Untitled

Untitled

Abandoned by true blood
Envisioned no love.
All by myself, I tried to live.
Evil’s work I always see
Held a cigarette and beer
Oh there’s nothing in this world I would fear
Who cares? Nobody believed in what I can bear.
Time passed by, I felt so alone
As if no light had ever shone.
I felt restless and unsure with certainty
I believe that this is going to be my destiny.
But life has offered so many surprises
And because of one thing my hope rises.
You came to my life.
Your aura clad with so much light.
You offered me your gentle heart
And promised you’ll never break it apart.
But I decided to be afraid.
Because of my shattered dreams and choices made
I cower from the piercing influence of your love
And God knew this from up above.
I decided to let go, fearing that my past will repeat itself
Leaving me rejected, hurt and I might hate myself again.
But you never gave up, never gave in
You’re still hoping that my heart will let you in.
I refused, even though my heart rejoices from your courage act.
I cannot bear to hurt you with my selfish facts.
I was torn by my endless love for you and the endless fear of myself
That’s why I decided, with flowing tears and uncontrollable sobs, to end my very existence.

Hi!

This was a nice poem, and it was sad too. I'll say that while a lot of poems have an emotional center to them here on YWS, there are few where I actually feel for the narrator, and this poem was one of those pieces. Your imagery and your rhythm is consistent and solid, but my only problem would be the amount that you try to shove onto lines.

I was torn by my endless love for you and the endless fear of myself
That’s why I decided, with flowing tears and uncontrollable sobs, to end my very existence.

These are bloated, and need to be cut down, possibly placed onto more lines.

Oh, and I also had one note about the title. You should never name something, "Untitled", just because it's somewhat bland and won't draw your reader in. Titles should sum up what the story will be, and whatever title you choose doesn't have to be permanent. You can always have a working title to post it and then decide on another title you like better a bit later.

-
Otherwise, I liked it! Keep up the good work!

-Elinor

Hello there!

The title, "Untitled", I don't know if it was intentional, but I thought it kind of set the bar for the mystery that was kind of elaborated on in this poem. I think it worked beautifully and took to this very well, expecially the voice of the poem. It almost manipulated me into making the thoughts my own and I thought that was truly wonderful!

I do have to agree with Elinor about the two bloated lines and perhaps on a couple about 3/4 of the way through the poem because they disrupted the fluency of this a little and you lost out on some of the potential effect.

Anyway, keep up the good work and I hope this helps!
Ben

Hey there Trace

I see that you're new to YWS. I believe welcomes are in order! So... welcome! I'm sure you'll make loads of good friends on the site!

Before I get on to reviewing your piece, I'd like to say that you should do some reviewing yourself. If you're not sure what to do, just look at other reviews for ideas. Don't copy the other reviews though! That wouldn't be a good idea!

Anyway, your poem!
I think that this was pretty good. You use description very well, and you portray emotion even better! I aren't normally a fan of sad poems, but yours was an exception. I think that you had written it very well. You also had a very nice, stable rhythm to the poem. Well done.

I agree with Elinor though when she said that you tend to put a lot of words on one line. This is easy to sort out though! All you need to do is cut some lines in half here and there. I'll use a different example to Elinor.

I decided to let go, fearing that my past will repeat itself
Leaving me rejected, hurt and I might hate myself again.
I decided to let go,
fearing that my past will repeat itself.
Feeling rejected, hurt
and I might hate myself again.

This makes the poem a lot easier on the eye.

Except for this, the rest of your poem seems pretty much fine! All you need to do is look over your poem, look at what us reviewers have said, and fix it up a bit. You will end up with a really good poem.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins