Can You See Me? (Old) Chapter 2

Once again, this is a rough draft! This one I am really not too sure about at all, especially compared to the first chapter. I always struggle with the beginning of a story, it's annoying. Does anyone have any suggestions how I can make this piece a lot more interesting?
Anyway, it will help a lot if you read chapter one of this fiction. This is the link if you want to take a look.
topic60411.html

I stared at my desk with my arms crossed. I swore I’d put my phone there last night. After staring at it for a while, I decided that I obviously hadn’t left my phone there, unless someone had moved it. Knowing my mum, she’d probably accidentally fed it to the cat or something.
Grabbing my wallet and school bag, I left my room and ran down the stairs.
“Mum, where’s my phone?” I asked, walking into the kitchen.
She didn’t say anything. My little brother Damien sat in his high-chair, yelling at my mum for his breakfast. My mum, on the other hand, was frantically running around the kitchen, looking for God-knows-what. Monday mornings were always like this.
“Mum?” I asked again, impatiently.
“What?!” She suddenly spun around.
Sheesh. Touchy. Mind you, I should’ve known not to say anything to her in the mornings. Especially not when Damien was screaming his head off.
“Have you seen my phone?” I repeated.
“Honestly Maxxie,” My mum sighed.
Here we go.
“You are always loosing that blooming thing! I swear, you are one of the dullest teenage boys I have ever met! As you can see, I have a lot on my hands right now. I cannot find Damien’s bottle anywhere, and you’re here hassling me! I’m stressed enough as it is. Your sister’s got her dance recital this evening and I haven’t even got anything to wear!”
Now, she could have said that a bit more politely. A simple no would have been fine. Anyway, it wasn’t my fault that my mum didn’t have anything to wear, which was completely untrue anyway. She had too much to wear if you ask me. I was surprised she could actually close her wardrobe.
Rolling my eyes, I strolled into the empty living room. I could still hear Damien crying in the kitchen. Sighing heavily, I dropped myself onto the cream sofa. I must say, cream sofas and kids do not mix. It wasn’t hard to spot the rather large light brown stain where I’d spilt a mug of hot chocolate five years ago. I couldn’t help but chuckle slightly as I looked at it.
“Laughing to yourself is a sign of insanity” I heard a familiar voice giggle, almost making me jump out of my skin.
My attention focused on the other end of the sofa. There was a young, pretty girl with long black hair sitting there. She grinned as I looked at her.
“Will you please not do that?” I couldn’t help but laugh slightly.
“Do what?” Annabel joked.
“Appear from, like, nowhere.”
Once again, Annabel laughed.
It was strange when I thought back to when I was younger. Annabel seemed so much older then, almost like an adult. Back then, Annabel seemed like my older sister. But now, she seemed like my younger one. She hadn’t aged since I was seven, not physically anyway. She still had the same dark plaited hair and the same deep brown eyes. Her face was just as young as it had been nine years ago. Annabel may not have aged physically, but mentally, she had. She looked as though she was thirteen, but she behaved like an adult. That’s what being dead does to you, I suppose.
The two of us continued chatting while my little brother cried his eyes out in the kitchen. Damien could see Annabel sometimes. He was the only other person who could. Although, he’d soon grow out of it. The oldest child I’ve ever known to see a spirit is eight, except for myself of course.
I’d seen spirits for as long I could remember. I used to think that they were in my imagination, but then I saw Annabel. That's when I realised that they weren't in my imagination after all. My mum always thought that I just had lots imaginary friends. She thought that I was simply talking to myself. She didn’t like it when I talked about Annabel though. Her entire face would darken. Annabel wasn’t the only spirit I saw. I’d seen, and talked to, loads of different spirits. Young and old.
Annabel and I continued chatting for five minutes or so. We were talking about how our mother had almost eaten Damien’s baby food the other day. She’d thought that it was a yogurt. That was what I liked about Annabel. She may have looked exactly like my mum, but she wasn’t anything like my mum at all. Annabel actually had a sense of humour.
“Maxxie? Who the hell are you talking to?” My sister walked in, pulling a face.
“No one.” I shrugged.
Sarah glared at me as if I’d just told her to go and play on a railroad track. She was one person who had really been getting on my nerves lately. She was two years younger than me, but she seemed to think that she was two years older than me.
Mind you, my mum let her dress like she was two years older than me. In fact, that morning her face was so plastered in make-up, she actually looked like a drag queen. Her school skirt hardly reached the bottom of her knickers, and it looked as though she’d forgotten to do up the top three buttons on her school blouse. If you asked me, she just looked a mess.
Sarah stood there silently for a few minutes. Well, I say silently. She was chewing some gum really loudly. Talk about annoying.
“You are so weird,” Sarah said after a while. “I find it hard to believe that you’re my brother sometimes. You are so not cool.”
“You’ve got a lazy eye.” I grinned. “I don’t complain.”
“What?! No I don’t! God Max!” She shouted. “Mum!”
Honestly, she was so immature.
Gritting my teeth, I looked back towards Annabel’s direction. Great, she’d gone. I hate it when she did that. She’d disappeared just as quickly as she had appeared. She didn’t like Sarah much, she often left whenever Sarah walked into the room. I couldn’t blame her. I sighed heavily. If only I could disappear in a blink of an eye.


Thanks in advance for any reviews!

Hey Skins, I saw your story and thought I'd drop by for a review. So, down to business, shall we?

Damien was sat in his high-chair, crying like usual.

A couple things about this particular sentence. One, it took me a little while to figure out who--and what--Damien was. First you mentioned Maxxie's mom feeding his phone to a cat, so my first thought was Damien was the cat (because my cat cries a lot). A little bit later I figured out he was a human baby.
Also, rather than 'Damien was sat', either Damien sat, or Damien was sitting. Here's an example of two ways to fix this:
My little brother Damien sat in his high-chair, screaming and crying, same as he usually did.
OR:
Damien, my crying baby brother, sat in his high-chair, practically yelling at my mum for his breakfeast. (if it's breakfast time, or whatever it is he wants)

Here we go.

Italicize it. Makes it more dramatic and more along what he's thinking, rather than making it like a slightly out of place comment.

My attention suddenly turned to the end of the sofa.

Was focused or directed might be better for this particular sentence. Urg, that doesn't sound right... um, here:
My attention was suddenly focused on the other end of the sofa.
See?

My attention suddenly turned to the end of the sofa. There was a young, pretty girl with long black hair sitting there. She grinned as I looked at her.

“Will you please not do that?” I couldn’t help but laugh slightly.

This could fit all as one paragraph. And maybe say something about him being startled. Heck, I don't see ghosts and I jump when someone is suddenly there and wasn't a second ago. So even when he's used to it, it'd still be a little surprising for a second.

chatting, while

Don't need the comma. Also:

The two of us continued chatting, while my little brother continued crying...

The repetition of continued is an easily fixable thing. Maybe something like: The two of us continued chatting while my little brother cried...

I’d seen spirits since I could remember.

I thought he never saw a spirit until he was seven...?

almost eaten Damien’s bay food

Typo: bay should be baby.

“You’ve got a bonk eye.”

Um, what's a "bonk eye"?

I offend her once and she goes running to my mum. Sarah knew that my mum would be on her side, she always was.

'My mum' should just be 'mum', since they're siblings.


Other than a few minor things, this was really good! At first I thought Maxxie was a girl, I don't know why though. Maybe because I'm a girl and I used to play with Thomas the Tank Engine train tracks when I was younger, I dunno. Either way, I now know he's a boy, and he's... sixteen, if I'm not mistaken. Well, it's a really good story!
Also, if I remember right, you live in Norway and don't speak English (at all, or just as a first language, I can't quite remember). I know someone who's just like that, and so she asked an English-speaking person (Me) to go through and look at it before she posted it to get out any errors through her translations or such. That's one possibility for making sure there's fewer things wrong and it doesn't seem quite as cut-and-dry.
Good luck on that Skins! Feel free to PM me if you need anything!

~Addict

Alrighty, you know the drill. Corrections in red, take-outs with an asterisk.

I stared at my desk with my arms crossed. I swore I’d put my phone there last night. After staring at it for a while, I decided that I obviously hadn’t left my phone there, unless someone had moved it *. Knowing my mum, she’d probably accidentally fed it to the cat or something. *
Grabbing my wallet and school bag, I left my room and ran down the stairs.
“Mum, where’s my phone?” I asked, walking into the kitchen.
She didn’t say anything. My little brother Damien sat in his high-chair, * yelling at my mum for his breakfast. My mum, on the other hand, was frantically running around the kitchen, looking for God-knows-what. Monday mornings were always like this.
“Mum?” I asked again, impatiently.
“What?!” She suddenly spun around.
Sheesh. Touchy. Mind you, I should’ve known not to say anything to her in the mornings. Especially not when Damien was screaming his head off.
“Have you seen my phone?” I repeated.
“Honestly Maxxie,” My mum sighed.
Here we go.
“You are always loosing that blooming thing! I swear, you are one of the dullest teenage boys I have ever met! As you can see, I have a lot on my hands right now. I cannot find Damien’s bottle anywhere, and you’re here hassling me! I’m stressed enough as it is. Your sister’s got her dance recital this evening and I haven’t even got anything to wear!”
Now, she could have said that a bit more politely. A simple no would have been fine. Anyway, it wasn’t my fault that my mum didn’t have anything to wear, which was completely untrue anyway. She had too much to wear, if you ask me. I was surprised she could actually close her wardrobe.
Rolling my eyes, I strolled into the empty living room. I could still hear Damien crying in the kitchen. Sighing heavily, I dropped myself onto the cream sofa. I must say, cream sofas and kids do not mix.* It wasn’t hard to spot the rather large light brown stain where I’d spilt a mug of hot chocolate five years ago. I couldn’t help but chuckle slightly as I looked at it.
“Laughing to yourself is a sign of insanity.” I heard a familiar voice giggle, almost making me jump out of my skin.
My attention * focused on the other end of the sofa. There was a young, pretty girl with long black hair sitting there. She grinned as I looked at her.
“Will you please not do that?” I couldn’t help but laugh slightly.
“Do what?” Annabel joked.
“Appear from, like, nowhere.”
Once again, Annabel laughed.
It was strange when I thought back to when I was younger. Annabel seemed so much older then, almost like an adult. Back then, Annabel seemed like my older sister. But now, she seemed like my younger one. She hadn’t aged since I was seven, not physically anyway. She still had the same dark plaited hair and the same deep brown eyes. Her face was just as young as it had been nine years ago. Annabel may not have aged physically, but mentally, she had. She looked as though she was thirteen, but she behaved like an adult. That’s what being dead does to you, I suppose.
The two of us continued chatting while my little brother cried his eyes out in the kitchen. Damien could see Annabel sometimes. He was the only other person who could. Although, he’d soon grow out of it. Most children could see spirits until they were about five years old.(how do you know this? It's a bit early to be slipping in the direct plot...) The oldest child I’ve ever known to see a spirit is eight, except for myself of course.
I’d seen spirits for as long as I could remember. I used to think that they were in my imagination, but then I saw Annabel. That's when I realised that they weren't in my imagination after all. My mum always thought that I just had lots imaginary friends. She thought that I was simply talking to myself. She didn’t like it when I talked about Annabel though. Her entire face would darken. Annabel wasn’t the only spirit I saw. I’d seen, and talked to, loads of different spirits. Young and old.
Annabel and I continued chatting for five minutes or so. We were talking about how our mother had almost eaten Damien’s baby food the other day. She’d thought that it was a yogurt. That was what I liked about Annabel. She may have looked exactly like my mum, but she wasn’t anything like my mum at all. Annabel actually had a sense of humour.
“Maxxie? Who the hell are you talking to?” My sister walked in, pulling a face.
“No one.” I shrugged.
Sarah glared at me as if I’d just told her to go and play on a railroad track. She was one person who had really been getting on my nerves lately. She was two years younger than me, but she seemed to think that she was two years older than me.
Mind you, my mum let her dress like she was two years older than me. In fact, that morning her face was so plastered in make-up, she actually looked like a drag queen. Her school skirt hardly reached the bottom of her knickers, and it looked as though she’d forgotten to do up the top three buttons on her school blouse. If you asked me, she just looked a mess.
Sarah stood there silently for a few minutes. Well, I say silently. She was chewing some gum really loudly. Talk about annoying.
“You are so weird,” Sarah said after a while. “I find it hard to believe that you’re my brother sometimes. You are so not cool.”
“You’ve got a lazy eye.” I grinned. “I don’t complain.”
“What?! No I don’t! God Max!” She shouted. “Mum!”
Honestly, she was so immature. I offend her once and she goes running to my mum. Sarah knew that mum would be on her side, she always was. At least I’d actually offended her this time. Normally, she’d just get me into trouble for the sake of it. (This whole paragraph is unnecessary, and a bit of an info dump)
Gritting my teeth, I looked back towards Annabel’s direction. Great, she’d gone. I hate it when she did that. She’d disappeared just as quickly as she had appeared. She didn’t like Sarah much, she often left whenever Sarah walked into the room. I couldn’t blame her. I sighed heavily. If only I could disappear in a blink of an eye

Okay! Overall, Skins, this part wasn't nearly as good as your first. This whole thing just seemed like a huge info dump, and overall un-entertaining. You had no imagery other than the awkwardly thrown-in part about the couch and his sister. You could have stopped after saying she looked like a drag queen. I don't know. Your first part was very good, but this one is a bit of a let-down. You set a pretty high bar, make sure you reach it. Show, don't tell, as you've heard already/will hear a lot of.

Hello Skins. Happy i could do I review for you. I'm at school right now, so I don't have time to rad chapter one, but I will later if I get the chance. Here it goes.

yelling at my mum for his breakfast.

I know you do some of this later, but I never really imagine babies yelling. It's more of a scream or wail. W/e.

of the dullest teenage boys I have ever met!

the English dialogue or what ever it is, I'm not familiar with it. But, I don't think 1, a mom would say this to her son and 2, she wouldn't use the word dull, but maybe irresponsible.

I’m stressed enough as it is.

This kind of struck me as odd. The whole outburst of emotions from the mom seems uncalled for, seeing this happened every Monday. Other than that, women in general never seem to spout all their feelings out like that. They either just never go out and say them directly, or just keep them bottled up. At least, that's my mom.

“Will you please not do that?” I couldn’t help but laugh slightly.
“Do what?” Annabel joked.
“Appear from, like, nowhere.”

Not knowing what the monkey is happening right than is a sure sign that I need to read the first chapter. At least, I hope....

That’s what being dead does to you, I suppose.

once again......

He was the only other person....gotta go. Sorry. Studay halls over. I might finish it later, probably.

Hey Skins!

Ok, overall, I must agree with I think it was Dreamy; this was an info dump. I'm not sure how to correct it but there's one thing I'd like to know. If Sarah is two years younger than Maxxie, why didn't Annabel appear to her if kids are more sensitive to it? (you said Damien could) Was it because already at that age, Sarah wasn't likable?

Well, off to the next one!

Tanya