Vagrant mother

You opened your arms,
And I came running.
Your sweet embrace,
So loving and heart-warming.
We drifted away, through each seconds of the day,
By my side, I wish you'd stay.
Rubbing against my body,
Kissing me so sweetly.



We kissed and caressed,
And you squeezed up my breasts,
As i played with your chest,
And you know the rest
Of what we did.
Under the covers we hid,
Afraid of being caught,
Or so I thought.



But your were so cunning,
You played the game well,
With all you trickery,
It was so hard to tell,
You lied to me,
And I was so stupid, I fell for it,
Every detail, until the very end of it.



Now I'm here with this big belly,
No one to help me see about this baby.
What'll I do?
Who can I turn to?
Mom kicked me out,
The day she heard my stories.



Now I roaming the street,
With nothing to eat.
You left me alone,
Out in the cold.
Now I have two to feed,
Myself and my baby
Without any means of getting money.



Instantly grown,
Who would've known,
A yonng girl like me,
Would be raising a baby?
A lesson well learnt,
For me, its a a new journey
for this life won't be easy.

Hi there, La! Welcome to YWS. I read through this poem twice, and I thought it was pretty good. Your subject matter was original, and is definitely one of my favorite poems here on YWS.

However, you should probably proofread your work before you post it. I found a number of easily fixable grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. See in red below for the corrections, and in blue for the comments.

BaByLa1989 wrote:You opened your arms,
And I came running.
^
You forgot the extra 'n' in running. Also, you should have a period, not a comma, after 'running'.

Your sweet embrace,
So loving and heart-warming.
^
Period after 'warming'. There was something that made this bit feel empty for me. Maybe try to connect the two phrases a bit more by adding a 'was' after 'embrace'.

We drifted away, through every second of the day.
^
Period after 'day'. Secondly, 'each seconds of the day' doesn't make sense. It's 'every second of the day'.

I wish you'd stay by my side.
^
I flipped these two for you so it makes a bit more sense.


And you squeezed up my breasts,
And I played with your chest.
^
Okay, ew. These lines can been deleted. What do you they contribute to the story? Nothing. It's just two lines of gross explicit sexual images that this poem would do better without.

But your were so cunning,
You played the game well.
With all your trickery,
It was so hard to tell that
You lied to me.
And I was so stupid, I fell for it,
^
Hmm, I don't like this line. Maybe try, "I was so stupid for falling for it", or "Because I was so stupid, I fell for it"?

No one to help me see about this baby,
^
Why is the 'see' there? Delete it.

What will I do?
Who can I turn to?

The day she heard the stories.
^
Would they really be stories? The way you set of the context of this, it is as if you're refering to a myth or a tale. So, I'd replace that with, "the day she heard what happened".

I'm just going to break for now to say your poem all goes downhill from here. The grammar gets much, much worse and it seems as though you rush through the rest of the story. You ask questions but don't have question marks. You have commas after every single line, which is a huge mistake. I'm actually a fan of deleting the last two stanzas, as they contribute little, and adding a line after "the day she heard the stories", such as "Now I'm all alone". That gives the poem a nice, solid ending.

Anyway, please shoot me a PM if you have any questions.

-Elinor

hi hi

thanks for the comment and advice!!!


yours Respectfully

BaByLa

Very well written. I liked it.

You opened your arms,And I came running.Your sweet embrace,So loving and heart-warming.We drifted away, through each seconds of the day,By my side, I wish you'd stay.Rubbing against my body,Kissing me so sweetly.We kissed and caressed,And you squeezed up my breasts,As i played with your chest,And you know the restOf what we did.Under the covers we hid,Afraid of being caught,Or so I thought.But your were so cunning, You played the game well,With all youyour trickery,It was so hard to tell,You lied to me,And I was so stupid, I fell for it,Every detail, until the very end of it.Now I'm here with this big belly,No one to help me see about this baby.What'll I do?Who can I turn to?Mom kicked me out,The day she heard my stories.Now I roaming the street,With nothing to eat.You left me alone,Out in the cold.Now I have two to feed,Myself and my babyWithout any means of getting money.Instantly grown,Who would've known,A yonng girl like me,Would be raising a baby?A lesson well learnt,For me, its a a new journey for this life won't be easy.

Very well written. I liked it.

You opened your arms,And I came running.Your sweet embrace,So loving and heart-warming.We drifted away, through each seconds of the day,By my side, I wish you'd stay.Rubbing against my body,Kissing me so sweetly.We kissed and caressed,And you squeezed up my breasts,As i played with your chest,And you know the restOf what we did.Under the covers we hid,Afraid of being caught,Or so I thought.But your were so cunning, You played the game well,With all youyour trickery,It was so hard to tell,You lied to me,And I was so stupid, I fell for it,Every detail, until the very end of it.Now I'm here with this big belly,No one to help me see about this baby.What'll I do?Who can I turn to?Mom kicked me out,The day she heard my stories.Now I roaming the street,With nothing to eat.You left me alone,Out in the cold.Now I have two to feed,Myself and my babyWithout any means of getting money.Instantly grown,Who would've known,A yonng girl like me,Would be raising a baby?A lesson well learnt,For me, its a a new journey for this life won't be easy.

Just one nitpick actually.

Now I'm roaming the street...

That's all really. Your poem was well-written. There was rhythm in it and I enjoyed it. Plus, an evaluation, the theme was right. This should be a reminder to all of us. Well done, miss.

~ jash ♥

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today and it's a sweet change or surprise to find a piece that isn't generic or an emo type poem complaining about how hard life is. You instead tell a tragic tale that we have heard many times, but way it's written here is rather ingenious you capture the element of raw unbridled passion, and also the resentment and jaded ending. It's not a perfect piece by any length, but the way you convey the story pulls you in. It doesn't matter every Soap or Drama does this story to death, in your case you add your own flair.

Let me explain, you begin with how it's so sweet, intimate and sexual, it truly sounds like the perfect love. You have the complete feeling of how it is, from the cheekiness and to the beauty. It seems real, not some melodramatic piece by a tween exclaiming how they'll never find love again after they're dumped. Realisticness in a poem like this is brave, but man it works, and though the imagery isn't a strong part, the idea it's reality and not fiction, we're pulled in.

Then you switch to the end, and suddenly all passion gone, replaced with anger, resentment, depression, all the emotions you'd associate with this, the problems innumerable and now you're left with a child. It's a common story, but most avoid the gritty details you go into, loss of home, disowned by family, forced to survive on meagre leftovers. It's why I like this piece, it's not stunning, it's saddening how reflective of real life it is.

Overall: I really enjoyed this, but it's not enoguh to earn a like mainly because I had liked some imagery within this morose tale. But nonetheless it's a valiant try and the rawness of it appeals to my darker side. Great job.

Hope this helps.