Telephone Call (edited)

Soul vanishes through ear to catch every
Sigh, shout, song, voice, echo, quiver, noise of a passing car
Like a silent net that absorbs your world
This becomes a memory never to unburden
That I will only hear, rewind like a tape
A record I will never sell for empty talk of blaspheming lips
A sound I long to melt in, a place I dream of walking in
That my imagination built with crumbs of evidence
Coming from headphones I am glued to still.

lluvialover wrote:Sigh, shout, song, noise of a passing car, voice, echo, quiver

I just thought that noise of a passing car placed before voice, echo, quiver, didn't mesh quite right.
It was a beautiful poem, but this part seemed to be a bit...awkward...
I just wanted to say that it would sound much nicer if you placed it last.

Overall it was a beautiful poem and I enjoyed it.

Hey there!

What was magnificent about this poem was the constant implicity and yet, although mysterious, a somewhat clarity of meaning. This shows it's very well written! What I will suggest, like the person above me, is that "Noise of a passing car" simply doesn't work. In the line it was in, the flow was suddenly made choppy and I was forced to repeat it to try and regain a pace or rhythm and I couldn't, so I'd take it out or edit it. My favourite bit of your poem was from here:

That I will only hear, rewind like a tape
A record I will never sell for empty talk of blaspheming lips
A sound I long to melt in, a place I dream of walking in
That my imagination built with crumbs of evidence
Coming from headphones I am glued to still.

I thought that was written beautifully. The start, however, needs some revising in my opinion because it lacked what your ending strived in and that's effect.

Keep it up and I hope this helps!
Ben

Hey, this was nice, but I really couldn't see anything in it that related to a telephone call. It all seemed to be just about listening to recordings. I also couldn't really tell what your intent/message of this poem was. How am I supposed to feel? You try to cast it in a darker light without really much explanation.

Hope this helps, and good luck with your writing.

-Elinor

Hi Elinor,

It is about a telephone call. The reason why I said "rewind like a tape" is because it impressed me so much that I can re-listen to it in my own mind, I still remember it. It was a long distance call in which I could hear all those noises of another, far away world. Oh and the headphones, it was a call from computer. I guess this poem can give different feeling to different people but to me it signifies the longing to travel, and curiosity about other places. Hope this helps. Thank you for your review.

Hey
I'm not really into grammar and small mistakes but I do want to let you know that this was very beautifully written. I understand that it is about a telephone call but I don't get how it has to do with her soul leaving to hear sounds. It just confused me a little. Some lines you just skipped into another form of a metaphor without letting it flow properly. It seemed like you were struggling with the words instead of letting them flow off your tongue. My only criticism is to let your words melt into each other. Let them change forms and create something large to make sense. you know what I mean?
Keep up the good work I wanna see more work from you.

Sara