Traveling Soldier Short Write

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLBgmbXBOb8~Thats the song I based it off

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I watched as he went off to war. No matter how much I begged him not to, but Darren never listened to me. I was there to see him off and kiss him goodbye, tears shamefully falling down my cheeks.
“You are so beautiful when you cry.” He whispered to me.
“Please, stay.” I said. He grasped one of my hands in his. Our bodies formed a heart.
“Jo, listen to me. I love you and I always will. Please, just let me do this.” He said. I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to let him go.
“You write to me.” I told him. Darren laughed his deep throaty laugh.
“You keep telling me that.” He said through his laugh. He kissed me once on the lips and released my hand.
“I love you.” I whispered. He walked into the sunset, leaving me behind.

The letters came from everywhere. California and Vietnam. I wrote him back every time. I ended each letter with a lipstick kiss. I missed him so much. Darren would me to keep going though. Never slow down. His last letter to me said that he would be able to write for a while, but not to worry. I still worried.
In an attempt to go out, I went to a football game. The anthem was sung and the lords prayer said. Then we listened to a list of soldiers dead in Vietnam.
“Darren Wesley.” The name was called and my world slammed to a halt. Tears started to stream down my face.
“No.” I said, “No, no, no.” I wiped my eyes and tried to keep my resolve. The tears kept coming. I began to hyperventilate. Random strangers hugged and shushed me. I shook them off and dashed out of the arena, tears rolling down my face.

I cry, never gonna hold the hand of another guy. Too young for him, they told her, waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier.

Hey, Kitkat!

First, before you do anything else, click on the dancing pink elephant and learn how to punctuate dialogue. No, seriously. Click on it.



Secondly, I want to let you know that it's really great of you to be inspired by something, see the scene in your head and want to write it down, to delve into the feelings of the situation. It's a difficult thing to try to tell a painful story, too. The problem is that I don't think you achieved the effect that you wanted.

I didn't listen to the song, and maybe the song achieves the feeling that you want, but if that's what you were relying on, then you might as well just put away this piece. It doesn't make me feel anything, it's rushed, and most of all, it's boring and cliche!

So now you're thinking 'wahhh, I should throw it away', but you shouldn't! This is a great opportunity for you. First, find the cliches and rip them out. How many times have you heard someone tell someone that they look beautiful when they cry? Even if you say 'none', you know it's just a stock phrase that's used a lot in media. If you want the relationship between these people to seem shallow and stupid and stock, that's what you might use, but if you want it to seem genuine so that the reader feels something when they are parted, find Darren something to say that he actually MEANS.

Also, how many movies end with someone walking into the sunset? TOO MANY, so take that right out. Research how the send-offs actually go in military couples and make it realistic, not melodramatic.

Furthermore, you attempt to tell a decade's story in only a few paragraphs, when it at least deserves a focus and a short story. I mean, if you could pick out ONE scene and write it, it might be able to be this short, but if you want to cover almost everything you've covered, it needs to take more writing and you need to pace it correctly. Right now it's thrown at the reader too quickly. We say 'oh, they like each other, oh wait, he's writing, oh wait, he's dead', and we have no time to sink in and feel what it's liek to be in any of these situations.

Really, I don't feel any sympathy for the woman now. I mean, I know that the situation is bad, but I can think about this situation on my own, and it's YOUR job to show me the emotion of the people you're talking about, not just general, boring things.

Would they really read the list of dead at a football game? Is that really how she'd find out the first time? It might seem convenient, surrounded by people that can't really comfort her, but I don't think that's even the point you were trying to make.

Overall, you need to take more time on this, love. It's not bad, and it's a brave attempt. It takes effort to make it believable and relatable, or at least accessible.

If you have any questions at all, feel free to PM me, and I hope to see you more around the site!

-Hannah-

I didn't watch the video. However, just from reading this I could tell right away your story was based off of 'Traveling Soldier' by the Dixie Chicks. I do have to say, though, I agree with some of Hannah's points.

Just keep writing, don't try to fluff it up and make it sound pretty with cliches because, honestly, cliches aren't gorgeous. Write from your heart. Perhaps try a brain dump? Or just write without thinking, no deleting for your first copy and THEN read it over and actually write. That's what my teacher in high school told me.

I also feel like, and this is beauty 'Traveling Solider' is one of my favorite songs, that you took the song and wrote it into a story--which you basically said you did. Make it your own. Just be inspired from it, don't take the entire plot or use some of the sentences from the song.

It's really a great song, though. Everyone should listen to it C:

Hey KitKat!

The punctuation in your dialogue is also completely wrong, so look at that article Hannah gave you.

This also needs to much longer; the piece is flat, the events barely skimmed across. Right now it reads like a very generic love story; I mean, I kind of knew that Darren wasn't going to come back alive. Walking into the sunset needs to go, and further more, I don't really buy the love.

Don't ever feel like you're limited word wise in what you can write. Make this as long as need be, and use the space to delve into character, story, and really making this your own.

-Elinor