Drowning in Shadow

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I'm a little hesitent to post this since it's so short but I just want to know if anyone likes the way I'm writing this. It is the beginning of a script idea that I'm thinking about for Screnzy in story form. It's just to get the plot down. So please let me know if you like it. It's short so tear it to shreads but realize I know it's rushed. :)

~peanut~



My shoe hits the floor. bang! Like a shot magnified to the hundredth degree, it sounds in my ears. I try to keep myself from shaking but my fingers tremble as I undo the tangled knots of my shoe laces.
My brother, Ian, is playing on the ground at my feet. He didn’t pay attention to the gun shot slap of my sneaker on the wood. He didn’t hear it. His lips move, sounds of the race track spring out, a car vrooming. The race noises are just as loud as the laughter outside that my mother and other brother are creating.
Just through the open window to my right they are standing, raking the autumn leaves that have danced gracefully down into a haphazard pile. I can see the little hill of foliage shuttering as the wind tries to blow it down, huffing and puffing until it falters.
Out of the leaves and into the air springs River, my oldest brother at twelve. I can hear the shriek of my mother mingle with his as he leaps at her. I push the shrill sound to the back of my mind; I’ve heard it before.
The Ghosts whisper words, red as blood and they paint the inside of my eyelids when I squeeze them tight. Whispers of shadows and killing seas fill my ears and thoughts, drowning out the laughter with fear.
That is why I am leaving.
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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I'm heeere!

Although this was very short, I felt like I was reading on forever. I can't tell if it is a good thing or a bad thing yet.

At one point, while reading this, I was thinking about telling you that there's too much description. But then I thought otherwise. I think that there was so much emotion running through this short piece, so much to see and hear in it, that I needed to take longer reading it. I was very, very surprised at how many things you fit into this, and how wonderful the piece still was.

My favorite part about this was when you started describing all those noises. That was the point when I stopped and told myself to read slower, and understand what the character is hearing. I think the only thing negative about this is that I sensed no mention of ghost whispering coming. Maybe you could talk about some sounds not made by other humans. I was just a bit confused there. I still don't realize the point of the whole 'BANG' thing, but I suppose it's just to focus the reader's attention on the sounds, which is great.

The ending was so unsatisfying. It was... lame an unnecessary. I would just end with the paragraph before it, or instead of saying the character is leaving, have them say they have to get away from the whispers.

The Ghosts whisper words, red as blood and they paint the inside of my eyelids when I squeeze them tight.

Sorry to be such a party-pooper, but I didn't get this at all. I mean, it's a beautiful line, but why are we talking about the inside of your eyelids when we are talking about sound the entire passage? I would reconsider this. I would use it somewhere else, for sure, because the line is completely understandable, and great, it just doesn't fit quite well here.

I really like it. You should for sure write about this. Everyone loves a good ghost story!

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy




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Thanks, Lassie. One of the only reasons I ended it like that was so I wouldn't forget. I wrote it after a test and when I got home I decided to see if anyone liked it. I'm glad you think I should continue it :) Thanks.

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?



Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology