Hey hey! A pleasure to read your work as always ^^ First, I'd like to say that this is very sweet and whoever the recipitent is, she/he's a very lucky person. From the point of view of a gift it's excellent.
However, I'm in agreement with Demeter where poetry is concerned. The features you've chosen to mention don't give your reader much to work on as far as relating to/ imagining the beloved. What is it about her that's different to any other girl out there? Is there perhaps a certain pattern to her freckles or does she touch her ear when she's irritated. What little characteristics have you noticed that belong completely to her?
You're right about not many nit-picks. Your choice of words is good and it's very easy to read, perhaps a little too much like prose at times but it's not a bad style. I actually quite like the simple honesty of it. There's nothing wrong with what you have currently, I just feel as though you're lacking that finer touch of detail, something to spice it up. There's a lot we notice about people that we maybe don't realise at first but when you think closely about someone/ watch them you might notice an action or a phrase they repeat a lot. My sister has a tendancy to pick up old conversations half way through current ones or to stop in the middle of a sentence and suddenly make an acute observation or fire a question at her. And there's her sort of nervous laugh she does a lot.
Maybe start by making a list of her habits and then think of what those mean to you, maybe think of some imagery that connects with it.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions! Thanks for the read,
Ugh, sorry this has taken so long. I've been really busy with my magazine and all that...
So, pretty much when I read this, all I see it "I love your... I love your... I love the way you..." You need more variety in this. It's basically one big list of the things you like about this girl. Why?
When you get to know a person, you not only figure out what you like about them, but why. A boy loves that his girlfriend is so sweet. Why? Because she gave a homeless man all the money she had - a ten-dollar bill. So you need to explain why here. Otherwise, all these lines are mediocre, and plain. I know your not plain, Benny Boop.
dress your mysterious past.
her mysterious past? ...?? What is it exactly? Why does your narrator like it? Or is intrigued by it? You could make this so much more interesting if it was written like there was actually love. Love isn't about materialistic things, or even words. It is the feelings you get when certain things about a person effect you. Show that here in your poem.
I do, however, love the way it was written. Every line flowed perfectly into the rest. With other poems on YWS, I have to point out that they are choppy, especially when continuing on a long sentence to a new line. I think it flowed well. So cheers on that.
It was wonderful, but has a while to go before it stands out from the rest.
