Disguise

This is my first poem ever that I've ever actually worked on so pl. don't be harsh!


They pretend to be lovers
When surrounded by others

They say I love you
But it's not at all true

People think they're sincere
Fake is all I see and hear

Love is what they show outside
Hate is what's hidden deep under the disguise.


Note: YOU REALLY NEED TO READ THIS IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND: Portrays two people showing a loving relationship but they really hate each other...hence the title disguise. For example, an abused girl with her abusive father faking to have a great father-daughter relationship when in truth they despise each other

Good for a first poem I guess. Are you new??
Okaayy, this is good, but it couldve been better. Review other peoples work to see other formats and little nitpicks you think would help you in your future poems, okayy??
I hope I helped!
Love,
Layla

Hey, call me Fixed. I'll be your reviewer today.

yuprincess wrote:People think they're sincere
Fake is all I see and hear

The rhythm is weird in that second line... I think it could be better as
"People think they're so sincere
fake is all I see and hear"
... just because it evens out the two lines, so I don't stop and go, "Whoa, what?" I like for my poems to flow even, like a calm river (with blue skies, of course) -- but that's not the point, just read your poem out loud, and if you have to break the words weird, try to even it out!

yuprincess wrote:Love is what they show outside
Hate is what's hidden deep under the disguise.

Again, rhythm. I really love your description, and this is great for a first poem! My way to revise this would be,
"Hate is hidden deep in disguise,"
And that evens it out! It also concludes your poem nicely, creating an eerie type of imaginary echo in the reader's mind, (ie: Disguise- guise- ise- se- e

Okay, that's all I had to say. My little nitpicks should improve your poem. I absolutely loved your topic, it's sort of the way I write. Something I thought of when I finished reading... was it supposed to be in your perspective, or were you just portraying something that you know happens in the world? Just a question, after reading your little not you gave at the bottom, I was concerned/ready to question with you upon it.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Love,
Fixed

Hiya there! I really liked this poem-it was nice, especially for your first attempt. However, I've see you've made the amateur mistake of not adding punctuation. If you get really good at poetry, you might be able to pull it off, but seeing as how you're just starting, I'd keep to the rules for now.

Note: YOU REALLY NEED TO READ THIS IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

Never, ever explain what your work is about in the actual body of your poem. If you're writing a synopsis, it's perfectly fine, but you should let the writing speak for itself. If you can't tell a basic story within the poem, then you aren't being a good writer.

Anyway, PM me if you need any further help!

-Elinor

Awww. It was a wonderful poem. Short but sweet and kind of... dark. How you portray the lovers loving each other just for an act to hating each other deeply inside is so nice! I really liked it. Hoping for your another poem...

And is this your first poem?? Don't worry. Mostly who have commented on your piece says it is really good and it's true!
Keep it up!!

Hiya! I'm Dreamy, and I'll be your reviewer today. Now, first things first. You seem pretty new, so you might not know this: one: we write out words. pl. should be please.
two. We don't use capslock. Make it in bold if you need to make a point.

Onto your poem! Well, I agree with what some other reviewer said (I think it was Elinor..) never explain your poem. If the reader doesn't understand, then you need to rewrite. And since I didn't get it, I think some rewriting is in order.
Now, I made some corrections. They're in red.

They pretend to be lovers
When surrounded by others.

They say "I love you,"
But it's not at all true.

People think they're sincere;
Fake is all I see and (I'd use a word like "can", otherwise your meter is messed up. hear.

Love is what they show outside-
Hate is what's hidden deep(your meter is a bit off here as well) under the disguise.


Note: YOU REALLY NEED TO READ THIS IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND: Portrays two people showing a loving relationship but they really hate each other...hence the title disguise. For example, an abused girl with her abusive father faking to have a great father-daughter relationship when in truth they despise each other

Lovely little note at the end...
As I said, you can't do that. If you want to portray an abusive relationship, you need to say something about that in the poem.

This is a nice start, for your first try. But it needs a lot of work. Go back and do some editing, and this could turn out to be quite good.


--Dreamy

ps: questions? comments? PM me.