Online Craze

I have an obsession,
It's a horrible one.
Don't know how long I can stand this oppression.

Waiting and waiting
for my sister to get up.
Holding and holding
'till I cant blow my top.

Burning cold.
Icy hot.
Not even close to getting old.
I don't know how I can not.

Getting on Facebook,
Reading a book.
It's an obsession that I can not stop.
On top.
Number uno.
Don't go on Facebook and I go "Uh-oh."

The computer is like heaven.
My world's the PC.
Facebook's my haven.
Just can't you see?

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*I wrote this in eight grade, when I first started writing, so tear it up! I already did just typing this up.

Uuum wow ok. Well this was good. But is Facebook the only thing you go on?? If not, you should add that at the end, instead of repeating Facebook over and over again. Hmm, what else?? Oh and when you say "Number uno" you should put número uno instead. Trust me, Hun, i'm half black and Half Mexican. Número UNO sounds more Spanishy, lol.
I hope I helped!!
Love
Layla

Hi CreativeFreak!

This was a very good poem! It was well put together, and I liked the premise. It's something that seems to be discussed in our everyday world. However, I do agree that you should talk about other websites besides facebook. What about YWS? Youtube?

I really liked your first, fourth, and fifth stanzas, but your second and third stanzas seemed a little detached from the rest of the poem. They're very vague and I understand some parts of it, but I'd revise them and be a lot more specific so the flow is nice and smooth.

Overall, I really liked it. Most areas you were strong, including word choice and imagery. PM me if you have any questions or if you ever decide to post anything new.

-Elinor