The Allergic Reaction

Oranges, lots of oranges! Mya smelled the tropical fruit. She always went to the Brazillian Market on Sunday when the fruit was ripe and fresh. As always, she lingered on the oranges. Those were her favorites.
"Mya, don't take anymore rests. If we stop one more time I'll blow my top!" Mya's mom, Mrs. Underwood, warned.
"All right mom, but can we please get some oranges?" Mya pleaded making puppy eyes.
"No Sweetie. Today you have your yearly checkup with Dr. White."
Mya humphed and muttered under her breath. Now Mrs. Underwood was the one making puppy eyes.
"Fine!" Mya snapped and stepped into their orange minivan
At the office, Mya was in a long white robe contrasting with her tan skin and dark hair.
"All right darlin'. You can go and change now while I talk to your mother." Dr. White's voice rolled in smooth like honey. Mya donned her usual orange hightops and got orange? T-shirt. When she turned around, the doctor had a concerned face on and her mother wore an unnatural grin and a forced smile.
"Did I do something wrong? No-o-o... so what is it?" Mya thought.
"Mya," Her mom sighed," Um, Dr. White has something to tell you." Mrs. Underwood looked away when Mya gave her a questioning look.
"You are allergic to oranges." Dr. White calmly stated, "You are forbidden to eat any oranges until you have grown out of your allergy."
Mya suddenly saw the whole world tumbling down. No more orange jellied toast, no more orange juice, and no more flavored ice cream. No more times at the market where she would quickly pay for one then bite into its juicy center.
"No! You can't let this happen! Please! I'll die forgetting the taste of oranges!" Mya lost her head as her mom carried her to their orange car.
Mya looked at the car and flinched. She already couldn't stand the color. It mocked her.
Her whole body shaking, Mya woke to the fammiliarness of he room. Her head spinned as she tried to figure out what was truth and what was fiction.
"Maybe this was all a dream and I'll go back to eating oranges just like before. You'll see." Mya muttered to no one in particular and fell asleep dreaming orange-y dreams.

Haha, an obsession with oranges. I really like this piece.
But, you've still got a few problems.
OK, the little girl's dialogue was a little too stiff, not at all what I'd expect from an 7 or 8 year old (Which I'm guessing Mya is at).
And the doctor's appointment? You cut it out completely. It's not important, but you could have at least have said something like, "After the checkup..." Also, the way the doctor talks is too direct. When telling a child that she can no longer eat something she so clearly loves, I'd ditch the bold approach and beat around the bush.
One thing that bothered me was the lack of plot. You have plenty of conflict, but no plot. Unless you intend to make this longer (which you should) or continue it with another chapter, then it'll be quite boring. Girl goes to doctor. Girl discovers allergy. Girl goes home hating oranges.
Bland.
But you can easily fix that up, just a little work.
Keep writing!
Jenth

Hi!

Hmm, this is an interesting piece-an interesting idea about our daily lives. Since allergies are very common in our daily lives, a story like this would require a lot of development for the main character so that we sympathize with them instead of just saying, "that sucks" and moving on like nothing happened.

This story has a good premise with little payoff. You just sort of tell us that Mya has a love of oranges, and the orange allergy just comes right out of the blue. Why is she allergic to oranges? There isn't any foreshadowing to it; recently before in the story, she was around oranges and she was fine. Allergies aren't things that just appear; you have them and it gets prevalent enough for you to be diagnosed.

I'd like to see more of a reaction from her, too. Right now it's just the generic, "Ooh, poor me!" sort of thing. Maybe you can dig into afterward, and how she looks at oranges. How is she going to get her vitamin C? What is she going to drink in the morning?

It's a shame that this doesn't have more critiques, because I think that if you work with it a little more, it could really get good. Right now you've got a rough framework that needs to be expanded upon. Tell us more about Mya so we sympathize with her. Maybe you can talk to someone who has an allergy, or relate it off your own experiences if you have one. Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Thanks Elinor!! I appreciate it. The oonly problem is that I don't have a friend who use to like their allergy. Do you have any allergies??
Sionarama

No, I don't have any allergies, sorry. Maybe if you asked around at school or even here I bet you could find someone to talk to.

Too bad!!! I'm home schooled!!!!!!!!