Coicane.

I just thought of this in the shower, and want to improve it. So I thought I'd post it.

I loved you and you loved me,
But at a massive fee,
Fate gave me a whack,
When you turned your back,
I can’t stop loving you, you see.

Because you are my cocaine,
Short joy, but long-term pain,
Though my love is not true,
I’m addicted to you,
And you’re driving me insane.

Hi Patatopie.

This was an interesting poem, and it covers a very dark subject matter.

1. VOICE

The voice in your poem almost seems as if this is coming from a former cocaine addict and not someone who is currently addicted to the drug. If they're so aware for it's bad for them, it should be that much easier to stop. Cocaine addicts don't think of right or wrong when they use it; they just want to satisfy their addiction.

It seems as your approach to this is to shove the message that cocaine is bad into our faces. To fix this problem, you could have a couple of options.

1. This could be a poem in first person, and the narrator is in rehab to help his addiction, and he looks back and realizes how bad it was.

2. A poem in either first or third person, currently addicted to cocaine. He talks about how he loves cocaine, and how he can't enough, and the regrets he may occasionally face, and he would brush them off.

Yours just doesn't seem to cut it right now.

2. RHYTHM/VERSE

Your lines could also use a bit of polishing.

patatopie wrote:I loved you and love me

Reminds me of the song from Barney. The two images don't really match, do they?

Also, you seem to have a problem with telling. You keep telling us that cocaine is bad, that the narrator loves it, that it's addicting, but why? Show us why the narrator likes cocaine. Show how he realized that cocaine was bad. For help, I recommend that you check out Show and Tell an excellent article in the Knowledge Base. Although it deals with prose, what the author says in the article is true to all mediums of writing.

3. OVERALL

It wasn't bad. It was certainly better then most poems I've read, and you've got potential, so I'll be eager to see you improve and grow as a poet.

-
PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

Hey there

I enjoyed reading your poem! It wasn't incredible, but I definitely think that you have potential.

I agree with Elinor when she said that the voice in your poem seems more like it's coming from someone who used to be a drug addict. Elinor have given you some really good suggestions for what you could do about this. Read what she's said and take some notes

Though my love is not true,
I’m addicted to you,
And you’re driving me insane.

I'm not sure why exactly, but I didn't really like the ending. The ending is important and I think that your ending wasn't really strong enough. It kind of sounds like a song.

Elinor has pointed out any other nit-picks that I have for you, so there's no need for me to repeat what she's already said.

But at a massive fee,
Fate gave me a whack,

These were my favourite lines. It was a good beginning to the poem in my opinion!

Overall, I honestly did like your poem. You clearly have potential. All that you need to do is polish the poem up a bit and you'll have a really good piece of work!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

thanks a lot, you have helped loads, but I think a few of your problems with this work can be traded for one bigger one. The first stanza is meant to explain that this was actually about a person, not a drug, but just didn't really explain that very well. The whole poem is meant to be about someone who had a fling, but despite the other one hating them for leaving them, they can't help but still crave them. The second half is simply meant to be a metaphor comparing that to cocaine. But that was my fault ( sorry) that you didn't understand, so you have helped me more, in just realising that it didn't quite get out what it was meant to.