See The Shape

Too tragic to live with you,
Too broken to die for you,
These scars, they swallow hard,
All my time is spent in the dark.
Somebody tell me how I got here,
How I've lost my only hero,
And ended up with zero.
Locked in an unreal cage,
I'm stuck in this life's stage.
This loneliness claws away my insides,
But no one will see the damage I hide.
Desolate and isolated deep down,
My heart is vast and drowning,
Pouring with crimson regret.

Suffocate - I've lost my only way.
Separate - I've got no reason to stay.
See the shape - I'm broken and ravaged again..

I feel like I'm erased,
So kill me just in case.
I feel like I'm entombed,
So forget me as I am consumed.
Screaming I'm not supposed to be here,
Seething but it's the only way to die.
I'm not supposed to be here.

Suffocate - I've lost my only way.
Separate - I've got no reason to stay.
See the shape - I'm broken and ravaged again.

So tell me....
This is the only way to die.
I shouldn't even be here.

You should do some reviews. Then I'll give you a review. =] Deal?

What happened? Your other poem was so good and this It's cliché from the very beginning and not as touching as I think it should be. Poems about love and despair have been written about so much that they've practically become their own genre.

You started out with a nice, consistent rhyme that didn't repeat, but then you had this:

This loneliness is killing me,
Being in a place filled with people,
But still so desolate and isolated inside.
My heart is vast and wide,
Filled with nothing.

You started off by rhyming every other line, and now none of these lines rhyme. When you get to the second stanza, I guess you could say it rhymes, but not really. You just repeat the word 'here' every other line.

So kill me just in case.
I feel like I'm encased,
So forget me just in case.

This bit also incredibly repetitive with the 'case' bit, and it doesn't even rhyme. Check Thesaurus.com if you need help finding synonyms.

One thing going for this poem is that you have incredible imagery. Use that to describe more of the jail, the main character, and why they are imprisoned.

I can tell you have talent, so don't waste it.

PM me if you have questions!

-Elinor xo

Okay, I think there is alot more you can do to this poem. Add more detail. Describe the person, the jail. I also was not clear on what is going on. I agree with Elinor that the "Case" part was too much. Change around the words there.
All in all, nice poem but you can do alot more with it.

I changed the words a little, tell me what you think.