The Ocean on a Rainy Day

I liked it, especially this line--

The solitude makes you feel complete.

I don't know why, I just love the line. It was really relateable for me, I guess. *sighh* Well, now that I've given you that little compliment, I'm going to pick on you some.

You get quite wet,
but you don't mind.
The breeze is still quite warm.

It's summer time,
so you won't freeze.
You love this place,
especially on a rainy day.

These lines in general just didn't carry much emotion to me. I didn't...I don't know...feel it as much as I would like to. I think this is good, but I also think you could make it even better.

I like the scene you paint in this poem, the quiet, peaceful atmosphere of the by-the-sea.
However, I find that the flow is a bit hesitant at times: it does the work, but there's not real punch to it, if you get what I mean?

I also have a small nitpick to make: the semi-colon at the end of the third line should not be there: the two parts of the sentence are connected, so a comma would be more correct, though I think the best way to go would be to just say 'The gentle breeze / calms you". There is also some redundancy in the 'warm'/'summer'/'you won't freeze' by the end.

I really love this image:

You smell salt in the air
And drink ice-cold cola.

It's a really nice, simple way of setting the scene, with the sea implicit in the smell of salt, and the casualness that comes with the cola.

*Edited*

Hi, Elinor. I guess what I can do right now is heartily second the advice you've already gotten. This poem lacks a certain feeling, and I think some if comes from the point of view you've used. The second person, at least for me, feels slightly accusatory, and it's hard to push myself into a poem when I'd much rather picture someone else. That might be a personal preference, but you could try to edit it to 'he or she' and see how you like it. If it feels wrong to you, feel free to leave it how it is.

And, in the other review, I like the phrase about the cola the most. It stood out to me the most in your NaPo thread as well. The reason I like it the most is because it's the only image. You say 'raindrops on your skin', but it's so vague that it doesn't make me want to picture it. You say that thunder rolls, but it would be so much more visual if you talked about thunder-clouds instead. You are talking about the ocean on a rainy day, but you never even show us the water! What do the waves look like? What color is the water as it reflects the foreboding sky? ^_^ Throw a little more into it!

PM me if you have questions!

-Hannah-

I agree with everyone else, your poem is missing something. I cannot tell what but it needs more. I liked most of the imagery though, even though I dislike the sea. Hannah is also spot on when she says that you need more...intimate description.
Great luck to you! PM me if you fix your poem or post any more.

I like this the way it is, the simplicity and the solitude set the mood. But I do agree with everyone else that it could use some more emotion.

Hey El!

So, this piece has some great lines in it, but it doesn't seem complete, which can be a problem. I think the part you're missing is the answer to the question "why?" I often put this in my poem reviews, so hang in there.

I judge a poem by what it teaches me; how it enlightens me. This poem is basically just a list of things your narrator likes. What would make it more interesting is making this poem personal. Why do they like these things? Does it make them recall a memory? Did their dead father love the sea? You have to ask yourself: What sets this poem different from all the other poems?

What I did like about this was the imagery. I could seriously picture little drops of rain on a persons arm, and a soft breeze over the ocean. Wonderful imagery! Ugh I can't get over it! haha

What is Poetry?

It can involve emotions, but has so much more to it. An example of this type of writing is in Shakespeare's plays.

~from WikiAnswers

You have the tone in your poem, now put in some emotion.

Best of luck! Keep writing,

Classy

I find this a bit dry
This doesn't carry emotion at all, it lacks a lot of it.
Try deepen it a little bit to try and add some emotion so it, because it lacks some very much...