Suicidal Mind

I was watching the Dirty Little Secret music video by All American Rejects. In the music video they hold up signs telling peoples dirty little secrets. One of them read "I tried to commit suicide three years ago. People think I am happy now, but I still want to die." I started thinking on how this person's life would be like. This is the beginning of the story I thought of. Hope you like. I know it's short, I was in a hurry.

I stood standing by the window. Rain was pouring out side. It fit my mood perfectly. It had been another day. I had gone o school. My face had been a mask of pure happiness. She had said every thing perfectly. Still after three tears the teachers were careful around her. The other kids told the new kids about her. She was literally alone. Her friends acted odd around her.
If she didn't get every thing perfect her parents would yell at her. She constantly searched for another way out. The last one had been three years ago. She had cut her wrists. Her parents had found her on the floor bleeding to death. They had gotten to the hospital to fast. In other words, before she died.

You shouldn't rush a story... That's like a totally bad thing to do unless it's due in 30 seconds...
"Still after three tears the teachers were careful around her."
Metophor or spelling error? Yeah, proves you were in a hurry.
I like that music video.
I hate my fiance's cat, she's evil and I know it.

Good job otherwise...

1st to 3rd person?

no she was explaining the mask as being "she" or w/e. You rushed this like hell. Try again. And don't do that cliched "rain matching mood" thing cuz trust me, it's been done a thousand times before.

It has potential though. Definate, definate potential.
When a guy tried to commit suicide three years ago, they only were careful around him for a year

It isn't good when it is rushed, it could be MUCH better if you took your time. I see your talents, you could do a whole lot more better.

I stood standing by the window.

Not the best way to start off a story. Stood and standing are the same word, except in a different form. Try something along the lines of "I stood beside the freezing window pane" or something along those lines. Throw in some description, pull me into your story!

Your sentence structure is very simple. Subject verb adjective period. Try throwing a little complex sentences in there.
For example: Instead of

She was literally alone. Her friends acted odd around her.

try combining them into "She felt alone even among friends--they were always acting so odd around her."

Keep trying! It was a nice start.

Too much passive voice; "had been" is usually quite unnecessary and detracts from the power of the piece.

Anyways, the rushing shows. There are words misspelled, and the sentence structure is very awkward. I really like the idea you're striving for, but spend more time developing that idea.

It has a lot of potential to become a good story and I can tell you could make it into one, but yes, it could use a bit more time.

Even if you had not said you were in a rush, I would have got it.

I stood standing by the window. Rain was pouring out side. It fit my mood perfectly. It had been another day. I had gone o school. My face had been a mask of pure happiness. She had said every thing perfectly. Still after three tears the teachers were careful around her. The other kids told the new kids about her. She was literally alone. Her friends acted odd around her.
If she didn't get every thing perfect her parents would yell at her. She constantly searched for another way out. The last one had been three years ago. She had cut her wrists. Her parents had found her on the floor bleeding to death. They had gotten to the hospital to fast. In other words, before she died.

You need to use conjunctions for the first paragraph. The sentences are too short, which makes it feel like I'm reading in stop and go traffic. The short sentences are a result of sentence fragments, which are a big no-no in description, they are barely acceptable for dialog.

You have potential there. A lot of my own crits have already been said - particularly by Shriek (apologies if I have your name wrong =P). Hmm... Try like they said to place in a little more description. Apart from rain, what might the weather be like? Is it dark? Early afternoon or late? Evening would, in my opinion, add to the aura of the story. The getting on towards darkness, maybe her not having turned a light on yet and her face shrouded by shadows. But I think that's pretty darn good. =D Keep writing. <3

I like the introduction better. The introduction had a good start, a believable voice, and it sounded a lot more interesting. As soon as you got to the actual story, the style suddenly went downhill. I think you're under the impression that as soon as you write a story, it should sound as dry and dull as possible. But that's not the case.

The main reason why this piece doesn't seem so strong is that the character doesn't seem to believable. Next time, ask yourself some questions. If you were suicidal, etc., and wanted to kill yourself, but didn't want anyone to know, how would you feel? What would you do?

Think about what your characters will do, and you'll be a great writer someday.