Doves fly; the moon cries. Over love and lust; I became bright. The soul I once had was filled at last with light Sad appears; as the blood falls from my tears. I have overcome differences through out my years. Cant hide this feeling in my gut; Is that why little girl makes her cut? Gaps and scars cross her vein From the cuts she feels no pain. Save her! Save her, her mother screams. Did she not do this by any means? Through the teases and the names. Being called stupid; Being called lame. She makes her cut. One, Two, Three. And hopes that the world will not see. Escape, escape, she wished to be.. And then they spreaded her ashes out in the sea…
This poem has a very heavy topic to it, but what you've done with it, it only touches the surface. You cover sadness, love, cutting, bullying. So there's a LOT there, which is good, but there's not a lot of emotion to it. A good poem will make the reader feel something, and as this poem is, I'm not feeling anything from it. Sure, I'm thinking about all the things you're talking about, but I can't put myself in the girls position, and I can't cry for her. I don't know exactly what is going on, and her pain isn't described in vivid detail.
My first word of advice would be to move away from telling about things, and try instead to show them. Don't say "From the cuts she feels no pain" but show us how the cuts don't hurt her - and try to avoid using weak words like "pain" while you're at it. Another way to inject life into this poem is to use things like imagery and symbolism. Beef it up! Give it strength! Make it the best thing you could. I'm not saying it's bad - not it all, you have some beautiful language. I love the first few lines. But it could have so much more strength. You want to punch your reader in the jaw, basically, but with your words and images.
It was also a little hard to read because there were some errors in places, especially this line: "Is that why little girl makes her cut?" it doesn't make much sense. I think if you read through the poem a few times you'd be able to spot the other errors.
Another addition, not to dishearten you, but a lot of people write about cutting. Poetry is a great way to get emotions out, and I completely believe it helps to heal you. But good poetry is not written like a journal, good poetry is for the reader. If you're going to write about cutting, which you can if you want, make it unique. How is this going to be different from all the other poems out there? Like I said above, make us feel the speakers pain, make us care for her, and it'll be more powerful than the others.
Best of luck!!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
Hi there! In addition to what Suzanne said-I agree with it 100%-I just have a a few comments.
You've got a start to this poem, and I can see that this could be good with a little revision. It definitely has potential, you've just got to let that shine through!
First off, why is the poem in italics? It may be pretty, but there's really no specific reason for it, and it can be eliminated.
KarmilliaVane wrote:Doves fly; the moon cries.
There shouldn't be a period after cries, considering it's crying over love and lust and it's all part of the same thought.
I became bright.
This is a present-tense poem, so switch 'became' to 'become'
And then they spreaded her ashes out in the sea…
You had an extra space between 'then' and 'they', which I fixed for you. Also, spreaded is not a work-spread should work just fine.
Anyway, those were the only things I saw. Suzanne also gave you some really good advice and worded it better then I ever could-please, take that into account. You're a good poet and you've got potential, so don't let that go to waste.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Elinor
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
So, erm, most of the nitpicking has been done already and I'm sure what they've suggested will help you alot. However, my feedback for you is on the length of the lines. Now I don't mean this literally, I mean it's effect. If you read some of the lines in the mid area of your poem aloud -- compared with some of the previous and following lines -- they sound like they're dwelling to long or dragging out the effect. This results in it lacking what it should, so perhaps a rewording might be in order.
In terms of the subject, I think you've tackled it very well. It's clear that there's emotive language that's kind of driving the feelings into the reader which is definitely not a bad thing. Your play with words is quite nice as well and perhaps a little individual, so you did well there. I might also suggest a swap around of some of the lines towards the end, because the narrative voice seems to get a bit jumpy.
Anyway, keep up the good poetry and I hope this helps, Ben
