Drabbles from The Timepiece

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(Nothing, just random drabbles from the old novel I'd been working on before I scrapped it. I couldn't think of what else to post up, so this is the result of my currently half-witted muse. Heh.)
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"And that was how it ended."

"You sure of that Kelroy? It sounds more like a tall tale to me than anything else."

"Upon my honor, really."

"Che."

Cambrie was the name of the old man who had been listening to Kelroy's stories for the past hour and a half. His steel-gray hair was gelled and swept back, and to Max Kelroy, he seemed more like an oily old cheapskate than anything else. Still, he was a customer, and there was nothing Max could do but entertain him.

Didn't mean he had to like those leers Cambrie was sending towards Daisy, though.

Max cleared his throat - rather rudely, in his own opinion. "Excuse me, but could I ask you to keep your eyes off my sister? For the record, she's already engaged."

"Is she really, Kelroy? I seem to remember that you have a penchant for making up stories as much as the next liar."

Max fought to keep his indignation in check as he kept the fake smile plastered onto his face. "Making up stories, Mr. Cambrie? I assure you, they are quite real."

Cambrie snorted. "And my cow is a world-famous singer. Take a break, Kelroy. And you tell that sister of yours that she should be expecting a suitor soon."

Now the smile was wiped off Max's face, and he glared at Cambrie. "I am certainly going to tell her no such thing."

Cambrie merely smirked.

Later on...

"Owww."

"That's what you get for spinning lies all the time, Max. Sooner or later, you were bound to be challenged. Sister? Honestly."

"Daisy, I didn't - "

"Oh, you were lying again, and don't you dare lie to me about that fact."

"Oh, zip it."

"How eloquent."

------------------------------------------------------------

"I'd like whichever is larger."

He stared at her, nonplussed. "They're both the same size, miss."

"Give me the larger one. Now."

He blinked at the strange girl. "Miss...could I ask you to at least take a look at the meat?"

She didn't look up, and the only thing still visible of her face was the loose brown braid that she was known for throughout Tanreach. "Why should I? You should know which one is larger."

He sighed. "Miss Forster."

Karena Forster finally looked up from her book, one elegant eyebrow arched. "What is it?"

"Please tell me which one you think is larger."

Karena glanced at both slabs of beef and then up at the grocer.

"I don't know, you tell me."

Suddenly...

"SHINYYY!"

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"I love - "

"Shiny things. Seriously Gabby, enlarge your brain and maybe then we'll talk."

He pouted. "Says the girl who only talks about books."

Karena sent a sideways glare at 'Gabby'. "At least books have some substance in them, unlike 'shiny things'."

"I also like weaponry."

"Which explains where all that weaponry from Mr. Smythe's shop's been going."

"..."

-------

Karena peered suspiciously at him.

"Are you sure that was the last thing you stole?"

"...pretty sure."

"Then how come Mr. Smythe's been moping about a stolen knife?"

Gabriel blinked at her. "You didn't hear?"

Now it was her turn to blink. "Hear what, exactly?"

"Max Kelroy dropped it off at the shop about an hour ago. Apparently he'd 'borrowed' it to cut off Mr. Cambrie's lips in revenge for attempting to kiss his fiancee."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. Apparently, Cambrie is a lot quicker than people give him credit for."

"..."

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I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history.
- Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob




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Hey Lezalean! :D

One of the things that I think would really make this piece stronger is by combining the narrative more effectively with the dialogue. I like dialogue heavy things, so I liked that, but as you probably guessed, having pure dialogue can get pretty confusing at times! So you really need to be able to combine the dialogue and the narrative so that it is seamless.

With that said, I don't think you really pulled it off. Everything that wasn't dialogue was jerky, repetitious, and/or irrelevant. And this is definitely a problem! One way that you'll definitely make this better is to stop describing what the characters are saying. For instance, you don't have to say, "Cambrie was the name of the old man who had been listening to Kelroy's stories for the past hour and a half. His steel-gray hair was gelled and swept back, and to Max Kelroy, he seemed more like an oily old cheapskate than anything else. Still, he was a customer, and there was nothing Max could do but entertain him." That's just expository information that really doesn't matter in the long run. Now, tell us how the man is reacting to all the stories that Max is telling him... that's interesting. Describe that.

So less on description on what the characters are saying and more on their reactions. It'll be a hundred times better, honest. :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott