Monster

I see the monster in his eyes.
The look was one of deep despise.

Every minute he starts to roar,
Unleashing the fury within his core.

The abuse becomes physical.
This monster was worse than the mythical.

As he strikes me, I fall.
As he cackles, I bawl.

The striking is hurting yet keeps going on.
As he finally thrusts me,
my spirit is gone.
From this living Earth,
I've cruelly been withdrawn.

Why has the world treated me so bad?
Giving me this monster that had to be my dad.



Thanks for reading!

Hi Princess!

This poem was really, really good. If you didn't have your note at the beginning, I'd still be able to tell that you put a lot of work into this.

Not only were the rhymes catchy, but they made sense and it also forced you to think of some creative, but interesting synonyms.

yuprincess wrote:This monster was worse than the mythical.

I especially love this one. Not only does it work, but at first I thought this poem was going to be about mythical monsters.

The striking is hurting yet keeps going on.
As he finally thrusts me,
my spirit is gone.
From this living Earth,
I've cruelly been withdrawn.

However, this stanza is a bit confusing. You've established rhyming in couplets, and then no your 1st and 2nd line didn't rhyme but your 3rd and 5th did. Try to be a little consistent, okay?


Overall, I really liked it. You've got talent, so keep it up!

-Elinor

Hey there!

I have to admit, I loved your poem! I agree with your comment on the start. You have clearly put a lot of effort into this. Well done!

As he strikes me, I fall.
As he cackles, I bawl.

I really liked these lines. I can feel the pain and desperation in the lines.

Why has the world treated me so bad?
Giving me this monster that had to be my dad.

In my opinion, your ending was very, very good! When I realised that you had been describing the father, I was like Oh my god!

To be honest, I can't really find any nit-picks here. In that case, I won't complain about anything!

Overall, like I've said many times before, I really loved your poem. It was full of emotion which can be an extremely hard thing to do effectively.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Absolutely amazing!!
It made me shudder at the last sentence and gave me goosebumps.
Very well done!!

Hi yuprincess,

This falls apart at the very beginning. I'm not sure what you did to this for three days, but apparently many more days of improvement will be needed before it can even be considered workable and relatable.

yuprincess wrote:I see the monster in his eyes.
The look was one of deep despise.

Besides not making any grammatical sense, this shows that you're trying too hard to rhyme at the expense of your poetry's flow and message. First of all, get rid of the rhyme and in fact, get rid of the concept of rhyming until you've mastered putting words together eloquently in the first place. Later, you can play with words that sound good together, but right now you have bigger problems. Imagery is the main one, as shown below.

Every minute he starts to roar,
Unleashing the fury within his core.

You bring up a powerful image but it vanishes as soon as the reader realizes that he does this "every day". Every day? That does not mesh with the climactic description you're trying to portray. If you really want to say "every day", change your imagery to something more mundane, more of an underlying cause than an explosion of fire.

The abuse becomes physical.
This monster was worse than the mythical.

What was the mythical monster in the first place? By this point, the reader is completely confused.

Skipping past the next lines...

The striking is hurting yet keeps going on.
As he finally thrusts me,

If he was striking you, wasn't he already thrusting you? Or is this something else entirely? Explain.

Overall, this poem suffers because you place too much emphasis on the rhyme; that is poisoning your poem badly. Get rid of the rhyme and focus on creating images that anyone, not just you, can relate to. What is the monster like? What does it feel like? How is the difference between the way others perceive him and how you perceive him?

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hi there.
I agree with Galerius; there is too much importance placed on the rhyme scheme than on the actual coherence of the poem. The rhyme breaks the flow and makes the poem seem clunky and juvenile, which contradicts entirely with the message that you are trying to send. Rhyme should be effortless and it should only be used when your poem is eloquent and has an established rhythm. Yours contains neither.

I see the monster in his eyes.
The look was one of deep despise.

Yes, generally monsters despise things. This is just proof from the beginning that the rhyme is forced, and despite the fact that you are talking about looks, the reader does not get a clear image.

Every minute he starts to roar,
Unleashing the fury within his core.

If it's every minute, it doesn't exactly have a start now, does it?

The abuse becomes physical.
This monster was worse than the mythical.

Several things are wrong here.
1) The monster was worse? The rest of your poem was in present tense, so was should be is.
2) The mythical what? Even though this is a poem, keep your language simple. It has to make sense to your readers, not just to you. Further evidence that your rhyme is forced.
3) Becomes. Again, if the abuse is every minute, then it would not become. It would just be.

As he cackles, I bawl.
The striking is hurting yet keeps going on.

If you're bawling, it's clear that it hurts.

From this living Earth,
I've cruelly been withdrawn.

This doesn't make sense. It would make a nice metaphor but it doesn't fit with the context of your poem, particularly the "living Earth" bit.

Why has the world treated me so bad?

Badly.



Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but I can see a lot of potential in you. This idea is really good, and though your language is misplaced, it is interesting. I think if you got rid of the rhyme and focused more on the flow and the meaning of the poem, it'd be a lot clearer than it is now.

I really want to see you keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.

................Wow that was very good. No words can really describe how moving it was, and at the end it was very surprising. I loved it and you should continue with poem writing definitely.

Oh my gosh thank you so much for that review nativecatcher! And everyone else too!

AMAZING! I usually don't like rhyming poetry, but I ADORED this :]]] Post more material like this!

I can see you did put a large amount of time into this. The rhymes flowed well as read and the depth of this poem is not to be ignored. Rather this is from your personal experience or your just writing because thats your passion I know you put some heart into this. Bravo. Keep up the good work!

Thanks again guys! And also it really is just a love for writing!