Our Grasp

So this is another of those creative writing class exercises. The rules were to write a dialogue between two people, with one of them trying to convince the other to do something. Enjoy:

“Come on, you have to help me,” he said.

“Why?!” the other whined in mortal terror.

The living room sat in ominous partial light, full of shadows and hidden geometries and one terrified grown man. His eyes could not be seen, they did not reflect any light.

“Please, everything’s unfamiliar to me. I’ve been looking for decades,” he pleaded from the kitchen.

The other shuffled to and fro like a school child. His friend looked like a golem in the harsh fluorescent light. His wide pleading eyes were made dangerous and surreal by the fact that his pupils had crowded out the rest of their color.

“I can’t. I won’t. It’s like dying and being reborn again.”

“No, Kurt,” his friend said, getting on his hands and knees. “It’s carpet meeting linoleum.”

Kurt looked down and the planet rushed up to meet him. An impassable gulf separated him from his friend, one of terrible textures and light. He looked up again, suddenly overcome by vertigo.

“You will enter the kitchen,” his friend was saying, waving two fingers in front of him. “You will help me find the sugar.”

“Mitch, I think I’m gonna be sick.” Confrontation of this magnitude was not what he had in mind when he decided to dose that day. Confrontation caused the vibrations of his personal cosmos to invert. They tried to reject him like a foreign contaminant.

“You don’t want to get sick. You want to go home and rethink your life… and help me find the sugar.”

“Fuck me Mitch,” he said, looking more frightened than he’d ever been in his life. “I think I’m turning inside out.”

“Jesus,” Mitch leapt forward immediately and took his friend by the shoulder. “I’m sorry, come on, I got the cure.”

Kurt burst into tears.

“How does Pink Floyd sound?”

Kurt sniffled, “Ok.”

“We’ll do Seamus, you’ll like Seamus.”

He sat him on the plush sofa and popped in the Pink Floyd CD. As they both sat, listening to a dog sing the blues, some massive shift in consciousness seemed to take place. The once earth shattering concept of making kool-aid disappeared as if it had never even been there.

This is awesome, but I don't really understand some of the language... Haha that's a 12 year old for you!
I especially like the fact that this is all just about finding sugar. You should pass this with FLYING GRACEFULL IMMACUALTE colours
It also kind of sounds like Kurt is high, like really high, like on acid or something.... LOLCANO.

Brilliant. Kudos to you, my friend.

Biffle

Hey Barrett!

Comedy is more than just exaggeration... it's also about timing! Right now, this piece is all about exaggeration, but you're ignoring the crucial piece of timing! A couple of hints... the snappier it is, the better it is, generally. Instead of using purple prose such as, "The living room sat in ominous partial light, full of shadows and hidden geometries and one terrified grown man. His eyes could not be seen, they did not reflect any light" you can be using humorous language that is talking about a man hiding from the kitchen. Or something like that. So instead of making it sound ridiculous with your style, you make it sound humorous with your writing. And that, really, is your goal for this kind of thing.

Good luck1

Heh, the soothing medicine of Pink Floyd.

Kurt looked down and the planet rushed up to meet him. An impassable gulf separated him from his friend, one of terrible textures and light. He looked up again, suddenly overcome by vertigo.

I really like this paragraph. Without resorting to similes, you've neatly encapsulated Kurt's feelings.

“No, Kurt,” his friend said, getting on his hands and knees. “It’s carpet meeting linoleum.” He studied the phenomenon seriously for a moment, as if he might have made a miscalculation.

This paragraph I don't like, and I've italicized the part that's bothering me. You're trying too hard here for humor, and in so doing, it comes off as very awkward. I'd ditch the italicized part, and end it with the humorous "It's carpet meeting linoleum."

“You will enter the kitchen,” his friend was saying, waving two fingers in front of him in a mystical fashion. “You will help me find the sugar.”

I like this paragraph, but again you've gone for too much exaggeration. The italicized part isn't necessary, and ruins the Ben Kenobi reference.

All in all, like Snoink said, go easy on the exaggeration. In the first paragraph I highlighted, the exaggeration works because it adds something to the story (in that case, it helps to relate Kurt's perspective). In the other two paragraphs I highlighted, the exaggeration doesn't work because it isn't necessary; you're not aiding the reader's understanding but rather just being superfluous.

Overall, this piece of flash fiction is good right now, but now you've got to go through it with a pair of scissors.

If you're going to write about a kid on an acid trip you've to do it full out. I love the line "It's carpet meeting linoleum" but Nate is right - everything after it in that paragraph needs to be cut out. I can see what you're trying to do with the exaggerations but the piece will be stronger with blunt descriptions of the the kid is experiencing. More sensory details will be useful. Give it a go!