Yours Truly (Edited)

Hair beautifully black
As a night at sea;
Skin, pearl white,
Like the froth
of a majestic wave.
Your walk so gallant
And proud;
Your stride
so stunning,
And your breath
so drawing.
I love the way your lips
shape your elegant words;
The way your eyes
dress your mysterious past.
I love your beating heart
and your ever-ticking pulse,
With your adorable nose
and your perfect cheeky ears;
But most of all
I love the way you dance,
the darling imperfections
of your voice-
And I love the way you
treat that boy,
and the way you hug me
to say "Goodnight";
You just make all my pain stop,
So please hold me close
In your warming arms;
and squeeze me tight.
Yours truly,
Ben.

'Ello!

I'd just like to say that your descriptions and everything were awesome! IMAGERY! I loved it!

Beautiful. It's one of those things that's like, "Man, why didn't I write that?"
You have a gift, and it seems natural. I love how you described everything so differently than everyone else would have.

"I love the way your lips
shape your elegant words;
The way your eyes
dress your mysterious past."

That's my favorite. Keep it up.
:]

-Ellie

Thankyou!

Hey there Ben!

After reading your poem, I had a look at some of your other stuff. I must say, it's all pretty amazing! Your descriptions are actually beautiful, and your use of imaginary is seriously good. I applaud you greatly for that!

I would normally begin a review with some nit-picks, but in your case, I'm pretty sure that I don't need to! I'm not the best reviewer in the world, not by far, but I know that anyone will struggle to find something bad in your work!

What I especially love about this piece is that you didn't use any rhyme! It's so easy to feel as though rhyming is needed when it comes to a poem like this. You on the other hand, have just written what's come to your head. Well done!

I love the way you dance,
the darling imperfections
of your voice-

I absolutely adored these lines, they gave me chills! I especially loved the second line.

Overall, like I've said many times before, I loveeeed your poem! I will definitely be looking out for more of your work!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thankyou Skins! And I'm sure you're a great reviewer! This is just the edited version so I was hoping there wouldn't be nitpicks, so it all looks promising so far!

~Ben

Ben,

Really, I never have really considered poetry an art, until I read this. This was just beautifully written. You have that rare gift that only one-in-one-thousand writers have, and I congratulate you. After reading this I look at some of your other works and loved them all. I'm glad you noted some of my changes from the original. No nit pricks here. Keep on writing, to not would be doing a dis-service to the world.

Kay

BenFranks wrote:
The way your eyes
dress your mysterious past.
I love your beating heart
and your ever-ticking pulse,

Those were amazing lines!

[="BenFranks"] You just make all my pain stop,
So please hold me close
In your warming arms;
and squeeze me tight.
[/quote]
I also loved these lines!

This poem was full of meaning, and I loved that! I always search for poetry that portrays meaning.
I loved this!
Way to go!

@Kay - Thankyou! Makes me proud to be a writer

@Isha - Aw, thanks! Glad you liked it

this was really beautiful, and i know everyone's been saying that but i absolutely loved it. however

and your perfect cheeky ears;

i just don't know if ears can be cheeky. it doesn't make sense to me. i know, i'm just being really picky. anyway, great poem!

-jackle-

Yeah, I can see how "Cheeky" can appear irrelevant, but I used it because that's how I see them. It's one of those personal things that only really make sense to the person writing it, or feeling a similar way
And thanks for the feedback (:

Hi, Ben!

Well, I think I read in your blog that you wrote this for a special someone. That is lovely, and I'm certain it got her the way you intended, haha. So, if we look at this as just an expression of your feelings, it works perfectly.

But, if we adapt a sharper point of view, one of a poet/poetry reader, it's hard to come up with things about this poem that makes it so unique in the world of poetry and different from other poems. You use some pretty words and the description probably makes the subject blush, but if I'm being completely honest here, this is not the most impressed I've ever been. There are tons of love poems out there, and there are tons of "you're like this and you're like that and I love you" kind of love poems and it's difficult to make a difference between them, unless there's really something "Wow! I've never thought about it like that!" about them. This includes, for example, unique imagery and metaphors and untouched words. (Thesaurus is handy!)

For starters, you could try to polish the rhythm of this poem a little. Now there's basically no rhythm, and the whole thing feels like stream-of-consciousness. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but a bit of flow would make this poem feel more consistent and come-together.

I hope I've helped you! PM me with any questions.


Demeter
x

Oh my god. That was AMAZING. Seriously. The structure and diction just blew my mind. And my mind loved it.

Nice poem if only there was a girl like that around here sadly such a girl only exist in poems and dreams hopefully your ideal is different. But anyways once again good job and keep up the good work man!

Hair beautifully black
As a night at sea;
Skin, pearl white,
Like the froth
of a majestic wave.
Your walk so gallant
And proud;
Your stride
so stunning,
And your breath
so drawing,
these first words were powerful your use of them i respect
keep up the beautiful work.