Dust Dawn

The dust dawn morning,
a silence heard.

The whispering and the wavering,
the croaking of frogs
and the chittering of birds,
interrupt the off silence - the absurd silence.

Silence, Silence, it calls for noise;
like the glittering water,
splashed by koi.

The dust dawn morning, so strange -
happens every day.

Silence, Silence, Silence.

From November to May-
from June to October;
Silence must be destroyed
for, what is silence
without noise?

On the dust dawn morning
a silence heard.

Hey Arris!

My favorite parts of the poem are these:

Silence, Silence, it calls for noise;
like the glittering water,
splashed by koi.

The whispering and the wavering,
the croaking of frogs
and the chittering of birds,

That's the most interesting imagery anyway (although it can always be rewritten to be smoother). The rest is long and tedious.

Hi, Arris!

You have quite a lot of repetition here -- I think that "the dust dawn morning" works well in both the beginning and ending keeping the poem together, but this being so short, the middle one is redundant. And in my opinion you should cut at least half of the "silences". Sometimes repetition sounds good as a special effect, but this is too overflowing. If you really want to create the image of silence, you could make the line breaks more abrupt and the wordings more simple. Interesting, not-so-used words also work better than those ordinary and dull ones.

I like the ideas you have (for example: "what is silence without noise?"), but the execution is a bit off at the moment.

My absolute favourite line was this:

splashed by koi.

At first I was like "Ooh! A new word! Must check dictionary!" and having done so, I was like "Ooh! Lovely word! It fits in!" Firstly, I love to learn new words, and secondly, this is exactly what should be done in a poem! Those words that readers haven't heard before are the most interesting ones, at least in my opinion.

So, I hope I could help!


Demeter
x

Don’t listen to them NoFirePants! That’s right, I’m totally doing this right now!

The rhythm of this took a minute to catch on but once I had it, it was nice and the rhyme scheme was, although a little hard to pick up on, it seemed like every time a rhyme should have been there, it was there.

The imagery is nice and the language isn’t too heavy. I didn’t even have to run to the dictionary! *cough* Kylan *cough* Yay!

This is really nice, though, and very catchy to read.

*babbles*

I really like the opening two lines. After that, I feel like I'm reading a ton of exposition but getting nowhere near any kind of point (until the line "Silence, Silence, it calls for noise" and then I'm in the same boat again).

I also really like that you began with "a silence is heard" rather than just with "silence is heard". Little things like that make a big difference!