hear music in the wind and rain," right?

If you don't know where to place your periods, it always helps to read things out loud before you post them. That way you'll catch if things are off and it doesn't sound as you originally intended.

PM me if you have questions!

-Elinor xo

Hi, Bailey! (I first called you Hailey, I'm sorry!)

I hear the music.
In the wind and rain.

You make too sharp of a stop in your poem here. I feel that because you talk about music, and how it flows with your hands, that you should make it *sound* as if it's flowing. Take out the period in the first line.

I raise my hands,
Moving them in a pattern
with the music.
I conduct, and everything
flows with my hands.
With my movement.

In this chunk, you become repetitive. You move your hands with the music, then you tell us you're conducting -- we know that, already. Shed a new light on this topic of music. Perhaps notes are filling the air, crashing into trees and shattering? Say so. Also, in the last line of this chunk -- we already know there's movement, yeah? Try not to be redundant and read through to catch when you are. ^_^ If you feel like you are -- try moving onto a different topic.

I can make music with anything.
It just comes to me.

Once again you stop your lines too curtly with periods. I'd say put a comma after the first line, and keep the period in the second. A nice, flowing sound is what would complement a poem like this -- and by doing so, improving the poem regardless of the words you use. ^_^

But I can do it with any instrument.

Once again, be careful with redundancy. ^_^ Take this line out and replace it with something you've not told us before.

Just Listen.

I would say not to capitalize "Listen". However, I like this last line a lot! It's a powerful ending -- almost feisty/tempting. ^_^


Keep writing!


-Jon

The idea's a good one, and I love the images you have going on, particularly in the first stanza. One thing that might help it flow better is if there weren't so many periods, so many stops. Also, I remain a little unclear whether the speaker is able to find music in everything, as in hear music in the car horns, or if she makes--as in produces the sounds herself--music from anything, i.e. she pushes the car horn in just such a way as to make it sound beautiful. Maybe you could clarify by adding another middle stanza with an image of the person either listening or making music?

One more thing I liked about this poem is its openness. It has a good, honest, down-to-earth feel, but it isn't too meaty or heavy, continues to float airily as I imagine music to do. Nice work.

-Sophie