Calling all Atheists..Christians..anyone with a keyboard

Those that are Christians and people from other faiths or those that don't believe in religion of any kind...we have all heard about the christian term "born again"...being "saved"...."giving your life to Jesus"...i decided to write a piece on how this would be experienced by a teenage boy that suffers from depression, decides to go to church one Sunday and find this release there. Please leave comments. Would love to hear what you think of this piece. And please don't shy away from anything that might be against the idea of "being saved". We are here to share..



I went to church this past Sunday
21 March 2010
Independence Day in more ways than one
I sat in the fifth row
Next to a daunting white man
His mouth curved upwards when he saw me
I smiled back at him
There after, He payed me no mind
I smiled at myself for no reason
Feeling at peace with myself
But then I was overcome by regret
With no warning tears rolled down my face
With anguish and a vital ingredient in every tear drop
All these feeling devastatingly familiar
I sat there
Amongst others
Those that were saved
Drug dealers
Sinners
It did not matter to me
I needed a hug from someone
With my eyes shut tight, I wished so hard, I wished that
I could run into the arms of someone familiar
That knew me
Knew my troubles
Foolishly, I looked around, disappointed by the mass of strangers around me
Ashamed to ask the man to my right, or the lady to my left
I pretended to be cold from the air-conditioning
I put my arm around myself
My anger concealed
I felt safe just for a second
But then I realized these were my own grief stricken arms
I broke
My mouth filling almost immediately with the salty aftermath left by my tears flowing past it
I asked myself…
“Why did you bring all your burdens to church today?”
I cried again
By now I cried every time I heard the word “life”
When I heard the word “save”
When I heard the words “Jesus and God”
When I heard the words “mighty”
And “glory and majesty”
And all that other religious jargon
And then the odd white man gives me a tissue
Embarrassed I take it
He smiles
And so does his wife
I think I love them
Just for that moment
I pretend they are my parents, my friends, my life long companions
I remember my friends
I think about how much they love me
How much I love them back
I think about how I’ve hurt them over the years
How I was so sorry
I cried again
Now I’ve stopped wiping my tears
They flow like the river Nile
Down my cheeks, past my mouth
Onto the collar of my t-shirt
I plead with Jesus one more time to give me strength
And then I hear his voice
“Sit still my son, sit still”
I think it is funny that God would say some like that to me
I sit still
And as I sit there soaked in my sorrow
I hear someone say in a low voice
“Come to Jesus”
And that’s when I snap out of the sharp pain I feel
The misery I have been trying so hard to conceal for the past hour
At that moment all that has troubled me over the past three years pushes me forward
The coward in me fights for his life
I sit there weighing only 48 kilograms in the medical sphere
But 2000 tones in the emotional
I feel the pain travel from the ducts in my eyes
To the nails on my fingers
To the soles of me feet
And as I fight with all my soul to stay seated
And so suddenly I feel that I have control over my fear
Over my body
Over my pain
I feel my feet come to life
And without me realizing I am pushed my the need to he happy
By the need to be satisfied with my life
By the dream to smile
By the hope to stop crying
But the hunger to let go
And before I find the strength to fight back
I am standing at the foot of the cross
Ready to give him all my troubles
All my burdens
To be washed in his blood
I am ready to give it all to him
I close my eyes
Like I did in the fifth row before I came down to the altar
I feel dizzy
I feel like fainting
But this time I keep my composure
I say the prayer with the rest of the church and the pastor
And like and eagle taking flight
I feel all my troubles
All my burdens
Lift my shoulders
Gone with the wind are they
I am a new man
And this day
The 21st of March
Is my new birthday
The start of my new life
I am born again.

Hi, Kevothewriter!

I love this piece! I like all the emotions in it. Sorry, I'm not exactly a great poet, so I can't actually review this, but I just wanted to say I really like it. *Clicks "Like" button.* The only thing I might change is add commas and periods. Not a lot of punctuation, just a little. I only found one typing error:

And without me realizing I am pushed my the need to he happy

I think you mean, "...by the need to be happy"?

Keep up the good work!
~~Lee-Anna

This was a good poem!
I don't have much to critique, it was pretty amazing!
Although you spelt tones , I think you meant tons

That's all I have to say!

I actually know a guy my age who must feel the same, except for he hasn't had it lifted yet. This was very close to my heart.

Applauds!

Hey there!

Okay, when you started this I must admit I was a bit iffy about what was going to come out of it because it was a little bit to formal of a start, so my first suggestion would be to do something about that, I don't know what; make it more free or imaginitive or something? It just felt a little bit lacking.

I love the bit from the 'odd' man upto the point that you say "I cried again" because after that your flow and pace seems to go a little choppy and the fluency is disrupted, which means it lacks the potential affect. My suggestion would be to revise repetition and punctuation in this area.

Nearer the end there were some parts I liked and some I didn't, mainly because I grew to think it was becoming a little too narrative and prose like, blending more into the idea of a poetic memoir or tale as opposed to a nice rhythmic piece, however in a way this was quite original, so well done.

I do admit, it did feel a little long. I started becoming a bit drousy at the thought and perhaps if you made it a bit more snappy, to the point and shorter it'll sound less narrative and bag more affect.

Any'oo I think this was great otherwise and keep it up!
Ben

Hey there Kevo

I agree with the other reviewers. I really enjoyed reading your poem! I don't usually like long poems, but it was different in your case.

What I did notice though was that you seemed to have a few grammar errors here and there. I think that most of them are typos though. Make sure that you check your poem for grammar errors and typos before you actually post the poem!

I haven't really go much else to say! The other reviewers have pretty much covered any nit-picks. There's no point in me repeating what they've said now is there really?

Overall, I really did enjoy reading this piece!

Keep writing

xoxo Skins

Hey Kevo!

One of the things that kind of annoyed me was the constant crying! And mind you, I've been to these sorts of where everybody is pretty much crying. But really... I like my description and actions varied, as far as poetry goes.

Also, one of the things... in my experience, the reason why everybody was crying was because they realized they were guilty of lots of sins and they were overwhelmed by them. You kind of touched on that, but it wasn't really a lot, so I don't know. I think the whole being freed from sins part is a significant thing and you should probably delve into it a little bit more.

Happy editing!

Take out the punctuation and spacing.

Read it.

It's a boring narrative. That's it. That's all there is. There's a little lesson at the end.

I don't know what to tell you, maybe metaphor?

Maybe you rose like Jesus from a grave your own and burst out the cave of Church into the light beyond, the light of the world?

Maybe the drug dealers are pedalling crucifixes to the drug dealers?

Maybe... image of any kind?

I mean, just a suggestion, but this right here reads like a narrative, not a particularily descriptive or provoking one. Why did you space it all funky? I mean... is there any reason? Does it add any meaning?

If you take out hte spacing, you could make this a kickass short story by elongating it with explanations of the character. Explain hte character by explaining how he feels about what he sees.

You know, could think something about prostitution, almost blame the prostitute, then realize Mary was a prostitute too, and Jesus forgives all walks. Maybe he'd relate this to some story about himself, and slowly exhale feeling the dread leave him towards the sky like steam or smoke.

I mean... really, ALOT could make this better, and little could make it worse, so just work with it a bit. you've got yer bones layed out, now burry em.

Aww this is so sweet! I love it. It made me tear up

I have one simple word that I must say for this review. "Amazing."

I don't review poetry, I'm sorry.
But I LOVE this!!
Good job!